golfing with the wife

golfing with the wife



A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around
his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of
golf
with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced
our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I
was
rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something
white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure
enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--
stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this
looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that!"

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill
Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the

proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His professor gave him
an A+ for
this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their
forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their
forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember jack #@&%.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball
into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to
get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup
in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little
old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the
rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast
for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any
butter for anything the rest of your life!"

THEN POOF!....she was gone.

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred.

"Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the Pussywillows."

Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!! For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"