Inside the minds of school-aged kids...

Inside the minds of school-aged kids...

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Ask them about their worries or concerns. This type of questioning is a great way to get kids talking. Phrasing such as "I wonder if you have any worries or concerns about anything?" If they seem confused, it often helps to clarify that question such as "You know, worries or concerns. Like this week, I am worried about whether I am going to be able to get everything I need to get done before the party at our house on Friday." You can ask the question according to location, e.g., "I wonder if there is anything that worries or concerns you at school" or "at home" or "during baseball practice," etc. Kids carry worries and concerns just as we do.

Be a good listener. We often want to go into "fix it" mode or solve the problem for them which often falls on deaf ears. Imagine telling a co-worker about a really concerning question and they go right into "Well, all you have to do is..." Chances are you are going to feel that they don't get you or understand what you are feeling. The key to being a good listener is to be empathetic. If your child says they are being left out of games at recess, follow up with an empathetic statement, e.g., "That must make you feel lonely?" When kids realize that we "get them," they are going to be more willing to share those worries and concerns and to consider any suggestions we might have for them on how to handle the situation. Of course this works with grown ups too. One of my favorite sayings is "People don't care what you know until they know that you care."

On that last point, ask permission to share advice. Nobody likes feeling lectured, especially our kids. If you have some advice to share, ask them if they want to hear it first. Nine times out of ten, they will say "yes." By asking permission, you are letting them know that you want to help but respect their right to solve the problem on their own.

Keep in mind that as parents, kids often don't get that we had the same experiences in school. When we try to share the "when I was a kid" stories, they often shut down. Despite this, your childhood experiences can be helpful especially if you share the stories with a twist. For example, instead of using "when I was a kid" make it about "I once new a kid who..." Sometimes it is easier for our children to envision other kids having similar experiences versus their parents who they see as invincible.