Priest Jokes ---- Have lot of fun ---- (A)

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Three priests in a railroad station

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

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God's Week

In the beginning, God's alarm clock went off at 7:00 a.m.

God got out of bed, said, I hate Mondays!, and then created the heavens and the earth.

God Said, Let there be light! and there was light, and God saw that it was good. And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And that was Tuesday.

And God said, let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let dry land appear, and it was so. And because he had some time before quitting time and he had to look busy, God added some grass and trees and stuff. That was Wednesday, and God was glad to be past Hump day.

On Thursday , God was already thinking about what he was going to do that weekend, so he didn't get much done, just some lights in the heavens to rule the seasons, and a few stars.

And God said, Thank Me it's Friday! He created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: And God saw that it was 3:30 so he said, That's good enough, and he was out of there.

On Saturday God had to do some work he brought home from the office, so he threw together some beasts of the earth, and cattle, and everything that creepeth upon the earth, and as an afterthought created a creature in his own image and put him in charge of the other things, so God would be on time to his scheduled tennis game. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.

And on the seventh day, God wanted to rest but there was a lot of yard work to do, and and then a football game to watch, so the weekend was blown and the next day it would back to the same old grind.

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Stuttering Bible Salesman

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.

"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

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Rookie Burial Service

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery.

There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left.

The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.

After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late.

The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place.

He took out his book and read the service.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."

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Two Priests At The Pearly Gates

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.

"Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

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Two Evil Brothers

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.

The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family."

After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with: "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

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Italian Man's Confession

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if he
would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would,
and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the
divider.

"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War
II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found
her."

"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly
nothing you need to confess." "It's worse, Father," continued the
elderly fellow, "I was weak and told her that she had to repay me
for hiding in the attic by providing me with sexual favors."

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded,
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk.
You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found
you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance
the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind.
Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over."

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Spelling Your Way Into Heaven

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through
the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were
her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died
before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her - "Hello" "How are you!

We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a Wonderful
place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told
her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch
the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates
of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and
bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world.
We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my
head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

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Dividing Up The Nuts


On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence.
One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me."

He knew what it was. "Oh, my!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter
dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road as fast as
he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come quick!" said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and
St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk
as it is!"

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the
fence he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth! Let's see if
we can see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still
unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron
bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of
Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one
for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll
be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

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The New Monk

In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life to God
and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he
noticed was that they were copying by hand books that had already been
copied by hand.

He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other
copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't
copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the
originals?"

Father Justinian was startled. No one had ever suggested that before.
"Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest
books down to the vault and study it against its original document."

He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter and
started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening.

The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk
started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he
might get lost, he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian," he called.

The sobbing grew louder as he came closer. He finally found the old
priest sitting at a table with the new copy and the original ancient
book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been
crying for a long time.

"Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate'!"