Poor Paddy!

Paddy was a poor child and his family was riddled with debt, but one christmas paddy decided that he would ask his father for a bicycle. Upon asking him his father explained that their situation wasnt great and that they just didnt have the money. Dissapointed paddy went to bed that night deciding to just forget about the bicycle.

Later that night paddy's dad found him sitting outside the bedroom door with a suitcase packed. He asked paddy, "What the matter son, why you packed your case?" Paddy looked up and replied...

"Well, i heard you earlier tellin' ma' in bed that you were pullin' out, but when she shouted No Wait, Im coming too! I thought there is no way im staying here on my own with no fecking bike!"

Drunk

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is
stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr," the man replies.

The cop asks - "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's penis hanging out
of his trousers for all the world to see. He asks the man,
"Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and
without missing a beat, blurts out,

"I'll be damned.... My girlfriendshs gone as well!!!!