Drinking jokes

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Eating right


So, this guy walks into his doctor's office. He's got a carrot in one nostril, an asparagus stalk in the other, a zucchini in one ear, a green onion in the other ear and a bananna sticking out of his bottom. He says, "Doc, I'm not feeling too good these days!" The doctor looks up at him from his chair and replies, " 'Looks like you're not eating right!".

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A practical joke involving jello


Here's a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party: A gelatin mold should be made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to swallow, but believe me, from the looks of people who inserted cold masses of gelatinous glop into a mouth that was expecting sweets, the experience is unexplainably horrifying! Some claimed to be nauseated by the feel of it; others politely swallowed.

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Improving fry cooking time


In January 1994, 'The Economist' magazine reported that one of Secretary of Energy Hazel O'Leary's success stories about government research scientists hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National Laboratory's helping McDonald's to find a way to speed up french frying. A team headed by physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on advanced photons, placed sensors inside the frozen fries and was able to design special frying baskets to deal with the effect of steam created by melting ice crystals and to cut 30 to 40 seconds off each batch's frying time.

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You should learn to be more polite


One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?" Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?" Tom: "The smaller piece, of course." Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

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Food fight in a store


In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she allegedly stuffed lettuce into the man's mouth.

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You know you are drinking too much coffee when . . .


You ski uphill. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You lick your coffeepot clean. You can type sixty words per minute . . . with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. You don't need a hammer to pound nails. You don't sweat, you percolate. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. Instant coffee takes too long. When someone says. "How are you?" you say, "Good to the last drop." You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running. You help your dog chase its tail.

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Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice?


Because it said 'concentrate

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What did the hungry computer eat?


Chips, one byte at a time.

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What do cats call mice on skateboards?


Meals on Wheels.

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Other Ways to Use the Thanksgiving Turkey


As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.
As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, "Aren't they a wonderful band!" for the 25th time.
As a hood ornament.
As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you and say, "How much you've grown!"
As a football for the after-meal game.
One word... bowling!
As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.
As a gift/bribe for a professor.
As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)
As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.
Makes a great doggie chew toy.
Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun.
An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie.
A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from.
Bury in the yard; for future midnight snacks.
If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and asked the flight attendant for some chicken feed.
Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!"
Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature.
Secretly replace with Folgers turkey crystals.
Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking foul!
Throw the turkey out the window yelling, "You're FREE! Fly! FLY!"
Two words: Turkey puppet.
Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year's stock.
Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you.
From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car. When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!
As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.