Random Funny Jokes (some considered Adult Content)

[fmunderground]

Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

[fmunderground]

The Man Who Loved Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[fmunderground]

The Guy Who Was Pissed Off
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And dammed if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Dang, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

[fmunderground]

Four Successful Sons
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."

[fmunderground]

Fallen From Grace
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I
hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked
him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery
would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived,
he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest
said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people
come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The
Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest
about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the
mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell
three times this week."

[rixanonna]

Watch season 2 Da Ali G show. theres this guy in kazakhstan who fucks with old white people.