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One Liners.....ahh those jokes that are short, but the amount of laughs are immense in size.
So enjoy...
**The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
**I know money can't buy me happiness, all i'm asking is a chance to prove it.
**I don't approve of political jokes....I have seen way too many of them get elected
**If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see all those dead rabbits on the highway?
**Remember: Half the people you meet are below average
More....
Sorry guys, this one is hitting on our own sex, but don't worry we'll get them back..lol
**How can you tell a man is sexually excited? See if he is breathing
**How are men like parking spot? The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped
**Why is it so hard to find MEN who are caring, sensitive, and romantic? Because they have BOYfriends already. LOL
More... Why? Why? Why?
** Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
**What if there was no hypothetical situations
**Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?
**Why is it that when we transport something by car, its called shipment, and when we transport something by ship, its called cargo?
**If its tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
**When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
**Why is lemon juice made with artifical flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
**Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
**Why is the boxing ring a square?
**Why is it called lipstick, when you can still move your lips?
**Why is it that night falls, but day breaks?
:):):):)
Oxymorons....Have you ever heard common sayings that when you thought about it, just didn't make sense?
Well here are a few
**Act naturally
**Found missing
**Airline Food
**Good grief
**Government organization
**Legally drunk
**Business ethics
**Military intelligence
**TEMPRORARY TAX INCREASE
**Political science
**Diet Ice Cream
** Honest Politician
**Happily Married
**Microsoft Works
Is there no one here right now, forget replies, I don't even see views. lol
BTW, please do reply if you like it/hate it or are trying to hack my computer. lol
Didn't I say before, that I'll make up for ratting on us men, well here goes.
Why is our life better than a Woman's life?
**Your ass is never a factor in any interview
**Your orgasams are real, always
**Your last name stays put
**The garage is yours only
**Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow
**Chochlate is just a snack
**You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park
**You can be President
**Foreplay is optional
**mechanics tell you the truth
**You don't feel the urge to stop a friend from getting laid
**The world is your urinal
**Wax never gets within 10 feet of your pubic area
**You don't have to drive to another gas station because this one is just too dirty
**You don't have to schedule sex,vacations, and new outfits around your reproductive system
**Same work...more pay
**Wrinkles add character
**If you retain water, its in a canteen
**People don't glance at your chest while you talk to them
**New shoes don't hurt your feet
**Porn was made with your mind in mind
**Not liking a person doesn't prevent you from having sex with them
**No pantyhose
**One mood all the time
Women
**Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting, this might get men arrested.
**If its not Valentine's day or Flower Day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can start the conversation by just asking "What did you do?"
**PMS stands for permissiable man slaughter
Marriage Jokes....
**Me and my wife go out to eat and have fun twice a week. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays
**I came home and my wife told me to take her somewhere expensive. So I took her to the gas station.
**I came home and my wife told me to take her to a place where she hasn't been in a while, so I suggested the kitchen.
**My wife got a mudpack and looked great for 2 days, but then the mud fell off.
**Remember folks, marriage is the number one cause of divorces. In an independent study conducted by scientists, it was determined that 100% of divorces were caused by marriages.
**Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to!
**Someone stole my credit card, but I'm not reporting it because the thief spends less than my wife.
**The wedding rings are basically miniture handcuffs.
What can you do at Walmart, when your wife is testing the spending limits of your credit card?
Here are some suggestions:
**Get some boxes of condoms and randomly put it in other people's shopping carts when they are not looking
**Got to the Housewares section and set all the alarm clocks five minutes apart.
**Go up to an employee and in an offical tone say "Code 3, Housewares section" and see what happens
**Take the "Caution- Wet Floor" sign to a carpeted area
**Look in the security camera and pick your nose
**While handling guns in the Hunting section, ask for the clerck next to you "Where are the anti-depressants"
**Go into the fitting room and after ten minutes, yell out "There is no toilet paper in here"
Do you want to piss of people or annoy them, well you are in luck, here is your guide.
**Sit in your car with glasses on, and point a hair dryer at passing cars, see if they slow down
**Page yourself over the intercom, don't disguise your voice
**In the memo section of your all your checks write "For Sexual Favors"
**Don't use an punctuation
**Ask people what sex they are, and then laugh hysterically when they answer.
**Repeat several times that your drive through order is "to go"
**Sing along at the opera
**Put mosquito netting around your work area
**When money comes out of the ATM scream "I won I won 3rd time this week"
**When leaving the zoo, run towards the parking lot yelling "run for your lives, they got loose"
Jokes about sex, maybe this will spur some interest.
**Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
**Women may be able to fake orgasams, but men are able to fake whole relationships.
**Having sex is a lot like playing bridge, if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
**There are a number of mechanical devices that enhance the sexuality of women, prime among these are the Mercedes 380 SL
**See the problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
**Remember it its pre-martial sex if you have no intention of getting married.
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'