Dumping ?Laws and Procedures

[khalili]

Dumping is hateful and awful. Even in business and commerce, world nations have come up with what is known as Anti-Dumping Laws, but that’s a totally different matter.

Ten years ago, I went through the dump of the century. The woman I loved needed a very good reason to dump me under pressure from her parents. She came up with the irrefutable excuse: She wanted to marry a man who was still a virgin. Of course she never found a virgin man to marry, but she did marry a struggling surgeon, whose father happened to have millions. God bless her mother.

Two months later, and needless to mention I was still a struggling problem-solver and writer, some guy paid me $100 to come up with a very good excuse for dumping his girlfriend whom he suspected was a gold-digger. I made him ask her to run away with him and get married because he loved her, but the risk was that his parents were going to disown him and deprive him of any money. It took her two seconds to disappear.

The same guy sent me a friend of his who wanted to dump his girlfriend without appearing as an asshole. I said to him, “But you’re being an asshole.” He said, “I know, but she must not see it that way. I have a reputation. I want it to be her fault.”


And that’s how I learned everything about dumping.

There are dumping reasons and dumping excuses. You dump or get dumped for a reason, but it is the excuse that you want to give or receive to avoid hurting any feelings. It’s funny that we are willing to lie to our partner, cheat on him or her, destroy their lives, but make sure that we do not hurt their feelings.

Here are a few dumping reasons. I am sorry if they turn out to be so simple, stupid, and ridiculously offensive, but that is exactly what reality is like and about:

1. You’re too fat, too tall, too short, too skinny, or even hairy or smelly! It’s physical. Your partner wants an alternative physical choice and that is that. Believe it or not, in a society obsessed with looks, this is a reason not to be ignored or underestimated.

2. You suck in bed, period! It may or may not be your fault. But don’t be too offended because chemistry is very funny. You could be the hottest man or woman in bed, just not with your partner. Move on, and if you need help, try training at home in a dark room.

3. They love or want someone else. Yeah…this one is a real bitch, but there is nothing on earth that you can do about it. Move on, lick your wounds, and don’t try to take it out on all men or women. It just happens.

4. He or she is married or engaged or has a partner. Shame on you! And you have the audacity to come to me and ask why you got dumped?

5. You are incompatible. This happens a lot. Social, financial, political, religious, and other differences can be a good reason. And believe it or not, you might be dumped because you’re too poor or because you’re too rich or for any number of reasons. Simply, your partner does not see the two of you making a good future couple in his or her mind. Again, get your ass moving and lick your wounds.

6. Your partner wants to taste other flavors. This often happens when young or inexperienced people start a serious and long-term relationship early on in life. It is bound to happen sooner or later, so be prepared.

7. And finally, your partner is simply not interested in commitment and now feels that things are taking a very serious turn. The good thing is that you can blame fate and his or her parents.

Regardless of the reasons, you will rarely get the real story. You’re more likely to get the excuses which include some of the following. There are millions, but I have chosen a few cute ones to keep you entertained:

1. Your partner is so afraid to fall in love with you and does not know how to handle that! You might be laughing now, but I know you’ve heard it before. Now wipe off your tears. Funnily, this lame excuse is very popular because it is very soothing for those who get dumped.

2. Ooops! Suddenly your partner remembered that he or she had plans for the future that were made a year or two ago and which did not include you. The B (bitch/bastard) did not think of that when they started the relationship. The truth is, they just wanted to waste time and have an adventure. Now, you deal with it.

3. It’s not you, it’s me! By far, this is probably the most common and the lamest of all dumping excuses, but still very popular, especially among women and men (I still have not surveyed animals, but soon to come!)

4. It’s not working! (a.k.a. khalas, mish zabta). Scientists from all over the world are still trying to decode this one out but in vain. Surprisingly, it is pretty popular among the dumpers and the dumped.

5. Your partner’s excuse is “I need to find myself!” Actually, this was originally taken from the longer phrase “I need to find myself someone else.” Further explanation is unnecessary.

6. “I feel ignored and neglected.” This sounds lame but is actually a very good one because if you push for more details, your partner will see this as an opportunity to ask for very tough or impossible conditions, and if they can’t dump this time, next time it will work. After all, everyone seems to be in a hurry, but in reality they don’t have much to do.

7. And this is by far the weirdest one, simply nothing, your partner cannot talk about it. It could be anything. It could mean anything, or simply nothing. They just remain silent and drive you crazy. They may not have an excuse. They may fear that they will not succeed in dumping you if they opened their mouth. Why does it work? Because they will seem hurt and dignified, and you will start digging for good reasons to justify their behavior, and guess what? You will probably find a good excuse for them.

And so my dear friends, by the time you’ve read all this, you have unintentionally become a citizen of Dumping Republic. Go! Go charm them with your skills!