Drinking jokes

[COPTICCIN]

RESISTING ARREST



A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with.

"Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father.

"No," says the boy.

"Are you resisting arrest?" he asks.

The boy hesitates before he says, "No ... I'm not sleepy yet."

[COPTICCIN]

TAKE A HIKE
Copyright 1999 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com



Don't you hate it when you're just getting into your "productive zone" and a family member interrupts with some fool project that threatens to derail your whole day?

Case in point: This weekend I'm settling into my chair, a pristine bag of taco chips nestled under my arm like a newborn baby. In my lap the TV listings reveal an entire day of sporting events (including Ukrainian Woman's Body Building, which I never miss), while to my right is a beer, glistening with dew and shimmering with promise. Then my wife bursts into the room and begins to wax irrational.

"I want to go on a family hike," she proclaims.

I nod encouragingly. "Then you should go. I'm sure there are plenty of families who would love to accompany you."

"I mean us."

"Why a hike?" I demand. "Don't they have a web site for that?"

My children are equally astounded, but, like any responsible parent, I've decided to present them with a unified front. "Your mother is crazy," I explain. "We'd better do what she says."

"But I have plans for the weekend!" my oldest daughter howls. "Why do I have to go?"

"Well, you ARE technically part of the family," I observe. "Pretend you're walking at the mall."

"You are ruining my whole life," she snaps. (I don't tell her what having two teenagers has done to mine.)

My other daughter tries a different approach.

"Can Brittany come along?"

"No."

"How about Whitney?"

"No."

"Danielle?"

"No."

"Greta?"

"Is Greta the one I like?"

"Yes!"

"Then no."

The family packs as if we're never coming back. Everyone is carrying enough water to wash the car. Our backpacks bulge with extra clothing suitable for both a day on a dog sled and an afternoon of beach volleyball.

After carefully applying makeup, my 17-year-old daughter troops out in a skin-tight blouse that looks like it came right off the rack at "Babes R Us." Maybe she's hoping we'll encounter a cleavage contest. "What do you think, we're going to run into boys on this trip?" I demand. Her response is an insolent toss of the hair that makes me wish I had some sheep-shearing tools in the garage.

"Put on something less...mammalian," I tell her.

"Why?" she jeers. "Do you think we're going to run into boys on this trip?"

My son wants to know why he can't take his hamster. "Because all pets have to be kept on a leash," I explain.

"I WILL keep him on a leash!" he promises eagerly.

An hour later we're at the base of a hill. "This is crazy," I tell my wife supportively. "Why couldn't we pick a downhill path?"

"It will be downhill on the way back," she says, as if this makes any sense.

I cast a look at my kids. My eleven-year-old is carrying a walking stick and wearing ski goggles -- he looks like a sherpa. My youngest daughter is plugged into CD headphones; my oldest is talking on the cell phone. "We're coming up on a big, big rock," she reports. "No, wait, that's my dad's butt."

For some reason this strikes my wife as funny, and she begins what will turn out to be two straight hours of giggling.

I step into a mucky bog and my shoe is sucked right off. "Hey! The trail is eating my feet!" I protest. Only my son stops to help. He has changed into a hockey helmet. I frown. "Where'd you get that?" I ask.

"In your backpack, under the ant farm."

"You brought your ant farm? Why?"

"Because I couldn't bring my hamster," he explains logically.

After we've hiked across a couple of time zones, my knees begin muttering to themselves about the ordeal. "We need to take a break, I'm bleeding internally!" I call out. I'm ignored.

I'd still be up there if it weren't for a sudden storm (shows what happens when you send your prayers marked "urgent"). My son pulls umbrellas from my backpack and we run down the hill.

"That was a once-in-a-lifetime, never-again experience," I announce as I start the car.

My wife, gazing out the window, pretends she doesn't understand the significance of my phrasing.

[COPTICCIN]

ONLY CRAYON



Coming out of the shower I grab a towel and begin to dry my face. Something smells funny so I pull the towel off to investigate. Staring me in the face is a long, thick brown streak. My heart skips a beat as I realize I've just dried my face in somebody's fecal matter. Further examination reveals brown spots all over the towel.

Completely grossed out I jump back into the shower and scrub three layers of skin off my face.

After I've finished I go downstairs, towel in hand, to ask my wife how this could happen. How could she allow the girls the freedom to wipe their asses in the towels?

"Oh," she said, "that's not poop. There was a brown crayon in the dryer and it melted all over the towels."

"What?" I stammer as relief floods over me. But then relief turns to irritation. "Why didn't you rewash them? Did you want to give me a heart attack? I just scrubbed five pounds of flesh off my face thinking it was shit!"

"No, I just didn't want to waste a wash cycle washing clean stuff."

"But, honey," I say slowly so she could understand, "it ain't clean!"

"Oh, you big baby, it's only crayon."

It's only crayon... I tell you, I wasn't even drinking but I nearly got shit faced!

[COPTICCIN]

CHILDREN



Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating Heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes WAY!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did Not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

[COPTICCIN]

A GIFT FOR HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW



Two guys were talking at work.

"I've got a problem," said the first one.

"What is it?"

"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"

"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.

"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."

"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.

The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.

When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"

Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"

[COPTICCIN]

BIRTH OF A HAMSTER
Copyright 1999 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/



I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"Oldest trick in the book," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."

"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put a hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired sarcastically.

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her.

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it was a little hard to tell," she informed me.

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Gross!" they shrieked.

"Great; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know.

"Well, when my parents' dog had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.

"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.

"Should I dial 911?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through it."

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," I told him.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, an epidural?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen....Ernie is a boy."

"What?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just..."

"Excited?" my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. "What's so funny?" I demanded.

Tears were now running down her face. "Just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its..." she gasped.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look.

[COPTICCIN]

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS FOR TEENAGERS



No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot.. You're just "abundantly verbal."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenging."

[COPTICCIN]

YOU KNOW NO ONE LOVES YOU IF...



- The pet cat got better food than you did.

- Your parents told you about strange men giving away sweets and to go and find as many of them as possible.

- You play "hide & seek" with your Mother and she hides in another town.

- Your parents take you to an orphanage and tell you to mingle.

- Your parents told you about the magic money box in the cupboard where you can hide your pocket money, and - you've since found out it was the coin-op electric meter.

- You had to share your sandbox with the cat.

- You always got your weekly allowance in Traveler's Checks.

- Your folks threw a "going-into-the-Army" party when you were only three years old.

- You run away, and the family can't give the Police an accurate description.

- You kept getting left beside the monkey enclosure at the zoo.

- You were always stood-up at the Father-Son banquet held at the local Church.

- Kidnappers send back a piece of your ear and your parents demand more proof before they pay any ransom.

- When you were born, your Father gave out old cigar butts.

- Your parents encourage you to fish in shark infested waters.

- As a baby, your Father threw you in the air and walked away.

- You find out your Mother is nursing another baby on the side.

- Your tub toys included a toaster shaped like a rubber duck.

[COPTICCIN]

THE HAMSTER



The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.

The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."

But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"

[COPTICCIN]

OVERWHELMING DESTRUCTION



"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself.

He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "And for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"