Drinking jokes

IMPORTANT NEWS



A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

HAM & CHEESE



This man and this woman share a bunk bed with their son. The man and woman sleep on the top and the kid sleeps on the bottom. One night when the kid is asleep, the parents climb to their bed. The man says to the woman, "Say ham when you want it harder, say cheese when you want it softer."

All through the night the kid hears, "HAM, HAM, HAM, cheese, HAM, HAM, HAM, cheese!"

When the kid wakes up the next morning, he tells his mother, "Mommy, you got to stop making those ham and cheese sandwiches at night cause I end up getting mayonnaise all over me!"

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO YOUR DATES PARENTS



* "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."

* "Show me how you used to spank her."

* "Hi, I'm Hoopla69."

* "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"

* "I just got my license today."

* "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."

* "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."

* "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"

* "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"

* "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?"

DATE NIGHT



This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.

A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"

The guy, now perplexed, says, "Yes," and the two take off.

A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna go to the show. Can she go?"

The man, now kind of annoyed, says, "Yes." The two depart.

Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Chuck.."

The father shot him.

DO THE DISHES



Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word."

She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DISHES!!"

A DOSE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE



This woman is in labor. Everything is going fine, and suddenly the nurse exclaims, "I can see his head!"

Sure enough, the baby peeks out, but then he sees this nurse, gets scared, and ducks back in.

After a few moments, he pops his head out and looks around the room again. This time, he sees the doctor, gets scared, and ducks back in.

A few more minutes pass, and the baby reluctantly peeks out again. This time, he sees his father.

Suddenly, he reaches out and starts poking the father on his forehead and says, "How do you like that, asshole?!?"

REALITY



A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "Let's make a demonstration out of this. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

What Do You Have To Do?
"What do you have to do to become a doctor?" my six-year-old granddaughter once asked.

Her dad, seeing an opportunity, said, "You have to do extremely well in school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, make the highest grades possible, and then go to med school, and follow that with an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be."

Erin gave all this a moment's thought and then asked, "What do you have to do to be queen?"

Saving bank application
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy

We're Getting Closer
Our son, who's in the Army stationed in Georgia, invited my husband and me for a visit. After driving endlessly through unfamiliar streets in search of an entrance to Fort Stewart, my husband suddenly said, "We're getting closer."

"How do you know?" I asked.

He pointed to a sign that read, "Sonny's Bar-B-Q--TANK Parking Available."