Drinking jokes

You're ugly
There was this lady that had to walk by a certain pet store on her way each day. One morning walking by a parrot in the window said, 'Hey lady.'

She replied, 'What?' The parrot said, 'You're ugly!'

This of course infuriated the lady. For an entire week this happened. 'Hey lady' the parrot would say and when she replied with 'What' The bird would always say 'You're ugly.'

Finally on Friday the lady couldn't take it anymore. She went inside and asked to speak to the store manager. She told the manager, 'Every day I walk by your store and that parrot calls me ugly. I am tired of it and I want it to stop right now!'

The store manager apologized and assured the lady that it would stop.

On Monday when she walked by, the parrot said, 'Hey lady' ever so kindly and polite and she replied, 'what?' And the parrot said, 'You know.'

How can I pay you back?
One day, a man on vacation got stranded on a deserted island. The only thing he saved was a piece of rope, a sheep and a dog.

Days went by and after a while, he was starting to dream about sex. After giving it some thought, he tied the sheep to a tree. The only problem was, every time he tried to get close to it, the dog would attack him.

The same thing kept happening until one day, the man heard a woman screaming. He rushed to the other side of the island and saw this beautiful woman about to drown.

He jumped into the water and dragged her to safety on the beach.

Once she got her breath back, she exclaimed, 'You saved my life! How can I pay you back?'

He replied quickly, 'Here, hold my dog for a moment!'

Danger! Beware of dog!
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Three ants
There were three ants. Ant one slept in the sink, ant two slept in the bathtub, and ant three slept in the toilet.

Ant one said "I slept fine".

Ant two said "I slept fine".

And ant three said "I slept fine, except first it thundered, then it rained, then a big log fell on my head."

Two vampire bats
Two vampire bats sitting in a cave, one turns to the other one and says "I am starving, just gonna pop out for something to eat."

The 2nd bat says "OK, I will join you in about 20 mins."

So off he goes, anyway 10 mins later the 1st bat comes back blood dripping from his mouth and from his teeth, 2nd bat says "Jesus man, that was quick, what happened there?"

1st bat says "Come here and I will show you", so they go to the edge of the cave and 1st bat says "see that tree there?" pointing into the woods.

2nd bat says "Well yes", 1st bat says "I didn't".

Two camels
Two camels (a mother and a baby) were lazing around, when suddenly baby camel said.

Baby: "Mother, mother, can I ask you some question?"
Mother: "Sure! why son, is there something bothering you?"

Baby: "Why do camel have humps?"
Mother: "Well son, we are desert animals, we need the humps to store water and we are known to survive without water."

Baby: "Okay, then why are our legs long and our feet rounded."
Mother:"Son, obviously they are meant for walking in the desert. You know with these legs I can move around the desert better than anyone", said the mother proudly.

Baby: "Okay," "then why are our eye lashes long? Sometimes, it is bothering my sight." said baby camel.
Mother: "My son, those long thick eye lashes are your protective cover. They help to protect your eyes from the desert sand and wind." Said mother camel with eyes brimming with pride.

Baby: "I see. So the hump is to store water when we are in the desert, the legs are for walking through the desert and these eye lashes protects my eyes from the desert. Then what the hell, are we doing here in a zoo???"

You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?
Don was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Brown Bear in the woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around and saw a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, "Don, you've got two choices, either I maul you to death or we have sex." Don decided to bend over.

He felt sore for two weeks, but Don soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge Grizzly Bear was standing right next to him. The Grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake Don. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex."

Again, Don thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it took several months before Don finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the Grizzly and shot it. He felt the sweet taste of revenge.

But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Don turned round to find a giant Polar Bear standing there. The Polar Bear said, "Admit it Don, you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?

Liver alone! Cheese mine!
Three male dogs encounter a beautiful female poodle and immediately fall in love. Well aware of her own charms and her effect on males, she announces, "I want a mate with brains, therefore I will only date the dog who creates an imaginative, intelligent sentence using the words, 'cheese' and 'liver.'"

The black Labrador retriever quickly responds, "I love cheese and liver."

"How childish," huffs the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the cocker spaniel who responds tentatively, "Uh, I hate cheese and liver?"

The poodle shows her disgust. "That's no better than the other sentence! What about you, Mr. Chihuahua?"

The tiny dog grins, turns to the other two males and says, "Liver alone! Cheese mine!"

Lion tamer
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

And the man said, "I was looking for my father."

Gorilla
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.

When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.

The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.

Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.