A High School Boy...
A High School Boy once found a book in the school library whose cover read "HOW TO HUG" was delighted to take it home.
On opening it, he was disappointed to discover it was volume seven of an encyclopedia.
Printable View
A High School Boy...
A High School Boy once found a book in the school library whose cover read "HOW TO HUG" was delighted to take it home.
On opening it, he was disappointed to discover it was volume seven of an encyclopedia.
A Wise Old Man
A wise old man who was a judge, was asked to settle a dispute between two brothers about the fair division of a large estate left them by their father.
"Let one brother divide the estate," said the judge," and let the other brother have the first choice in choosing his share."
Coincidence
In a kindergarten school, a teacher asked her class to give examples of coincidence.
There was a long silence, then a small boy said: "My father & my mother were married the same day."
Novel
A BLONDE is in the library , she bangs down a book and says :" too boring, too many characters and no story.
LIBRARIAN says : oh! U r the one who took the phone directory away??
Score
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in maths and 20 in science."
Score
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in maths and 20 in science."
HOME
A BLONDE tells her boyfriend, "Come home tomorrow, no one will be at home."
When he goes the next day to her home.......
Her door was locked.
Blunder
"James", said Martha, "it is our silver anniversary next tuesday. We should mark the occasion. Shall we kill the pig?"
The husband replied, "Kill the pig! What's the good of murdering an innocent pig for a blunder that happened twenty-five years ago?"
Vacation with pay
When Arthur Brisbane was about to complete fifty years of journalism, Mr. Hearst, his employer, urged him to take a six month vacation with pay. This magnanimous offer Brisbane refused to accept, saying there were two reasons for his doing so.
"The first reason, "he said," is that I quit writing my daily column for six months, it might affect the circulation of your daily newspaper, the second is that it might not affect the circulation."
Sunday School
A big advertising man had a small daughter who came home from Sunday School one day carrying a bundle of pamphlets and cards.
"And what do you have there?" asked the man. "Oh, nothing much," answered the little girl. "Just some ads about heaven."
Abu Abed Having Prostate"
Abu Abed was suffering some pain and went to see his doctor who checked him and told him that he had prostate....
Abu Abed went upset and told his good friend Abu Steif about his medical problem...
Abu Steif : Is the doctor sure that you have prostate ? Tell me how did he check you because as I know when the doctor check for the prostate he lies down on the bed, put one hand on your shoulder and the other down to check if you have a prostate...
Abu Abed upset started shouting and screaming
Abu Steif : "What is wrong with you...why did you suddenly started shouting and screaming ?
Abu Abed : " The Bastard ..had his two hand on my shoulder ...!"
Abu Abed totally stoned asked his friend Abu Steif: "Tell me please where the other side of the street ?
Abu Steif : It is right over there ...
Abu Abed : " Bastards... I was there on that side a while ago and they told me it is over here...!"
"Abu Abed Working in a Sweet Shop"
Abu Abed was working in a sweet shop "Halwanji", he told his neighbor if you take off your dress I will give you a tray of 'Maamoul".. If you take off your night dress I will give you a tray of "Knefeh"...
if you take off your bra I will give you a tray of 'Baklawa".. and If you take off your underwear I will give you a tray of "Borma"...
His neighbor replied : That means until you reach what is in my mind, I will surely become diabetic
Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U
Continue to do so.
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can
there be greater than this one?"
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and
lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give
up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO
LEFT
YOU A FORTUNE"
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer:
"Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: " Billionaire"
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or
my body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor
a drunk goes into a zoo and looks at a rather fat zebra and says "tell the republicans and the emocrats to stop fuckin...their children are horrific."
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "you know there's a beer named after you?" The grasshopper says, "Why would anyone want to name a beer 'Bob?'" :lol: :lol: :lol:
Is it sad that I feel all of you are making these alcoholic jokes at me? :(
So fun ^^
thanks
The third parishioner entered and began, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have engaged in anal sex." The janitor consulted his chart, but could find neither "Anal Sex" nor "Sex, Anal". He began to get worried. He looked out of the confessional and spied an altar walking by. He motioned the boy over. In a hushed voice, he said "Tell me something kid, what does the priest give for anal sex?". The altar boy looked him quizzically and said, "Well, two twinkies and a glass of milk."
hahaha dear lord
theese jokes are quite ......sick
thanks! I do not speak English
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interferring with your drinking.
Your docter finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
When you can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth!
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women].
Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive.
Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
You've fallen and you can't get up.
When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle - please pass the ice pack....
BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
Your name is Ted Kennedy
What do cats call mice on skateboards?
Meals on Wheels.
Dude's that's screwed up
um, hahahahaa, I think.
Hello.........
these are awesome one..
Thank you for sharing..
A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York.
It’s fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”
The other one says, “No, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz.”
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.
The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!
The phone rings. It’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
Really funny.
this is funny
you got banned?Quote:
Originally Posted by maan2