Drinking jokes

Talking Dog for Sale
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

The mightiest animal in the jungle
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, steps on it, and ambled away.

The lion hollered after the elephant, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so annoyed."

Female gorilla
A wild life park outside of College Station had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very 'in the mood,' and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time intern from nearby Texas A&M, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Ed, like most Aggies, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer but only under three conditions:

'First,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this.'

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

'Well,' said Ed, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.'

Dead mule
A Texas boy moved to Louisiana and bought a mule from an old farmer. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died.'

'Well, then, just give me my money back.'

'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

'OK, then. Just unload the mule.'

'What ya gonna do with him?'

'I'm going to raffle him off.'

'You can't raffle off a dead mule!'

'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later the farmer met up with the Texan and asked, 'Whatever happened with that dead mule?'

'I raffled him off. I sold fifty tickets at two dollars apiece and made a ninety-eight dollar profit.

'Didn't anyone complain?'

'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Three mice at a bar
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."

Praise the Lord
A cowboy bought a beautiful new horse. The salesman told him that the horse's former owner had been a famous preacher.

"This horse is very religious," said the salesman. "And he only responds to special commands. For instance, instead of saying 'Giddy Up', you say 'Praise the Lord'. And instead of saying 'Whoa', you say 'Hallelujah'. Got that?"

"Praise the Lord and Hallelujah," nodded the cowboy.

Weeks later, the cowboy was riding through unfamiliar territory. Gorges and cliffs fell hundreds of feet on either side of the trail. The cowboy wanted to stop and take a rest, but he confused the two words the salesman had taught him.

"Praise the Lord," the cowboy said, but the horse kept on galloping faster and faster. The cowboy saw that the trail up ahead ended in a dangerous cliff. He tugged and pulled at the reins even harder and yelled "Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!" but the horse continued to race toward the cliff.All at once, the cowboy remembered the right word.

"Hallelujah!" he cried. The horse immediatly stopped, mere inches from the crumbling edge of the cliff. The cowboy breathed a sigh of relief and pulled off his hat, wiping the dust from his eyes.

"Praise the Lord," he said.

The gorilla
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

'Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?' the service guy asks.

'Boy,' is the man's response. 'Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there,' says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some structions:

'Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.'

The man asks, 'What do I do with the shotgun?'

The service guy replies, 'If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.

Bad dog!
Once there was a man named Jim, who let his dog out to relieve himself late one night. He watched some TV, and then remembered to let the dog back in. When he opened the door, he was shocked at what he saw! In his dog's mouth was his neighbor's cat, dead! "Bad dog! BAD DOG!", said the panicked man.

He took the cat away and looked at it. He couldn't bring himself to tell his neighbor what happened, so he decided to clean it up and leave it on the neighbour's porch. He took the cat into the bathroom and washed off all the blood and dirt.

It took him forever. He had to wash it four times to get it all cleaned. He brushed it's beautiful white fur as he blow dried it, and put it's collar back on. Since it was so dark, he snuck into the neighbor's yard, and laid the cat down on the porch, in front of the door.

The next day, he was on his way to the car to go to work and his neighbor was outside.

"Hi," he said. "Hi," replied Jim, nervously. His neighbor said, "something weird happened last night."

"Oh yeah? What's that," asked Jim, sweating now.

"Well, my cat died yesterday, and we buried him, and this morning he was lying on my front porch!"

you are rocking the jokes forum.
Keep sharing.
Cheers

Duke!
Joe met his girlfriend's parents for the first time at their house over dinner. After the meal, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the Joe's chair. Unfortunately, after the hearty meal, Joe really had to fart. He stealthily let out a slow, barely audible, fart.

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" thought Joe. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. Joe thought he was home free so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before Joe craps on you!"

You're ugly
There was this lady that had to walk by a certain pet store on her way each day. One morning walking by a parrot in the window said, 'Hey lady.'

She replied, 'What?' The parrot said, 'You're ugly!'

This of course infuriated the lady. For an entire week this happened. 'Hey lady' the parrot would say and when she replied with 'What' The bird would always say 'You're ugly.'

Finally on Friday the lady couldn't take it anymore. She went inside and asked to speak to the store manager. She told the manager, 'Every day I walk by your store and that parrot calls me ugly. I am tired of it and I want it to stop right now!'

The store manager apologized and assured the lady that it would stop.

On Monday when she walked by, the parrot said, 'Hey lady' ever so kindly and polite and she replied, 'what?' And the parrot said, 'You know.'

How can I pay you back?
One day, a man on vacation got stranded on a deserted island. The only thing he saved was a piece of rope, a sheep and a dog.

Days went by and after a while, he was starting to dream about sex. After giving it some thought, he tied the sheep to a tree. The only problem was, every time he tried to get close to it, the dog would attack him.

The same thing kept happening until one day, the man heard a woman screaming. He rushed to the other side of the island and saw this beautiful woman about to drown.

He jumped into the water and dragged her to safety on the beach.

Once she got her breath back, she exclaimed, 'You saved my life! How can I pay you back?'

He replied quickly, 'Here, hold my dog for a moment!'

Danger! Beware of dog!
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Three ants
There were three ants. Ant one slept in the sink, ant two slept in the bathtub, and ant three slept in the toilet.

Ant one said "I slept fine".

Ant two said "I slept fine".

And ant three said "I slept fine, except first it thundered, then it rained, then a big log fell on my head."

Two vampire bats
Two vampire bats sitting in a cave, one turns to the other one and says "I am starving, just gonna pop out for something to eat."

The 2nd bat says "OK, I will join you in about 20 mins."

So off he goes, anyway 10 mins later the 1st bat comes back blood dripping from his mouth and from his teeth, 2nd bat says "Jesus man, that was quick, what happened there?"

1st bat says "Come here and I will show you", so they go to the edge of the cave and 1st bat says "see that tree there?" pointing into the woods.

2nd bat says "Well yes", 1st bat says "I didn't".

Two camels
Two camels (a mother and a baby) were lazing around, when suddenly baby camel said.

Baby: "Mother, mother, can I ask you some question?"
Mother: "Sure! why son, is there something bothering you?"

Baby: "Why do camel have humps?"
Mother: "Well son, we are desert animals, we need the humps to store water and we are known to survive without water."

Baby: "Okay, then why are our legs long and our feet rounded."
Mother:"Son, obviously they are meant for walking in the desert. You know with these legs I can move around the desert better than anyone", said the mother proudly.

Baby: "Okay," "then why are our eye lashes long? Sometimes, it is bothering my sight." said baby camel.
Mother: "My son, those long thick eye lashes are your protective cover. They help to protect your eyes from the desert sand and wind." Said mother camel with eyes brimming with pride.

Baby: "I see. So the hump is to store water when we are in the desert, the legs are for walking through the desert and these eye lashes protects my eyes from the desert. Then what the hell, are we doing here in a zoo???"

You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?
Don was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Brown Bear in the woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around and saw a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, "Don, you've got two choices, either I maul you to death or we have sex." Don decided to bend over.

He felt sore for two weeks, but Don soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge Grizzly Bear was standing right next to him. The Grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake Don. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex."

Again, Don thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it took several months before Don finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the Grizzly and shot it. He felt the sweet taste of revenge.

But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Don turned round to find a giant Polar Bear standing there. The Polar Bear said, "Admit it Don, you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?

Liver alone! Cheese mine!
Three male dogs encounter a beautiful female poodle and immediately fall in love. Well aware of her own charms and her effect on males, she announces, "I want a mate with brains, therefore I will only date the dog who creates an imaginative, intelligent sentence using the words, 'cheese' and 'liver.'"

The black Labrador retriever quickly responds, "I love cheese and liver."

"How childish," huffs the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the cocker spaniel who responds tentatively, "Uh, I hate cheese and liver?"

The poodle shows her disgust. "That's no better than the other sentence! What about you, Mr. Chihuahua?"

The tiny dog grins, turns to the other two males and says, "Liver alone! Cheese mine!"

Lion tamer
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

And the man said, "I was looking for my father."

Gorilla
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.

When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.

The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.

Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

Bass fishing
Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

Celestial ebonics
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that haunted me all of my days on earth...Am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know - am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are!"

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said "you are what you are."

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, that answers it -you are a white horse with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "if you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said You is what you is."

Optimist and the Pessimist
Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual Pessimistic thinking.

The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"

Don't they sell birdseed anymore?
This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions."

The guy bought the bird and took it home.

Next day, the guy was back in the petstore to complain. The bird hadn't said a word.

The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.

Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.

And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the bell.

Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy wasupset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.

You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store owner.

"Yep. Right before he died it said, 'What's the matter? ...Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store any more?'"

Lock the gate at night
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo.

This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high.

Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, 'How high do you think they'll go?'

The kangaroo replied, 'Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!'

Talking frog
A boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you that I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?!?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

Boss
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:

"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.

The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars."

Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?"

To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

Son of the victim
A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Little creature
One day, an alien came to earth to destroy mankind. It had a body of a worm and it was moving as fast as a snail. Its mission is to go to the resevoir to multiply itself. So, it had been moving from places to places and it has already been a week and it was already near the resevoir.

The thing is, the military force had been trying to kill the creature by using all sorts of weapons. Bullets after bullets, they still miss.

Then as the creature was reaching its goal, suddenly, a small innocent boy passed by and accidentally stepped on it. Then the boy said, "Oh, what a poor little creature".

French lion
A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its butt when a visitor turned to the zookeeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?"

"No way," said the zoo keeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Frenchman into the cage and completely devoured him."

"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking it's butt?"

"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of it's mouth."

Kittens
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom.

Sow hogs
A farmer was trying to breed three sow hogs so he took them into town to the stud hog service. Once the hogs had finished breeding for the day, the stud owner explained, "If you see your hogs rolling in the mud, then they're pregnant. If they're basking in the sun, then the breeding was unsuccessful."

The next morning, the hogs were basking in the sun, so the farmer put them back into the truck and repeat drove back to town. The next day, the farmer noticed the same thing.

His hogs weren't in the mud, rolling around, so he figured they weren't pregnant.

Again, he loaded them into the truck and drove back to the stud service.

The next morning, the farmer couldn't bear to look at his hogs, so he asked his wife, "What are they doing?"

His wife responded, "Well, there's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is the hogs aren't rolling in the mud. The good news is they're already in the truck, and one of them is honking the horn!"

Three mice
Three mice were sitting in a bar bragging about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot of Bailey’s and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and just as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that, the mouse slams another shot of Bailey’s.

The second mouse slams a shot of Bailey’s and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that, the mouse slams another shot of Bailey’s.

The third mouse slams a shot of Bailey’s, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then ask of the third mouse, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse turns casually and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

Good and bad whale
A good whale and a bad whale are swimming aimlessly in the middle of the ocean, when one of them notices a whaling ship nearby. "Hey!" says the bad whale. "Let's go ram that ship and sink it!"

"Oh, no! We couldn't do that!" acknowledges the good whale, angellically. The bad whale thinks for a minute... "Well then, let's at least swim in circles around it and spray the people on board."

The good whale agrees reluctantly. They swim over to the boat and spray water from their blow holes. During the commotion, one of the sailors falls overboard.

"Quick!" says the bad whale. "Now's your chance! Go eat him up!"

"Listen buddy," replies the good whale, "I agreed to do the blowjob, but I'm not swallowing any seamen!"

Choked Doberman
A highly timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx. He cleared his throat and then asked, "Um, err, which one of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his chair, and looked down at the quivering little man. "It's my dog. Who's asking?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed your Doberman, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."

"A four week old puppy!" roared the biker, "How could your four week old puppy kill my Doberman?"

"Well, it appears that your Doberman choked on it, sir."

Raisin' porcupines
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner. "What do I owe you?" asked the woman.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people... you're always trying to overcharge us summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being ripped off?"

"Raisin' porcupines, Ma'am."

Smart dogs
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

The first man, an engineer, had a dog named "T-Square". The second man, an accountant, had a dog named "Slide-Rule". The third man, a chemist, had a dog called "Measure". The fourth man was a Union member. To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk and,
with a pen, promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle onto some paper.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good. The accountant, though, insisted his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide the cookies into four equal piles of three each.

Everyone agreed that too was pretty good. The chemist, though, proclaimed that his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard, and then poured exactly eight ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good, as well. Then, they all turned to the Union member and said, "Hey, pal, what can your dog do?" The Union member stood up, called his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation, and then went home on sick leave.

You don't need a BMW to pick up chicks
A horse and a chicken were playing in a meadow. The horse fell into a mud hole and is started to sink. The horse instructed the chicken to get the farmer so that he could be pulled to safety. The chicken ran to the farm but the farmer was nowhere to be found.

Without a moment to spare, the chicken got into the farmer’s BMW and drove back to the mud hole. Then, the chicken tied some rope around the bumper, threw the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and proceeded to pull the horse to safety. A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again. This time around, the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken instructed the horse
to get the farmer so that she could be pulled to safety.

Replied the horse, "Here’s the plan... I’ll stand over the hole..." The horse stretched over the length of the hole and continued, "Now, just grab for my penis and pull yourself to saftey."

The chicken obliged reluctantly and pulled herself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Cat scan
A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it.

The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog.

The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330." the vet replied.

"I don't believe it!" screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330?"

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

Pet Alligator
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscratched. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".