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The speeding ticket
3 men were speeding down a highway. a cop pulled them over and said "i’ll let you off this time but next time i’ll have to give you a ticket" he next day they were speeding again and the same cop pulled them over and said "i have to give you a ticket, unless under one condition, all your penises equal up to 10 inches"
The first man’s penis was 5 he was very proud. the second man’s penis was 4. the third man’s penis was 1. the first man said "if it wasnt for me we would have got a ticket" the third man said "no, we were luckly, i was getting a hard-on"
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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure, In Africa they didn’t know what ’food’ meant, In India they didn’t know what ’honest’ meant, In Europe they didn’t know what ’shortage’ meant, In China they didn’t know what ’opinion’ meant, In the Middle East they didn’t know what ’solution’
meant, In South America they didn’t know what ’please’ meant, And in the USA they didn’t know what ’the rest of the world’ meant!!!
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A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn’t seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during sex, that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window
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7 Ways to Catch the LION.
1. Newton’s Method: Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion .
2. Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
3. Schrodinger Method: At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait.
4. Inverse Transformation Method: We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion is in and we are out.
5. Thermodynamic Procedure: We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows every thing to pass it except lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it.
6. Integration Differention Method: Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is some where in the result. So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion.
7. The Banta’s Method: DON’T EVEN TRY. YOU’LL GET CAUGHT BY THE LION.
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Interesting Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot! jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
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A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"Oh really? What’s it telling you now?" she inquires.
"Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
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A young girl and her mother were walking down a street when they passed a house with the curtains open and two people clearly having sex. The young girl says to her mother
"What are they doing mummy?"
Her mother replies
"They’re making cakes sweetheart"
That night the young girl goes downstairs to get a glass of water when she opens the living room door and sees her mum and dad having sex. Remembering what her mother had previously said about this particular activity she quite happily went back to bed.
The next day she says to her mum
" I saw you and dad making cakes last night"
Shocked her mother replies
"dont be silly you must have been dreaming"
To which the young girl replies, no mom I know you were making the cake coz today morning I have just licked the icing of the sofa.
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Random Joke
One day a lady came in running into police station where santa singh was police inspector...
And she said "praji..praji gajab ho gaya"
Santa singh asked "bhenji ki ho gaya"
The lady replied "mere pati 6 din pehle gobi ki sabji lene bazaar gaye the, aur abhi tak woh nahi laute hain"
On that santa singh replied " koi gal nahin bhenji, tusi aur koi sabji bana lo".
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How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini
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There are three engineers in a car, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three
engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"
