Drinking jokes

Polar bear
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow.

The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

"Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

"Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?"

Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing to death out here!"

Good Ol' Boys
This IT manager works at a manufacturing plant where, he says, friendship is thicker than employment.

"Management has often suspected some of the good ol' boys clocking in their buddies who routinely come in late," he reports. "The union contract specifically stated no surveillance systems are allowed, and management couldn't prove anything until the day one of the gang called in sick shortly after his shift started -- but he was already clocked in!"

Plant boss is at his wits' end. But the manager gets an idea. He's already made friends with one of the plant's more popular workers, who likes to tinker with computers, and fish thinks the guy might be willing to help.

"I was happy to give him obsolete equipment and help him with computer problems, so we'd built a nice rapport," he says. "And he was an honest fellow -- in fact, he was quite upset that the others were stealing from the company.

"So the morning after a long holiday weekend, he went out and stood by the time clock with a laptop and looked up at a dark area of the ceiling 45 feet high. Then he looked at the screen and hit some random keys.

"He did this a few times until he made sure some of the workers noticed him out there, and then went back into the office.

A little while later, the manager sends the worker out to stand by the clock and wave his hand at the ceiling. After a minute or two, he comes out of the office and tells him, "That's great, thanks."

It's not long before other shop workers ask their co-worker what he was doing. "He just replied, 'Oh, nothing,' with a big grin," the manager says. "They said, 'They put in a camera system, didn't they?' to which the worker just replied, 'I don't know what you're talking about.'

"Rumors of a surveillance system spread like wildfire. The union obviously couldn't prove that a camera system was installed, because there never was one.

"And the good ol' boys stopped clocking in their buddies -- because now they thought they'd get caught for sure."

The door
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications & said, 'We have an opening for people like you.'

'Oh, great,' the man said, 'What is it?'

'It's called the door!'

Humor in Logos
Beauty Parlor:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.
She may be your grandmother!

Rags to Riches Business:
Success is relative
More the success, more the relatives.

Barber Saloon:
We need your heads to run our business.

Police Station:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.

USA Army:
Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorists.
It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and God.

Entrance Ticket Cheaters:
You may Come free, Go free
When caught Food is free

Picture Perfect
When I had a job at the photo-developing counter of a pharmacy, the film was sometimes developed incorrectly. If this occurred, we did not charge our customers.

Once a man came to pick up his pictures, which were marked $0.00, indicating that not one of them had turned out right. The customer asked to see the photos, and when I noticed the odd splotches of color all over the pictures, I apologized profusely.

"Oh, no, these are fine," he said happily. "I'm a microbiologist. These are my bacteria cultures."

Successful Waiter
The President of a big corporation decided to take the coffee break in his posh cafeteria and review the workings for a change.

The proud President wanted to impress upon an young boy waiter cleaning the tables, beckoned him with his fingure to come to him and started bragging. He asked, "Boy, how much do you make?"

The boy waiter told him his lowly income.

The big boss asked again, "Do you have any future plans, son?"

The boy nodded, "Sir, one day at a time is my life."

The big boss continued, "Listen boy and remember, when I was your age, I came from the country side as a poor no good bum. No one would employ me. I had no food, no shelter, and was a kicked out as rotten ass. And boy, look what I have today! Cars, houses, money, stocks, bonds, wealth, name recognition, mistresses. And, what do you have, tell me?"

The waiter replies humbly, "Sir, I have what you could no get, a paying Job."

Interview Rejects
So next time when u go for an inteview be prepared for this question...

Story I
E: Do you have a boyfriend?
C: I have.
E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you!
C: Why?
E: You will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.

Story II
E: Any girl friends?
C: No.
E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.
E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider this personal issue.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?
E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence.

Story III
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?
E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because My company
is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.

Story IV
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.
E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.

Story V
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Have a few already.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshoper"! (Job hoper lah!)

Story VI
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: No.
E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce.

Story VII
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: Yes, very rich. He owns a company.
E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don't even want to employ you, neither do we!
C: But, there is no position in his company.
E: Then, what is your qualification?
C: Secretary!
E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness will affect our managers' working spirits.
C: But, I am not pretty at all.
E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested in you.

Unbreakable Combs
The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said,

"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside..."

Billboard
The executives of the A1 Steak Sauce Company were impressed with their new billboard.

It showed a handsome-husband-type guy being served a large plate of steak and potatoes seated at a table in what appeared to be a smart restaurant. An attractive, well endowed, young blonde waitress was standing over him, handing him a bottle of A1 sauce.

Originally they had titled the billboard, "What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don't?"

But after complaints from the public, that the ad was too suggestive, they changed the headline.

Now it reads: "He Gets It Downtown, Why Not Give It To Him At Home?"

Walmart
A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get ,so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Walmart associate standing there with dark shades on.

She said excuse me sir .... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?

He said ma'am, I am blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, 'That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10lb. testline. It's a good all around rod and reel ,and it's $20.00'.

She said, 'It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it.'

He went behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, 'That will be $25.50'.

She says, 'but didn't you say It was $20.00 ?'

He says, 'Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, the catfish stinkbait is $2.50. All together that's $25.50.'

Canadian salesman
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some a**hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"Seriously??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

Ulterior motive
My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free newspapers for his customers.

As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers."

Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled. "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."

Largest shirt
A man who was buying a sports shirt found the largest size too snug.

"Where do I go from here?" he asked the svelte young woman who was helping him.

"To the gym," she replied.

The hero
Our hero chatting with some heroin on chat.

Both are s/w engrs by the way and both work for real big MNC's

Hero: Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?

Heroin: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat

Hero: wow...am honored, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat

Heroin: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.

Hero: OK

(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)

Manager: Hey, I need some help from you

Hero: [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me

Manager: Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?

Hero: I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]

(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for heroin to Arrive.

All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)

Heroin: Hey, am back

Hero: cool, you know what my manager does, he's kinda..... keeps asking stupid Things, tries to give me stupid work

Heroin: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!

Hero: Yep, u rite!!

Heroin: Hey, can u do me a favor

Hero: *smiles* sure, why not.

Heroin: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real urgent for me to work this out.

Hero: hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now.ok?

Heroin: THAT WAS THE SAMETHING I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. YOU KNOW WHO IAM NOW!! YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!!

Four year old suit
A man who isn't qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits.

Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.

Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.

The owner replies, "Yah, I know. That's my way of getting rid of that pest!"

Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.

The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it.

Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.

"Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit. But tell me, what in the world happened to you?"

"Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it... said it fitted him great. As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!"

Lightbulb
Two men working in a factory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.

"How are you going to do that?"

"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."

"I think you need some time off," the foreman said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.

"I can't work in the dark," he said.

Dollar 10
The proprietor of a successful optical shop was instructing his son on how to charge a customer.

'After you have fitted the customer's glasses,' he said, 'and he asks you what the charge will be, you say, '$10.' Then see if he winces.

'If the customer doesn't wince you say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be another $10.'

'If he still doesn't wince you say firmly, 'Each.'

The genie
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Wealth, wisdom, or beauty
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. 'Done!' says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers to him, 'Say something.'

The dean sighs and says, 'I should have taken the money.'

Technician and his General Manager
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"

Balance
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance. She leaned over and pushed me!

Musical director
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Census taker
A census taker knocked on a lady's door.

She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.

"Certainly." he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped.

"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

Coffeepot
At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladie's room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup.

I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door. "You win," it read. "Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."

6 suspected terrorists
We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Playin, and Bin Lunchin have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are obviously not a suspect at this time.

Digging hole
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.

The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Joe's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

Five cannibals
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, 'You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees.' The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, 'You're all workin very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?'

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, 'Which of you idiots ate the janitor?'

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, 'You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!'

Restroom Use Policy
FROM: OPERATIONS

SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.

Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.

If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.

Skills
"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think may be worth mentioning?"

"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel."

"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."

Mrs Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."

First day of work
A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said, 'Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store.'

'But I'm a college graduate,' the young man replied indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that,' said the manager. 'Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how.'

Responsible
The stern faced Personnel Officer told an applicant that they needed an individual who is totally responsible.

"I sure qualify then." replied the applicant.

"Everywhere I've worked, whenever something went wrong, I was responsible."

Young guy from Gujarat
Young guy from Gujarat (India) moves to California and goes to a big department shopping complex looking for a job.

The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Gujuboy says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in Surat."

Well, the boss liked the Indian Boy so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down."How many sales did you make today?"

Gujuboy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."

The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for ?"

Gujuboy says: "$101,237.64"

Boss says: "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Guju boy says: Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.

Then I sell him medium fishhook.

Then I sell him large fishhook.

Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.

Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer. I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about a $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"

Gujuboy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said: Well, your weekend's screwed, you might just as well go fishing."

Interview
Interviewer: "Do you think you can handle a variety of tasks?"

Applicant: "I should say so. I've had nine totally different jobs in the past five months."

Boat race
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile!

The American team was discouraged by the loss. The morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend the corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 steering. The American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. After one year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. (Sound familiar?)

The new structure: Four steering managers, three area steering supervisors, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat, to provide a work incentive. That year, the Japanese won by two miles!!!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem!!!

Installing telephone poles
A group of redheads and a group of blondes heard that the telephone company was looking for people, so they went and applied. The telephone company decided to give them a test before hiring anyone so they sent the teams out to install telephone poles.

At the end of the day they reported back on how they had done. The team of redheads had installed 10 telephone poles and the team of blondes, one. The redheads were hired but the blonde team protested that the redheads had cheated because they left most of the poles sticking out of the ground.

The wedding ring
A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

Village Blacksmith
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours.

The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

Management Principles
When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend they talk about football.

When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.

Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that moment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

'Good day, how may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, she asks, 'Sir, how much does this rug cost?'

He answers, 'Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in your pants when you hear what the price is.'

Ugly suit
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double- breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."