Instrument Jokes

[HPD.]

Violin Jokes
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

Why are viola jokes so short?

So violinists can understand them.

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can't get up that high!
String players' motto: ``It's better to be sharp than out of tune.''


Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?

Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?

The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?

Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?

No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

[HPD.]

'Cello Jokes
How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?

Write ``pp, espressivo''

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin.

[HPD.]

Bass Jokes
Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?

How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.
He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, ``Would you like a moment to tune?''

The bass player replied with some surprise, ``Why? Isn't it the same as last year?''



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Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house.
Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.

``Great,'' says Joe. ``You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time.''

[HPD.]

Harp Jokes
Why are harps like elderly parents?

Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

How long does a harp stay in tune?

About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.

What's the definition of a quarter tone?

A harpist tuning unison strings.

[HPD.]

Piano Jokes
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?

Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, ``If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!''

[HPD.]

Flute & Piccolo Jokes
How do concert band flute players change a lightbulb?

They ask their boyfriends to do it for them.

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?

Shoot one.

[HPD.]

Double Reed Jokes
How do you get 5 oboes in tune?

Shoot 4 of them.

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?

The bassoon burns longer.

What is a burning oboe good for?

Setting a bassoon on fire.

What is the definition of a half step?

Two oboes playing in unison.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the bassoon recital.

What's an oboe?

It's an ill wind that nobody blows good

[HPD.]

Clarinet Jokes
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but it takes him forever to find just the right bulb.

What's the definition of ``nerd?''

Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?

Gifted.

What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

People cry when you chop an onion into pieces.

[HPD.]

Saxophone Jokes
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?

Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
You can tune a lawnmower.
The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
The grip.

[HPD.]

Trumpet Jokes
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?

I don't know either.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?

Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

What's the difference between a free Jazz trumpeter and a terrorist?

A terrorist has sympathisers.

Why can't gorillas play the trumpet?

Because they are too sensitive

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.
After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, ``I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!''