Jokes Heavan - Share Your Jokes Here.

[studiobiz]

Here's another dumb story from the web.

In Austin Taxes, a woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

[studiobiz]

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so
easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it
cures itself.


"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.


"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before
spending anymore time with you.


"Why don't we make another appointment later in the
week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of
time. --or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another
office visit.


"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW.
The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.


"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that
can be cured.


"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.


"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a
bundle.


"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a
guinea pig.


"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by
itself.


"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.


"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.


"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you
here?


"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to
prescribe this stuff.


"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after
all.


"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the
lab can solve this one.


"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting
your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat.
Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees
with me ...


"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week.
I'd better learn something about this.


"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God
I'm off next week.

[studiobiz]

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.At bedtime,the two boys kneeled down beside their beds to say their prayers.Suddenly,the youngest boy began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE.I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO.I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."His older brother leaned over,nudged his younger brother,and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers?God isn't deaf."The little brother replied, "No,but Grandma is!"

[studiobiz]

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."

Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons -- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to --"

Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?"

Customer: [clicks]

[studiobiz]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move".
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible, said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
______

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied,

"Get him, Spike!"

[studiobiz]

How to scare your roommate


1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give
them to him/her before he/she goes to class.

2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too
far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten
minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but
instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say,
"It's not funny anymore."

3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to
read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so
often how great the book is.

4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend
to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out,"
and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning
until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.

5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes
every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake
using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the
shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was
curious."

6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the
toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily,
and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If
your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about
fire-safety hazards.

7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're
going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten
minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard
man to find.

8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or
tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on
the phone.

9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a
glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and
immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a
glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of
dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does
so.

10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full
volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If
he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."

11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at
it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice
to see you again."

12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them,
and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label
them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room.
Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate
beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.

13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and
then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."

14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance"
with you every morning.

15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up
melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your
roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend
the day in bed.

16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate
doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something
your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.

17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your
roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo.
You'll be safe with me."

18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.

19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like,
"Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked
in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you
love the paintings.

20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything.
Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say,
"Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When
you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.

21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its
movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have
established a connection with the spirit world through the lava
lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."

22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this
is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One
day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of
having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and
run out of the room.

23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.

24. Roller-skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see
your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down.
Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."

25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping,
and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the
trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each
African nation.

26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so
that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me,"
open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act
like you hit your head on something.

27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate
salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do
100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to
take care of you any more."

28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever
you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have
enough for that sailboat."

29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the
rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If
your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting
like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a
message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning
about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.