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08-10-2005, 02:56 PM
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 Trombone Jokes What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw? Vibrato. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw. How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone? Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes! How do you know when a trombone player is at your door? The doorbell drags. What is a gentleman? Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't. What do you call a trombonist with a beeper? A optimist. What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road? The squirrel was on his way to a gig. How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll do it too loudly. How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door? His hat says ``Domino's'' How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car? Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof. What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? ``Year-At-A-Glance.'' 
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08-10-2005, 02:56 PM
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French Horn Jokes How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section? Have them miss every other note. How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes. What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy? You can tune a '57 Chevy. What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost? A goalpost that can't march. How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. There once was a woman who had gone a long time without so much as the hope of having a relationship. When she finally picked up a handsome looking guy and went out with him, her friends were naturally curious as to how it went. ``What's he like?'' said the woman's friend the day after the big event. ``Oh, he's fine, I guess. He's a musician, you know,'' said she. ``Did he have class?'' said the friend. The friend's ears perked up as the woman said: ``Well, most of the time, yes, but I don't think I'll be going out with him again.'' ``Oh? Why not?'' asked the friend. ``Well, he plays the french horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist in my rear!''
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08-10-2005, 02:57 PM
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Tuba Jokes What's the range of a tuba? Twenty yards if you've got a good arm! How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb? Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins. What's a tuba for? 1 1/2'' by 3 1/2'' unless you request ``full cut.''
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08-10-2005, 02:58 PM
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Percussionist Jokes How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They have a machine to do it for them. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to retrain the drummers. What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer. What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? The knock always slows down. How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando? Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm. Why do bands have bass players? To translate for the drummer. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he'll break 5 of them before he figures out you can't just push them in. Why do drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses? So they don't disgrace themselves in the parade. If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. Heard backstage: ``Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!''
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08-10-2005, 02:58 PM
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Bodhran Jokes What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians? A bodhran player. What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathisers. How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door? The knocking gets faster and faster and faster. What do bodhran players use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the best thing to play a bodhran with? A razor blade.
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08-10-2005, 02:58 PM
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Soprano Jokes: If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers) The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions. Who cares? What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist. What do you say to a soprano at the door? It doesn't matter what you say, she still won't know when to come in. What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha? The lipstick. What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull? The jewellery. How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? Four--one to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her. What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman? Stage makeup. What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? About 10 pounds. How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat? Some people actually like sewer rats. What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra? One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile. How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead? The horses seem very relieved. What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning? Gets up and goes home. What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche? Most musicians have never been in a Porsche. A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told ``Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing.''
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08-10-2005, 02:59 PM
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Tenor Jokes: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? Four--one to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes. What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt? A tenor. How do you tell if a tenor is dead? The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched. How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear. Where is a tenor's resonance? Where his brain should be. What's the definition of a male quartet? Three men and a tenor. Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story) If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.
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08-10-2005, 02:59 PM
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Bass Jokes How do you tell if a bass is actually dead? Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred). How do you tell if a bass is dead? What's the difference? Who cares? In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred? The ``statue'' starts looking a bit stiff.
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08-10-2005, 02:59 PM
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High School Chorus Jokes What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance? The tennis final has more men. How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus? On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom. What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance? The performance causes more suffering. Why do high school choruses travel so often? Keeps assassins guessing. What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee? It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
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