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The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.
At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"
The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I’m cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."
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Once An Indian A Swiss And A French Were Travelling In A Hot Air Baloon.After Sometime French Says We Have Reached France.When Other 2 Ask Him How He Found Out He Replies That My Hand Touched Eiffel Tower.
After Sometime The Swiss Says That Switzerland Is Right Below Us. When The Other Two Ask Them How He Found Out He Says That He Can Smell Un Polluted Cool Air. After Sometime The Indian Stretches His Hand Out Side An Tells That India Has Arrived. When The Other Two Ask Him How He Found Out He Teels That Someone Stole My Watch.
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Once Banta Singh goes to dinner with his friends.Just to have some fun one of his friends ask’s Banta, "How many Idlis can you eat when your stomach is empty?". For which Banta answers promptly - "8 idlis".
His friends laugh at him and say,nobody can eat 8 idlis when their stomach is empty because when they eat the first idli their stomach would no longer be empty.
Banta enjoys the joke very much and as soon as he comes home calls his wife and asks, "How many idlis can you eat when your stomach is empty?". She replies - "5 idlis".
Hearing this answer Banta gets furious and replies, "You fool! Had you said ’8 idlis’ I would have told you a good joke!"
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Laloo becomes PM and goes to Pakistan for a one-on-one with Nawaz Sharif. They decide to meet without aides and are closed for about 5 minutes.
Then Nawaz Sharif comes out and drops a bombshell - Pakistan has decided to giveup all claims on Kashmir, with no strings attached! The world is stunned. Laloo has achieved in 5 minutes what others had failed to in 50 years! How did you do it, what did you promise, the press clamours. "Sab Akai TV - waalon ka kamaal hai," says Laloo. "Woh kehte hain na, TV loge tho fridge free milega, video khareedein to cellphone free milega... tho ham bhi
Nawazbhai se keh diye: "Aapko Kashmir chaahiye na? Le jaayie. Magar saath mein Bihar free milega, bas!"
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A very rich maharajah decided to give his daughter and his kingdom to the guy who would bring to him the most precious ping-pong balls.
Indeed, some days later a guy brings a pair of golden balls, while another brought a pair of diamond ones and a third brought a ping-pong ball made of a very rare mineral found only in a remote part of the Amazon jungle.
The maharajah was ready to issue his decision, when suddenly our brave Santa, holding a pair of watermellon-shaped black things, shows up screaming "Hold it, I brought them"...
The maharajah says "But, these are not ping-pong balls".
Santa, startled, says, "Ping Pong? Shit..I heard King Kong"
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A girl applied for a job, and was given a form to fill out, She retired to a table in a corner of the room with it.
Most of the blanks she filled out with no great difficulty, but presently she seemed to be having trouble in deciding how to answer one question.
She looked over furtively, chewed the pen, then wrote a word or two and submited the form.
The Boss looked it over -- name, age, address, tele no, then came a space which said: "Sex..." Here she had written "Occasionally."
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The bunny and the snake
Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am."
"It’s quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful." replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you’re covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you’ve helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you’re scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I’d say you must be either a consultant, or possibly someone in senior management."
[
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A guy went into a public washroom and had to use the only available urinal, which was between two elderly men. He glanced to his left and saw the guy pissing, but there were two streams. "What the hell is that?" he asked.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes."
Then the guy looked to his right and saw three streams. "What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes."
The two veterans then looked over at the guy in the middle and saw 12 streams! "War wound?" they both asked.
"Naah, my zipper’s stuck."
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Coma Recovery
Patient: "Huh? What? Where am I?"
Nurse: "You’re in the hospital. You’ve been in a coma."
Patient: "How long was I in a coma?"
Nurse: "Ten years"
Patient: "Wow... Who’s President?"
Nurse: "Bush"
Patient:
Patient: "How’s the economy?"
Nurse: "Lotta layoffs"
Patient:
Patient: "Who else is in the White House?"
Nurse: "Cheney and Powell"
Patient:
Patient: "Are we by any chance bombing Iraq?"
Nurse: "Yep"
Patient: "HOW long was I..."
Nurse: "Ten years"
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Ganguly
Ganguly the fastest
- Shoiab Akhtar admits Ganguly is faster and quicker than him. "I haven’t seen any one get out so fast. Man, I envy his speed. I am quick but he is quickest.", he says. "I think I should now cut my run up short when I bowl to him. Or else, he might be gone when I am half way thru my run up."
- Narain Karthikeyan to get some tips on Speed from Ganguly. His sponsorers have asked him to talk to the Prince of Kolkotta. They are also planning to endorse Ganguly.
- Dinesh Karthick confesses that his skills in getting ready and padded have improved a lot. As soon as Ganguly goes to bat, I know there is very little time in getting ready. "I must have broken world records a few times in this series" , says the Indian dimunitive wicketkeeper.
- Ganguly to donate all his bats to charity. "I don’t require a bat nowadays", said the Indian skipper.
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There is a couple, both really fat, the wife fatter than the husband one day, mom is giving a bath
son:mummy mummy, what’s that(pointing to her tummy)
mom:my dear its a pot
son:how much does it cost
mom:$2
Next day husband is giving bath to his son.
Son: Daddy Daddy, is that a pot too
dad:yes it is
son:how much does it cost
dad:$5
son(confused) : how come your pot is smaller but costs more
dad(sheepish):my boy, your mom has a crack under her pot while i have a tap underneath.
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The cold war between US and USSR resulted in a system where if USA launched a Nuke-loaded missile, USSR’s satellite were capable of informing the USSR army in 3 seconds, and in less than 45 seconds USSR would launch its counter-missile. US knew that and therefore never attempted to launch one.
INDO-PAK War......
Pak army decides to launch a Nuke-missile towards India... They don’t need any permission from their government, and promptly launch the missile.
Indian technology is highly advanced. In less than 8 seconds, the Indian army detects it and decides to launch a missile in retaliation. But they need permission from the Government of India. They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet.
The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session after three days. When the LS meets, there are several walk-outs and severe protests by the opposition, so it is adjourned indefintely. However, the President asks for a quick decision.
The Pak missile, meanwhile, failed to take off due to unknown reasons. Their attempts for a launch are still on.
Meanwhile, the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because an outside party withdraws support. The President asks the PM to prove majority next week. The ruling party is unable to get a confidence vote, and a caretaker government is installed.
The acting PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch the Nuclear Missile. But the Election Commission says that a caretaker Government cannot take such a decision because elections are at the door and this decision will affect the swing of votes in the election. A public interest litigation (PIL) is filed in the supreme court of India, alleging misuse of power by the Election commission. Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says acting PM is authorized to take this decision.
In between all this, one of the Pak missiles successfully takes off, and falls 367 miles away from the target. The Missile falls on a government building at 11:00 AM. But since no employees have reached work, there are no casualties.
The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China. US condemns use of a nuclear missile by Pakistan, and offers to send its seventh fleet to the Indian Ocean. The Indian government, wary of the move, declines.
Finally, the Indian government decides to launch a nuclear missile, after convening an all party meeting. It’s been three months since the army first sought permission. Pro-humanity, anti-nuclear activists come on board against
the government’s decision. Human chains are being made in New York, LA and Washington for peace. Indians are sending protest email requesting that it be "forwarded to as many Indians as possible".
On the Pakistan side, missiles keep failing. At times they fail to take-off, at other times the payload gets detached from the missile during flight. Some missiles deviate from target due to high-speed winds blowing over Rajasthan,
and have to be neutralized by Pakistan, as these missiles are now moving backwards towards Karachi.
Finally, a missile smuggled from USA is used. The Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, so it hits its original destination: Russia.
Russians successfully intercept the missile and in retaliation, launch a Nuclear missile towards Islamabad.
The missile hit the target and creates havoc. Pakistan cries for help. It asks for loans from IMF and the world bank. India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of soap.
The War ends.
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Once upon a time there was an indian (he was a cricket fan) India was playing a match at wankhede stadium, but on the same day his wife was having a delivery he had no wishes of missing the match so he decided to watch the match and visit his wife later on.
The match began, two quick wickets fell.the fan was dissappointed and he remembered his wife he picked up the phone and quickly dialed number.
He wanted to call the hospital but accidently called up the stadium, he asked the man on the other end thinking him to be the doctor "so what’s the result?"
The man replied "It’s still in process, two are out nine are left and the last one was a duck!"
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This happened about a month or two ago near Lonavala, and even though it sounds like something out of the X Files or from Alfred Hitchcock Presents... it’s real !
This guy drives from Mumbai to Pune and decides not to take the new expressway as he wants to see the scenery.
The inevitable happens and when he reaches the ghats his car breaks down - he’s stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human abitation.
It’s dark and raining and pretty soon he’s wet and shivering.
The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains are so strong he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him.
It slows and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy opens the car’s door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realizes! There is nobody behind the wheel!!
Even though there’s no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep, steep drop beyond the curve).
Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.
He hasn’t come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel!
The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend.
Finally, the guy sees lights ahead.
Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights.
It’s a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside dha! bba, which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some hooch and give him a shot, he starts telling whoever is in the dhabba about the horrible experience he’s just been through.
A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn’t drunk, and is really frightened he’s crying and shaking.
So they give him more hooch and talk about what they should do, whether to call the Cops or find a priest, or what.
But just then two guys (santa & banta) walk into the dhabba, and one says to the other "Look, Banta that’s the jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it."
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There were three young priests about to take their final vows. The last test that they had to pass was the celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their member.
A belly dancer entered the room and started slinking around the first priest. "Ting-a-ling" The chief priest said, "oh Patrick, I’m disappointed, you have failed, go and take a cold shower.
The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy, when the chief priest heard, "Ting-a-ling" Robert, I’m very disappointed. You can’t resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a cold shower, said the chief priest.
The belly dancer started dancing totally naked now around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of, but no bell rang !! John, I’m delighted. You’ve passed ! You can resist the temptation of a woman. Now, go and relax and take a shower with Patrick and Robert. "Ting-a-ling," "Ting-a-ling," "Ting-a-ling"
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I have a dog his name is "Sex" I don’t know what got over me, when I named him but that’s what I call him.
He’s a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to the city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I’d like one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn’t care what she looked like.
Then I said, "You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old."
He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said, "You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don’t care what you do." I said, "Look, you don’t seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said,"Funny--I have the same problem."
One day I entered Sex in a dog contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don’t understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV."
"Now that is all over cable."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married."
The judge said, "The courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.
He said, "Me, too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up Friday.
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Bush Quotes
George W. Bush’s reputation isn’t in having a stellar command of the English language. Here are some examples to concrete this reputation.
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
...George W. Bush, Jr.
"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush, Jr.
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97
"I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95
"We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
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Traffic Jam!
A major traffic jam was preventing people from moving forward people have been stuck for around 10 mins. A motorist shouted out wanting to know what was happening. A guy from the front replied, ’Well at the traffic crossing Laloo Yadav is sprawled across the road. He is refusing to move from there!’
’But why?’
’He has lost the elections and will now surely be convicted for corruption and will have to pay lakhs of Rupees as fines! He is threatening to douse himself with kerosene and set himself on fire if people didn’t contribute with money to help him pay the fine!’
’So how much has been collected so far?’
’Six hundred litres in 10 mins!’
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Banta’s wife, Preeto, goes to England to attend a two-week, company training session. Banta drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
Preeto answers, ’Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?’
Banta laughs and says, ’An English girl !!!
Preeto kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later Banta picks her up in the airport and asks, ’So, honey, how was the trip?’
’Very good, thank you.’
’And, what happened to my present?’
’Which present?’
’What I asked for, the English girl?!’
Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl !!!
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Husband’s Intelligence
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving."
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Laloo was going to somewhere through plane.
Air hostess asks him "Are you a vegetarian??
He replied "nahi hum to parliamentarian hai."
Air hostess again asked "nahi sir, mera matlab hai, Aap shakahari hai ya masahari???"
Laloo boola "na to hum shakahari hun na hum masahari hum to behari hun."
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A New VIRUS....be aware......Get Rid of the New Virus ...!!
There is a new virus - code name "Work". If you receive "work" from your colleagues , your boss , via e-mail , phone or anywhere else , do not touch "work" under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come into contact with this virus, follow these steps:
#1. Put on your jacket
#2. Round up two good friends
#3. Go straight to the nearest pub
#4. Order three drinks, 14 times.
You will find that "work" has now been completely deleted from your brain. Forward this virus warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life.
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The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: She’s having triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She’s a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them.
Good: Your son understands fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
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There was a Surd scientist who was studying frogs.
The scientist told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped, and he jumped 4 feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 4 feet jumps 4 feet.
The scientist then cut of one leg. He told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped. He jumped 3 feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 3 feet jumps 3 feet.
The scientist then cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped. He jumped 2 feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 2 feet jumps 2 feet.
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped. He jumped 1 foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 1 foot jumps 1 foot.
The scientist cut off the last leg. He told the frog jump, Jump, JUMP!
But the frog did not move. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with no legs goes deaf.
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Dilbert’s Law of Work
* A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from the kick in the butt!
* Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you cant be promoted.
* When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
* Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous"
* Never delay the ending of a meeting or the begining of a cocktail party!
* Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
* If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out it!
* At work, the authority of a person is inversly proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
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John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What’s wrong?"
"It’s my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But not everybody gets theirs pregnant."
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A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman’s home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close.
"Oh, no, it’s my husband!"
The man says, "Where’s your back door?"
"We don’t have a back door" says the woman.
The man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?"
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once in a mens locker room of a golf course a mobile rang, every body stopped to listen. the man picked up the phone and on line was a lady "Darling i saw a very beautiful drees Its only for Rs 50,000 can i buy it?"
Man: sure darling
Lady: and i saw a very elegant gold set for a lakh...
Man: buy it sweetheart
Lady: and a decorative painting for our room how about that only 75,000?
Man: of course
Lady: thankyou, i love you!
Everyone in locker started staring at the man, after sometime the man Shouted "Does anyone knows the owner of this phone?"
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A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help.
He goes into the temple and begins to pray........... "Oh Bhagwan, please help I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto" Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue........
"Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!! Back to the temple..............
"My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving.... I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won’t you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarji is confronted by the voice of Ram: "SARDARJI, BUY A DAMN TICKET FIRST !!!
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Who is Jack Shitt
You must have heard this phrase in the office a zillion times, "You don’t know Jack Shitt" now the answer to "You don’t know Jack ........"
Who is Jack Schitt?
The Lineage Revealed
Many people are a loss for a response when someone says "you don’t know Jack Schitt."
Now, you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owners of Knee-Deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school drop-out.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and, consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone says you don’t know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
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The bowlers were getting a terrible roasting from the opposition’s opening batsman.
’Don’t worry,’ said the cocky young bowler, ’I know his weakness.’
He bowled three balls and every one was smashed over the boundary.
’I see what you mean,’ said the captain. ’He’s got a weakness for sixes!
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Random Joke
Banta in France
Banta Singh was a business graduate, and had been out of school for several years. He had established a furniture store and was doing quite well. He decided to expand the lines he carried by adding some expensive French furniture he knew no one else in town carried.
He scheduled a buying trip to France. Banta’s first day in Paris was very successful and he found a number of pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home. After the arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture home, he decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe.
The place was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table. Just about the time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and motioned to the empty chair at his table with a questioning look on her face.
He assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes." The girl sat down with him. The girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he understood not one word of French. He tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not one word of Punjabi. He had an idea. He took a napkin and drew a wine glass and a question mark. She nodded her head "yes." They sat quietly enjoying their wine.
When it was just about finished, Banta realised it was nearly time for dinner. He took another napkin and drew a picture of two people at a table eating dinner. She nodded her head "yes" and took him by the hand. She led him down the street to a very nice restaurant. They went in. The girl spoke with the head waiter and they were seated in a quiet corner where they could hear the band playing and see the dance floor. Banta could not read the menu since it was in French, so he allowed the girl to order for him. The food was excellent and the couple thoroughly enjoyed it.
After dinner, Banta took a napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the band played, whether fast or slow. When the band quit playing and began to pack away their instruments, the couple returned to their table.
The girl took a napkin and reached for Banta’s pen. He handed it to her and she drew a picture of a four poster bed..........!
Banta is still wondering to this day how she knew he was in the furniture business!
-
When Bill met Monica...Bollywood Ishtyle
It all began on a day when Bill sat in the Oval Office and sang a number from Jewel Thief "Yeh Bill na hota bechara, kadam na hote awara," At that moment, Monica who was passing by the room, heard it and responded lustily from the corridor-"Bill, dhak dhak karne laga,mora jiyara darne laga.." And Bill, brimming with thrill, rushed to open the door, opened it and then realised that he is the President.
So he paused and looked helplessly at her (like Ajay Devgan in "pyaar to hona hi tha") but Monica could hear Kumar Sanu’s song in the back ground "Jab kisi ki taraf Bill Jhukne lage, baat agar juban par rukne laga, bol do ke tumne pyar hone lage.." she was touched though he wasn’t touching her yet, and said,"Dil Bill, pyaar vyar main kya janoo re.."
The next minute, when he saw the glint in her eyes, He realised there was hope and he gazed into Monica’s eyes (like Bobby Deol in Kareeb, and sang "Chori chori jab Bill ne kaha, chori chori jab nazarein mili, chori mein bhi hai mazaa!"Then he pulled her into his office (thinking Amir Khan in Ghulam) "Aankhon se toone yehkya keh diya ?" he asked her softly. "Bill ye deewana machalne laga.." Monica picked the cue and replied. "Yeh kya hua, pehle to aisa hota na tha, mein hoon kahan main janoo na.." Bill closed the door of his office and turned to her with a mischevious smile-"Hum tum ek kamre mein bandh ho, aur chabi kho jaye.." The rest is History. But as something happened inside the oval office on that fateful day the security guards only heard AR Rahman’s full throated title "Bill se, Bill se, Bill se...Bill to akhir Bill hai na.."
-
One day a lady came in running into police station where santa singh was police inspector...
And she said "praji..praji gajab ho gaya"
Santa singh asked "bhenji ki ho gaya"
The lady replied "mere pati 6 din pehle gobi ki sabji lene bazaar gaye the, aur abhi tak woh nahi laute hain"
On that santa singh replied " koi gal nahin bhenji, tusi aur koi sabji bana lo".
-
At the dentists
The Smiths were shown into the dentist’s office, whereMr Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Smith turned to his wife "Show him , honey."
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A boy and his date...
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.
The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
"Why aren’t we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
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Laloo Yadavs car is driving along a back country road on the way back to Patna , when all of a sudden a small dog jumps out in front of the car. The dog dies on the spot. Laloo, upset, tells the chauffeur to go find the owner of the dog so that he can pay the damages.
The driver is gone for two hours and when he comes back, he has a bag full of money, and a wondering look on his face. Laloo wants to know what happened.
Driver: "After reaching the village when I told some villagers what had happened, they called all the villagers. I thought today I would get a beating. However they started collecting money. I thought they would compensate the owner of the animal. Instead, they happily gave all the money to me."
Laloo says, "Sasoor ka natee, Tell me properly... what did you tell them?" The driver replied, "Hum kaha ki hum Laloo Yadav ka driver hoon, aur hum kutte ka baccha maar diya hoon!" (I am Laloos driver. I have killed the son of a bitch)
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A company was going to hav a friendly "CRICKET" match with another company.
The bosses will b made the captains. one of the bosses goes home n has a conversation with his wife :-
Boss: I am very worried
Wife: Why what happened?
Boss: I have been made the captain for the cricket match
Wife: So what’s the problem??
Boss: I can’t play Cricket
Wife: Ohh!! Come on dear, this is India here it is understood that the captain doesnt know how to play!
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Secret attraction
A small and exceptionally homely man had just started putting on his underwear when his daughter opened the door & entered the room.
"Mommy !" she cried, pointing to her father’s disproportionately ample endowment. "What’s that ???" "Well, sweetheart," said the woman, "that’s your Daddy’s secret attraction. If it weren’t for that, you wouldn’t be here, nor for that matter would I."
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Shark attack
On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Island in his Popemobile when suddenly he noticed a frantic commotion just off shore.
There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President Bush, quickly fired a harpoon into the shark’s side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then, using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick, "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has all of God’s wisdom."
"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God’s wisdom, but he doesn’t know squat about Texas shark fishing... how’s the bait holding up?"
