Printable View
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper,"
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn`t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don`t feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that." Replied the nonchalant husband.
"Then why on Earth did you invite a friend for supper?" said the infuriated wife.
"Because the poor fool`s thinking about getting married."
A priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions.
A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession - "Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green."
"That is your sin?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Our Father."" and the man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners... "Those are your sins?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Mary's."" The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels down. "Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins, I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months."
This time, the priest has to ask - "Who is this Nookie Green?"
"Just a woman I know, Father."
"Very well-you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Mary's."
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is . . .
The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.
The priest cannot help but stop and stare.
He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy "Pssssst.. Is that Nookie Green?"
The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"
A sixteen year old girl goes to confession.
Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch
yesterday.
Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?? the
priest asked.
Because, father, he touched me on my arm
without permission.
Do you mean like this?? He touches her arm.
Yes father.
That's no reason for calling him a son of a
bitch.
But father he also touched my breasts.
You mean like this?? He touches her breasts.
Yes father.
That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.
But father, he took off my clothes.
Like this?? He takes off her clothes.
Yes father.
That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.
But father he then put his you-know-what in
my you-know-where.
Like this?? He put his you-know-what in her
you-know-where.
Yes father, she says sometime later, after
catching her breath.
But that's no reason to call him a
son-of-a-bitch.
But father, he has AIDS.
That son of a bitch!
Jack and Terry were talking one day in the company lunch room. Jack confessed that he had recently been having trouble with women. He asked Terry, who always seemed to have a date, what was his secret to finding women willing to go to bed. Terry said the secret was poetry. Jack said that poetry was for sissies. Terry disagreed and stressed how poetry had made him very successful with women.
Jack: "OK, I'll give it try. What should I say?"
Terry: "You need to say something about their hair, then compare their eyes to some animal, then explain to them the way you want to make love to them."
Jack: "Give me an example."
Terry: "Curly blond hair and eyes like a dove. I want to take you home and make sweet love."
Jack: "OK, that sounds easy, I'll give it a try."
The next day, as Terry walks into the company lunch room, he sees Jack. Jack's head is swollen & covered with bruises.
Terry: "What happened to you?"
Jack: "I tried your ****in' poetry, that's what happened!"
Terry: "What did you say?"
Jack: "I took your advice, I said something about her hair, and compared her eyes to an animal, then explain to her the way I wanted to make love to her."
Terry: "And it didn't work?"
Jack: "Hell, no it didn't work... look at me. She beat the shit outta me."
Terry: "Let me hear your poem."
Jack: "Nappy haired bitch with eyes like a frog. I wanna bend you over and screw you like a dog."
A wealthy man and his dog were on Safari when one day the dog starts chasing butterflies and gets lost. Wandering about, the dog notices a leopard sprinting towards him, with the intention of having him for lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." But out of the corner of his eye he notices some bones on the ground and immediately turns his back towards the cat and starts chewing them
As the leopard is about to leap on him, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
The leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew, that was a close call. The dog nearly had me!" says the leopard.
Meanwhile, on a nearby tree a monkey had watched this scene and figured he could put his knowledge to use in exchange for protection from the leopard. As he heads off, the dog notices the monkey running after the leopard at great speed and figures something is up.
Catching up with the leopard, the monkey tells all and strikes a deal. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and say, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what will happen to that canine!"
The dog sees monkey and leopard approaching and thinks, "What will I do now?" But, instead of running, the dog sits down with his back facing the attackers and pretends he hasn't seen them. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Now where is that monkey! I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"
For his 15th birthday, a boy's son gets a duck from his father. His father says "take this and go get a woman." THe boy heads to town and runs into a whore and says "It's my birthday, will you have sex with me for this duck?" THe whore replies, "Well im not too sentimental about birthdays, but i've never owned a duck before!" So they go at it and about 10 minutes later she says "Well kid, you're quite a lay! I'll give you back the duck for another go!" So they go at it again, so later that day, the boy is walking home and the duck wiggles out of his hand and gets hit by a semi truck. THe driver gets out and appologizes then gives the boy $5 to get a new duck. Upon arriving home the father asks, "So how was your day?" The kid replies, "I got a **** for a duck, a duck for a ****, and five bucks for a ****ed up duck."
Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.
Russian scientists invoked unique device which teleports the pain of the woman in childbirth to the child's father. They decided to test the device, connect it to the woman in childbirth, turn it on 50% of power. They calls her husband:
"Do you feel something?"
"I'm feeling nothing! I'm watching the football!", answers the husband and hangs up.
The scientists turns the device on 75% of its power and calls again:
"Sorry, do you feel something?"
"I'm feeling nothing! I'm watching the football! Don't distract me!"
Scientists are in utter confusion. They turn the device on 100% of power. The woman feels nothing. They calls her husband:
"But now do you feel something?"
"Fcuking bastards you are! My team loses. The neighbour screams like crazy! And the phone rings every minute!"
Below is some correspondence wich actually occoured between a London Hotel staff, and one of it's guests. The London hotel submitted it to the sunday times. No name was mentioned...
THIS IS LONG BUT HILARIOUS ONE
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and
another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on
top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you
had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am
going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we
are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in
your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial
was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't
remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the
medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to
when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of
further assistance.
Your regular maid, Dotty
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept
my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars
of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of
soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call
the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our
maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a
room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my
apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I
want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars
of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my
bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing
so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken
and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know
anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy,
did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays
plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel
issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I
left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.
S. Berman
This is also from a hotel but with a difference......
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest
and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and
published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish
mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,
crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey
sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"