Drinking jokes

Wedding dress
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

Getting separated
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."

Hangover
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.'

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bill asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

His son says, 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.'

Confused, Bill asks, 'So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'

His son replies, 'Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, 'Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!'

Gravy ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Julie said.

'Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure.'

So he sat down and wrote: 'Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.'

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle under her pillow by now. Love, Mom.

A bride
Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."

"Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her with you."

Mealtime blessing
My four-year-old likes to say the blessing at mealtimes, usually repeating the same short prayer: "Thank you, God, for this gracious food. Amen."

One evening, however, he thanked the Lord for the birds, the trees, each of his friends, and asked God to watch over his family and help them to be good. I was thrilled that he was finally praying from the heart.

But after the "Amen," he took a spoonful of stew, gasped, then dropped his spoon into the bowl. "I should have said a longer prayer," he said. "My food is still too hot."

Little Harry and the dog
Little Harry was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of Harry's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

Letter from father-in-law
Dear Marty,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too.

Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law.

P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery

Daddy can do ANYTHING!
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.

'You understand it now?' Mommy asks.

'Yes,' replies her daughter.

'Do you still have any questions?'

'Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?'

'In exactly the same way as with babies.'

'Wow!' the girl exclaims. 'My daddy can do ANYTHING!'

Three kids get into boasting about their dads
Three kids get into boasting about their dads.

'My dad is so fast that he can shoot an arrow and then run himself to catch the arrow!', said one of the kids.

'My dad is even faster - he can shoot a deer and run ahead of the bullet to catch it as it is coming out from the other side of the animal', said the second child.

'That's nothing. My dad is a civil servant. His off-time at his office is 4:30 P.M. but he is home at 3:30 P.M.!' said the third.