Drinking jokes

nice one!

i'll give it a try:

what runs in the forest and shoots with a machine gun?

..

Rambi!

(Rambo + Bambi..)

SOME MORE JOKES !
A Priest and three nuns were out playing golf. Since the priest was the
better golfer, he went first.
The priest stepped up to the tee and hit the ball, which landed right in
the sand trap. The priest slammed his club down and yelled, "Goddamn
it, I missed!"
The nuns were shocked and said, "Father you mustn't say that, you'll
incur
the wrath of God!"
The priest went over and hit the ball, which landed five feet away in
the
sand trap, the priest said, "Goddamn it I missed again!"
Again the nuns warned him, "Father, you mustn't say that, you'll make
Godangry."
The priest whacked the ball again, this time it flew straight up in the
air and landed at his feet. The priest stomped his feet and yelled, "
Goddamn it! I missed again!!"
Just as the nuns were about to warn him again, a bolt of lightening came
down from the sky and killed one of the nuns...
>From above a thundering voice said, "GODDAMN IT!! I MISSED AGAIN!!!"

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the nightwith her
for $500. So they did. Before he left,he told her that he did not have
any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check
and mail it to her, calling the payment as "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the
way to his office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a
check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) It had never been occupied; 2) That there was plenty of heat;
3) That it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously
occupied,that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely
toolarge..
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250.00 with the following note:
Dear sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat,
there is plenty if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
landlady..

EVEN MORE JOKES
Chinese detective
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a
famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim, to watch and report any
activities that happen when he was away.
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree - look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree.
Not see.
NO FEE.

"Two Stupid Farmers"....
Two stupid farmers had this mule thatwas a very hard worker. The only
problem was every time they went to put the mule back in his stall, his
ears would brush the top of the entrance and then the old mule would go
nuts and kick everything.
One day, the farmers decided to cut a opening in the top to prevent
this
from happening. While they were working, a neighbor stopped by and
asked what they were doing, so they explained the problem.
The neighbor suggested that they could save a lot of work and time if
they simply took a shovel and dug the entrance down a little bit. The
farmers thanked their neighbor and he drove off.
Then the one farmer said to the other, "Some stupid neighbor we have,
it's not his feet that's too long, it's his ears!"

"More Penis Humor -- 3 Inches Worth"....
A guy goes for his annual check-up, and about a week later his doctor
calls him in to give him the results. "Well," says the doc, "you're in
>pretty good health, however I do have some good news and bad news for
you."
"Give me the GOOD news first." requests the guy.
"You're penis is three inches longer than it was on your last
physical."
"That's GREAT!" exclaims the guy, "but what's the BAD news?"
The doctor replies, "It's malignant!"

"Blonde In Vegas"....
A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in
front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a
candy bar fell out.
She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceded
to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy
bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.
She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob
producing yet another candy bar.
A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her, he
said, "Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?"
She said, "Duh! I'm winning here!"

"Serenity"?....
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I cannot accept.
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people,
I have to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,
as they may be connected to the ass...
that I might have to KISS tomorrow!

"Too Many Miles"....
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems =
selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.=20
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier
to
>sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the
car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He
owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the
counter
in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to
sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About
one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your
car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on
it."

"Arthur & Samuel"....
Arthur took his college roommate, Samuel, home for Christmas, and after
dinner, spoke to his father, "Dad, I need to tell you something. Samuel
and I want to get married and we'd like your blessing."
Arthur's father practically exploded, his face turned red, and was
literally speechless for ten minutes. When he finally regained his
composure, he replied, "Arthur, you CANNOT marry Samuel!!! For God's
sake, Arthur,... he's Jewish!"

The Computer Poem
Every night I lie in bed
This little prayer inside my head
God bless my mom and dad
and bless my children...
And God, there's just one more thing
I wish you would do
if you don't mind me asking....
just bless my puter too?
Now I know, that it's not normal
to bless a small machine
but listen just a second
and I'll try to explain...
You see, this little metal box
holds more than odds and ends.
Inside those small components
rest a hundred loving friends.
Some, it's true, I've never seen
and most I've never met.
We've never shaken hands or
ever truly hugged and yet...
I know for sure they love me
by the kindness that they give.
And this little scrap of metal
is how I get to where they live.
By faith is how I know them
much the same as I know you...
by sharing my life it brings them close,
so if it's okay with you...
just take an extra minute
from your duties up above...
to bless this little hunk of steel
that's filled with so much LOVE.
Enjoy, my friends...

"A Wife With Everything"....
A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The
desk
clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the
man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.
He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern
and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the
man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with
the man and mentions his behavior:
"I know it's none of my business,... but I was wondering why you
weren't
having sex with your new wife."
"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."
"Well, what about anal sex?"
"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."
"There is always oral sex."
"Nope, she has pyorhea."
"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorhea, why did
you marry her?"
"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"

A man's life is a vicious circle. Take Fathers' Day as an example.
As a reward for being such a hard-working father, my wife screwed me
all night long,..... but she got pregnant again, and *that* is how
I got into this fuckin' mess in the *first* place!

"Fishing For A Good Wife"....
One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing
reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its
cost. The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot
see
what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and
be of more help."
So she did just that. After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said,
"That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00." The woman decided to
take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she
laid a stinky, squeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said,
"That'll be fifty dollars."
"Fifty dollars?!?!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me that is was
forty dollars a moment ago!"
"Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for the reel. The duck
call
is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least we know that ugly people aren't two-faced.
If they were, surely they'd use their other face!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Second Opinion"....
A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife,
"You
aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he\'d better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL....
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just
as
if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws down with
left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into
its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist
impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over
cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by
lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly. Since your head is
down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's
just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good
cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat
and pill. Assuming position #1, saysternly, "Who's the boss here,
>anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
>claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse
to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or
woman.
15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
8. Take two aspirins and lie down.
See...now that wasn't too hard now was it....

The Kiss
Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment
of an European train. Two men and two women faced each
other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old
lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry.
Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--
who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion
magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking
man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant
Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young
private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted
about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel,
and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence,
until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following
the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat
quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking,
"Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age
there are still young women who have a little self-respect
and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked
herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind
want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that
any woman could ever think that a man in his position would
try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What
a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the
back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face
and get away with it!"

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he
heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is
exciting," thought the gentleman.
I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be
able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the
Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still,
the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good
at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me
for assistance. Shortly after takeoff, the Pope turned to the
gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter
word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind. My goodness, thought the
gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another.
The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him.
Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking
for the word 'aunt'."
"Oh yeah," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick.
So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man
planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The
courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite
of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her
honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out
of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he
had nothing on except a rubber to cover a 12 inch erection,
and was carrying a pair of earplugs and noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I
can't stand- the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning
rubber."

chocolate vs. sex
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate
without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/
desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Men and Women confuse each otherOh so true.......Boys
A heart is not a play thing,a heart is not a toy,but if you want it
broken,
Just give it to a boy.Boys they like to play with things
To see what makes them run,But when it comes to kissing,They do it just
for fun.
Boys never give their hearts awayThey play us girls for fools,
They wait until we give our heartsAnd then they play it cool.
You will wonder where he is a nightYou will wonder if he's true,
One moment you will be happy,One moment you will be blue.
If you get a chance to see himYour heart begins to dance
Your life revolves around him,There's nothing like romance.
And then it starts to happen,You worry day and night
You see, my friend, you're losing himIt never turns out right.
Boys are great, though immatureThe price you pay is high,
He may seem sweet and gorgeousBut remember, he's a guy.
Don't fall in love with just a boyThat takes a lot of nerve.
You see, my friend, you need a manTo get what you deserve.
So when you think that you're in love,Be careful if you can
Before you give your heart awayMake sure that he's a man.Girls
There are many good things in life,like cars, money, and weed.
But if you want something confusing,a girl is all you need.
A girl doesn't say what she wants,but you're somehow supposed to know.
If they want to do this or do that,stay here, stay there, or just go.
Then there's the time, you all know what I mean,that monthly little joy.
That lets them abuse the shit out of you,just for being a boy.
If you ever dare look at another girl,they seem to scream, go on, and
panic.
But watch how fast they ignore you,at the sight of that queer from
Titanic.
They give you questions like "Am I fat?",
and "If you could go with one of my friends, who?".
There is no answer, face the facts,you are definitely through.
They take nothing and blow it up,and make a tremendous fuss.
So girls, no matter what you think,you are just as hard to understand as
us.

Pondering
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when
you still have something on the ball but you are just too
tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it
"Pumping Rust"
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles
out of my face.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . .
they were cramming for their finals.
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say,
"Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's
for company:" LOL!!
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps
toothpicks? (no offense k? )
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified
in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good
Doctor.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't
they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much . . . Just
look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a
Cadillac.
If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?
I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty
more ribs where you came from:"

Quick quiz for the Gentleman
1. In the company of feminists, sexual intercourse should be referred to as:
a. Lovemaking b. Screwing c. The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only
after you've shared:
a. Your views about what each of you expect from a sexual relationship
b. Your blood test results c. Five tequila slammers
3. You should time your orgasm so that: a. Your partner climaxes first
b. You climax simultaneously c. You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a. Healthy, creative love-play
b. Not something your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c. Not something your wife/girlfriend should ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a. The best part of the experience
b. The second best part of the experience
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is: a. No concern of yours
b. You thought she was a little too skinny anyways
c. a really conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: a. A myth b. An oxymoron
c. A moron8. Foreplay is to sex as: a. Appetizer is to entree
b. Priming is to painting c. A line is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find
yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a. "I hope we can still be friends."
b. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message after the tone...."
c. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population: you."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope
with that sort of intimacy b. Is uptight and a waste of time
c. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make
sure you really are a man.
If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check yourself into
therapy.... you're still a little confused.
If you answered "c" more than 7 times, call me up....Let's godrinking.

Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0
and found that it's now a memory hog leaving very little system
resources for other applications.
He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable
resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was
included in the product brochure or the documentation, though
other users have informed him that this is to be expected due
to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always
launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other
system activity. He's finding that some applications such
as PokerNight 10.3, Beerbash 2.5, and Pubnight 7.0 are no
longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system
when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation
of undesired plugins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw
Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish
with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0
- A "Don't remind me again" button.
- A Minimize button.
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed
with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of
cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode
which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more
useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated
with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however,
I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend
2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0
first.
Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have
been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have
conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.
You'd think they would have fixed that stupid bug by now.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend
1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the
application in the system.
Another thing that sucks - all versions of Girlfriend continually
popup little annoying messages about the advantages of
upgrading to Wife 1.0.

---BUG WARNING------
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install
Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete
MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress
1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources

BUG WORKAROUNDS ------
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a
different system and never run any file transfer applications
such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware
applications that have been known to carry viruses that may
affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0
via a Usenet provider under an anonymous name. Here again,
beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded
from the Usenet.

"Don't Hurt Mommy"....
Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took his
wife upstairs for sex. Just when they were really getting into it,
their young son entered the room and started to cry.
"What's wrong, son?" the father asked. "Why are you crying?"
"You're hurting my mommy," the little boy replied.
"No, no," the father reassured.
"I'm not hurting her. We are making babies."
This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the couple
went back to their business.
The next day the father came home from work and found his son on
the steps, crying.
"What's the matter NOW?" asked Dad.
"It's those babies you were making with mommy yesterday,"
the boy answered. "The mailman is upstairs eating them."

"The Mower"....
> A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he
came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want
for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little
boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you
take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the
bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the
string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher
called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get
it
started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has
been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on =
that
string. It'll come back to ya!"

"Asshole"....
Olaf died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue
needed
someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends Swen and
Lars to
come and try to I.D. the body.
Swen went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet and Swen said
"Yaa,
he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Swen looked at his ass and said
"No
dat
ain't Olaf."
The mortician didn't say any thing but thought that was kind of
strange.
>Then he brought in Lars to I.D. the body and Lars looked at him and
said
"Yaa he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Lars looked down at his ass and said
"No dat ain't Olaf."
The mortician said "How can you tell?"
Lars said "Well Olaf had two assholes."
"What? he had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yaa, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three
of us
went to town everyone would say "Here comes Olaf with them two =
assholes!"

THE $10 BET....
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind
the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man
guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the
bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then
you get all of the money."
Man: "What are the three tests?"
Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules. So the guy gives him the
ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills.
Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink
that
whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't
make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out
back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm
in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I
won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila
and they get crazier from there.
Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar." Well, as
time
goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He
grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big
slurp.
Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge
scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and
eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead,
he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all
over his body.

The top 10 things you'll never hear a man say:
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again,
but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt?
That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
5. Why don't you go to the mall with me
and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
4. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
3. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
2. We never talk anymore.
1. Yes, you may date my daughter.

The top 10 things you'll never hear a woman say:
10. What do you mean "today's our anniversary"?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical?
I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions,
I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale,
300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

101 Things NOT To Say During Sex


1. But everybody looks funny naked !
2. You woke me up for that ?
3. Did I mention the video camera ?
4. Do you smell something burning ?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone !
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right ? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour !
13. Can you please pass me the remote control ?
14. Do you accept Visa ?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend !
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay ?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo !
22. Do you get any premium movie channels ?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya !
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin ?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera !
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs !
29. I want a baby !
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies !
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work ?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting ?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good ?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs !
37. You're good enough to do this for a living !
38. Is that blood on the headboard ?
39. Did I remember to take my pill ?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere ?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed !
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries !
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed ?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself !
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate !
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex !
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape ?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten tomatoes ?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion !
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun ?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon ?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction ?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner !
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast ?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home !
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times ?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child ?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture ?
69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you ?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation ?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something !
72. Did you come yet, dear ?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time !
75. Does this count as a date ?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you !
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you ?
79. Q: You can cook, too right ? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction" ?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls ?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light ?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes !
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it !
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash !
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer !
95. Is this a sin too ?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain !
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn ?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there" ?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date ?

Title: Unknown

I know that time can never change
the love I have for you.....
Except to make it deeper still
with everything we do......

In all my dreams of coming years,
you play the greatest part,
For I know that time will never
change the love within my heart.

Love is the beauty in everyday things
the comfort in a touch,
the warmth in a home,
the joy in a memory
the pleasure in dreams of tomorrow.

Somewhere there waiteth in this world of ours
For one lone soul another lonely soul,
Each choosing each through all the weary hours
And meeting strangely at one sudden goal.

Then bend they, like green leaves with golden flowers,
Into one beautiful and perfect whole;
And life's long night is ended, and the way
Lies open onward to external day.

The night had a thousand eyes,
And the day but one;
Yet the light of the bright world dies
With the dying sun.

The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one;
Yet the light of a whole life dies
When love is done.

Author: Unknown

A ROSE


The red rose whispers of passion,
And the white rose breathes of love;
O, the red rose is a falcon,
And the white rose is a dove.

But I send you a cream-white rosebud
With a flush on its petal tips;
For the love that is purest and sweetest
Has a kiss of desire on the lips.

Author: Unknown

FROM THE HEART

I wanted to make you smile
I could of said I'll die for you
Or walk a thousand miles

That may sound poetic
But never really sincere
It's hard to put into words
What I feel "in here"

"In here" is where you are
You've been there from the start
You alone and no one else
Buried deep inside my heart.

Author: Unknown

SHE WALKS IN BEAUTY

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:

Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace

Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,

But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

Author: Lord Byron

ASSAULT OF THE DREAM

Of all the moments we in our hearts desire,
Surely it's of this that we most dream:
To bare our arms while covert eyes inquire
What passions are revealed within their gleam.

To touch, to hold, here more than arms embrace
For caresses gently gesture, "Guards, dismissed!"
And silent lips accept with trembling grace
This sweet surrender, signaled by a kiss.

Author: Gary Boone ©

'M FALLING IN LOVE

Every time I see your face and I hear your voice,
It stirs up feelings inside that I've never felt before.

Was it the words you said that made me feel this way?
Maybe it was the touch of your hand and the smile on your face.

I think I'm falling in love with you.
Is this love that I'm feeling inside?
Is this love that is burning my heart,
And keeping me up at night.

Oh, Lord, I don't even know what to do.
I think I'm falling in love with you.

I always lose control when your by my side.
You have become the light of my life.
I always enjoy the time I spend with you.

Because nothing makes me feel the way you do.
I think I'm falling in love with you.
You are my best friend and my only true love.

I'm sure that you were sent from heaven above.
Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.
And our future is beginning to look so bright.
I think I'm falling in love with you.

Authur:Unknown

Title:Unknown
Tonight I looked up at the stars,
And I wondered where you are.

Tonight I gazed upon the moon,
In hopes that I would see you soon.

Tonight I've been thinking of you,
Have you been thinking about me, too?

Tonight my heart is full of fear,
'Cause you are there and I am here.

Tonight I will have a dream,
And all too real it will seem.
Tonight you'll look oh so fine,
But It will all be in my mind.

Tonight you won't even know,
That I still love you so.

I cannot caress your soft skin,
Or run my fingers through your hair.

For it's only your picture I see,
An image is all that's there.
I can admire your beauty,

To which I must stare.
Your chin, your mouth, your nose and eyes,
All add to a face so fair.

I hope that you can accept,
How much I really care.
A person who loves you more,
You shan't find anywhere.

Down the road, I see a day,
When my feelings we'll both share.
'Cause the way I feel without you,
I can only so long bare.

Authur:Unknown

The Condoms
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have
sex for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist
helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is
to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks
the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10 pack, or
family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he
will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents. Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girls parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
passes, and the boy is still in deep prayer with his head down. 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20
minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist..."