Instrument Jokes

[HPD.]

Banjo Jokes
What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?

The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

What's the difference between a banjo and a cattle grid?

People slow down before they drive over a cattle grid.

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: ``Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string.''

[HPD.]

Guitar Jokes
What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?

The stage is level.

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?


How do you get a guitar player to play softer?

Give him some sheet music.

How do you make him stop?

Put notes on it!

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.

Both suck when you plug them in.

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?

Put a chart in front of him.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

None--they just steal somebody else's light.

[HPD.]

Accordion Jokes
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?

Who cares?

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?

The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

New bumper sticker seen: ``Use an accordion--go to jail!''

[HPD.]

Chang Jokes
A ``Chang'' is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as Uzbekistan). It's something like a hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal.

How long does it take to tune a chang?

Nobody knows.

Why is it so difficult to tune a chang?

So that violist can feel superior about something.

Q: How many chang players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one to decide that it's as good as it's going to get, and that they might as well flip the switch.

[HPD.]

Misc. Folk/Rock/Country/Blues/Popular
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

To get away from the noise.

What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?

A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

What happens if you play blues music backwards?

Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?

``I didn't wake up this morning...''

``Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?''

``Oh, about half a beat behind...''

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?

One, two, three, one, two, three...

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says ``I was a jazz musician...kill me now!''

[HPD.]

Conductor Jokes
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?

The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?

They've had so little use.

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?

The sack.

What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?

Not enough concrete.

What's the definition of an optimist?

A choral director with a mortgage.

Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?

The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.

What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?

Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.

What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?

There are some things a pig just won't do.

What is the ideal weight for a conductor?

About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.

It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!

[HPD.]

A musician arrived at the pearly gates.
``What did you do when you were alive?'' asked St. Peter.

``I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra''

``Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal.''

So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his baton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, ``So, what's God like as a conductor?''

``Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan.''



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.
None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.

He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back.

The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. ``Oh, what the heck,'' he exclaimed, ``let's ask them--what do we have to lose?''

So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked ``Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?'' The cat meowed ``I don't know, I'll try,'' but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.

``Mr. dog,'' he asked, ``do you think you can conduct?'' The dog woofed ``Let me see,'' but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement.

``Well, nice try,'' the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. ``Mr. horse,'' he asked, ``how about you--can you conduct?'' The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.

``That's it!'' the manager exclaimed, ``the concert can go on!'' However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager ``We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?''

The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied ``trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!''

[HPD.]

Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighborhood. One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologizing profusely he explained, ``I am blind, and didn't see you there.''
``Perfectly all right,'' said the snake, ``because I am blind, too, and did not see to step out of your way.''

A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally the snake said, ``This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?''

``Why, no,'' said the rabbit. ``Go right ahead.''

So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said, ``MMMM! You're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears! You must be a rabbit.''

``Why, that's right!'' said the rabbit. ``May I feel you?''

``Go right ahead.'' said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path.

The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew back in disgust. ``Yuck!'' he said. ``You're cold...and slimy... you must be a conductor!''



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
``Mommy,'' said the little girl, ``can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?''
``Of course you can.'' her mother replied. ``How do you think conductors are made?''

[HPD.]

Musician Jokes
What do you call a musician without a significant other?

Homeless.
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.

What's the first thing a musician says at work?

``Would you like fries with that?''

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. ``Tell me, what have you done in life?'' says St. Peter.
The Texan says, ``Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations.''

St. Peter says, ``That's quite something. Come on in. Next!''

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, ``I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children.''

``Wonderful!'' says Saint Peter. ``Come in. Who's next?''

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, ``Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime.''

``Heavens!'' says St. Peter. ``What instrument did you play?''



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, ``What did you do on Earth?''
The man says, ``I was a doctor.''

St. Peter says, ``Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?''

``I was a school teacher.''

``Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?''

``I was a musician.''

``Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen...''

[HPD.]

Variations on a Theme
What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?

The seamstress tucks up the frills.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a seamstress and a soprano?

The seamstress tucks and frills.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a seamstress and a french horn player?

The seamstress says ``Tuck the frills.''