A musician arrived at the pearly gates.
``What did you do when you were alive?'' asked St. Peter.
``I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra''
``Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal.''
So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his baton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, ``So, what's God like as a conductor?''
``Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan.''
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It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.
None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.
He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back.
The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. ``Oh, what the heck,'' he exclaimed, ``let's ask them--what do we have to lose?''
So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked ``Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?'' The cat meowed ``I don't know, I'll try,'' but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.
``Mr. dog,'' he asked, ``do you think you can conduct?'' The dog woofed ``Let me see,'' but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement.
``Well, nice try,'' the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. ``Mr. horse,'' he asked, ``how about you--can you conduct?'' The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.
``That's it!'' the manager exclaimed, ``the concert can go on!'' However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager ``We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?''
The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied ``trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!''
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