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Santa Singh was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He quickly rushed to the emergency room. The doctor there to told him, "Give me the fingers and Ill see what I can do".
Santa said, "But I dont have the fingers!"
"What! You dont have the fingers!?", said the doctor, "You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done like microsurgery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new."
Santa said, "But Doc, I couldnt pick them up."
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A policeman pulled a Surd over after he had been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Surd : No, but wherever it is, it must be bad ’cause all the people were leaving.
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AJIT SAYS: Mona Darling tum pauli ke sath shadi mat karna, warna tumara bhi monopauli ho jaya ga.
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Reasons to allow drinking in Workplace
1. It is an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you do not care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
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Q. How can you confuse a SARDAR ?
A. By asking him to find a corner in a round room.
Q. How can a SARDAR confuse you ?
A. By finding one.
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Why A Divorce?
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don’t want a divorce," she replied. "I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!"
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New Definitions
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and then leaves.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 0 adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
OHNO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. Like making the selection that reformats your hard drive.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
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Two Friends never planned to marry ’coz they heard much about the after marriage controversies between the partners. But due to internal pressure they both married.
After a long time, one day both of them met and asked each other about their life and whether they married or not.
Tensed both of them, first friend told the other" Yaar, kya bataoon, meri to raaton ki neend haram ho gayee. jab bhi bed room mein jaata hoon, meri biwi bolti hai- eh chal gear laga". The other much more tensed replied" Yeh to kuch bhi nahin, main to jab bhi bed room mein jaata hoon, meri biwi kehti hai" jaanu, ek litre petrol bharna."
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Dear Lord,
Every single evening
As I’m lying here in bed
This tiny little prayer
Keeps running through my head.
God bless my mom and dad,
And other family.
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they’re so close to me.
And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do.
Hope you don’t mind me asking,
Bless my computer too.
Now I know that it’s not normal
To bless a mother board,
But listen just a second
While I explain to you ’My Lord’.
You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds & ends
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my FRIENDS.
I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.
By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendship grew.
Please, take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless those in my address book
That’s filled with so much love!
Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each email inbox
And the person who hits send.
When you update your heavenly list
On your own CD-Rom
Remember each who’ve said this prayer
Sent up to God.com. Amen.
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The Pakistani Air Force recently purchased a fleet of Chinese fighter jets. They invited over a Chinese official and at a gathering, the Chinese guy says to the Pakis, "These planes are so simple, even you fools can use them".
The chief of the air force asks how its all done. The Chinese guy says, "OK. So easy! Press this button to go right. This button to go left, and this button to go up!"
The Paki Air Force Chief then asks, "So, how do you come down?"
The Chinese guy replies, "Oh, leave that to the Indian Air Force!"
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12 sardar 12 car mein 12 bajke 12 minute 12 second per 12ve gali mein 12ve cinema hall mein kaun si film dekhene gaya honge?
ANS: Ye Waqt Hamara Hai...
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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five Sikhs - two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver Santa Singh, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I dont understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You werent speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" Santa says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, Santa grinned and thanked theofficer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? these people seem awfully shaken and they havent muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, theyll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119." Said Santa.
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A Sardarji who is not confident of his English speaking ability is in a long Queue of customers at Singapore international airport canteen. He does not know how to order breakfast.
The queue moves forward and the person before the sardarji in the queue is at the counter. He orders "Tea and Tiffin".
The sardarji’s turn comes next and he orders "Coffee and Coffin".
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Sardar’s wife was in delivery pain.
But instead of taking her to the hospital, he took her to pizza hut!
Guess WHY ??
B’coz they promise "FREE DELIVERY"!!
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Three friends - two straight guys and a gay guy and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship, they all drowned.
They each had to come before St. Peter to be admitted into heaven. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can’t let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny!"
Then came the second straight guy... "Sorry, can’t let *you* in either," said St. Peter, "You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn’t look good, Dick..."
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Hypnosis
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self-hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.
However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes.
This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.
There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She’s not my wife... She’s not my wife...She’s not my wife..."
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Q: Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat?
A: Bachelors come home, check to see what’s in the fridge, and go to bed. ..Married men come home, check to see what’s in the bed, and go the fridge.
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Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, well jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You cant outrun a bear." The first guy says, "I dont have to outrun the *bear*... I only have to outrun *you.*"
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Some basic facts of life which applies to the Salaried People!!!
Bank Balance
First Week : 10000
Second Week : 1000
Third Week : 100
Fourth week : 10
Conveyance
First Week : Auto ("I can afford it")
Second Week : Share Auto ("I would like to share. I am selfless!")
Third Week : Bus ("Public figures should travel by public transport")
Fourth week : Walk ("Good for health")
Girl friends
First Week : Eena, Meena, Tina ("I can BUY love")
Second Week : Meena, Tina ("I have enough girl friends")
Third Week : Tina ("I am loyal to her")
Fourth week : "Huh! There is no pure love on earth!"
Mobile Maintenance
First Week : Frequent outgoing calls ("This is what mobile is invented for")
Second Week : Restricted o! utgoing calls ("I should not create unnecessary traffic on mobile lines")
Third Week : Rare outgoing calls ("Mobile should be used in urgent situations only")
Fourth week : Only incoming calls ("I am not going to call her until she calls me")
And last....but not the least...
Boozing
First Week : "Come, let’s go to Chennai and freak out!"
Second Week : "Man, there is nothing in Chennai. Let’s go to pondi."
Third Week : "The best place to booze on earth is our house itself. what
say?"
Fourth week : "Drinking is injurious to health"
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Ajit: Robert, in kutton ke saamne yeh Compooter laga do aur debugger istarrt kar do.
Robert: Lekin kyoon, baas?
Ajit: Saale Checkpoint mein atak jayenge.
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The speeding ticket
3 men were speeding down a highway. a cop pulled them over and said "i’ll let you off this time but next time i’ll have to give you a ticket" he next day they were speeding again and the same cop pulled them over and said "i have to give you a ticket, unless under one condition, all your penises equal up to 10 inches"
The first man’s penis was 5 he was very proud. the second man’s penis was 4. the third man’s penis was 1. the first man said "if it wasnt for me we would have got a ticket" the third man said "no, we were luckly, i was getting a hard-on"
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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure, In Africa they didn’t know what ’food’ meant, In India they didn’t know what ’honest’ meant, In Europe they didn’t know what ’shortage’ meant, In China they didn’t know what ’opinion’ meant, In the Middle East they didn’t know what ’solution’
meant, In South America they didn’t know what ’please’ meant, And in the USA they didn’t know what ’the rest of the world’ meant!!!
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A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn’t seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during sex, that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window
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7 Ways to Catch the LION.
1. Newton’s Method: Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion .
2. Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
3. Schrodinger Method: At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait.
4. Inverse Transformation Method: We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion is in and we are out.
5. Thermodynamic Procedure: We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows every thing to pass it except lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it.
6. Integration Differention Method: Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is some where in the result. So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion.
7. The Banta’s Method: DON’T EVEN TRY. YOU’LL GET CAUGHT BY THE LION.
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Interesting Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot! jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
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A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"Oh really? What’s it telling you now?" she inquires.
"Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
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A young girl and her mother were walking down a street when they passed a house with the curtains open and two people clearly having sex. The young girl says to her mother
"What are they doing mummy?"
Her mother replies
"They’re making cakes sweetheart"
That night the young girl goes downstairs to get a glass of water when she opens the living room door and sees her mum and dad having sex. Remembering what her mother had previously said about this particular activity she quite happily went back to bed.
The next day she says to her mum
" I saw you and dad making cakes last night"
Shocked her mother replies
"dont be silly you must have been dreaming"
To which the young girl replies, no mom I know you were making the cake coz today morning I have just licked the icing of the sofa.
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Random Joke
One day a lady came in running into police station where santa singh was police inspector...
And she said "praji..praji gajab ho gaya"
Santa singh asked "bhenji ki ho gaya"
The lady replied "mere pati 6 din pehle gobi ki sabji lene bazaar gaye the, aur abhi tak woh nahi laute hain"
On that santa singh replied " koi gal nahin bhenji, tusi aur koi sabji bana lo".
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How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini
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There are three engineers in a car, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three
engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"
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maine usse dekha "abla" samajh kar
maine usse dekha "abla" samajh kar
uske baap ne mara mujhe peta "thabla" samajh kar
door se dekha tho abla baal bana rahi thi
door se dekha tho abla baal bana rahi thi
paas jaake dekho tho bhains ki poonch hil rahi thi
maine usse dekha "angle" badhal kar
maine usse dekha "angle" badhal kar
uske baap ne mara mujhe "sandal" badhal badhal kar
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Santa Singh sees lot of guys running on the highway. He asks a bystander why all of the guys were running.
The man answers: "Theyre all running in the marathon race."
Santa Singh: "What do they get from that?"
The man : "The winner will get a prize!"
Santa Singh: "Then why are the others running?"
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Business Partners
These three men went into business together and the first one said, "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I’m the president and chairman of the board."
"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I’m appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."
"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What’s that make me?"
The chairman said, "I’m appointing you vice president of sex and music."
"That sounds mighty fine," said Banta, "but what does it mean?"
"It means that when I want your fucking advice, I’ll whistle."
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GOD NEVER MAKES A MISTAKE
After God created the world, he created people, us. He made every country with 2 special talents:
German: Good with language and respectful
Italian: Good with food and dancing
French: Good with accent and dressing
China: Good with population and travel
America: Good with Honesty, Political and Smartness!
Well, an angel goes to God and says "That’s not fair, America has 3 special talent!" "You’re right, hmmm. I’ll have the Americans be two of the following, not three."
So now American:
Who are Political and Honest, are not smart.
Who are Smart and Honest are not political.
Who are Smart and Political are not honest.
After all, God never makes a mistake.
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How much Salary!
Bill Clinton was interviewing some candidates for personal secretary.
Monica Lewinski also comes there for the interview, the moment she enters Bill’s eyes roll about her, he asks her a few question, and later ask’s her how much would she like her salary per month.
Monica Lewinski replies $10,000 per month.
Bill say "No, Problem with Pleasure!"
To that Monica replies "with Pleasure 20,000 dollars Sir!"
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Hand Jobs & Cheese!
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00
Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill. He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"
The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
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WIFE: I demand as good manners in bed, as at the dining table.
HUSBAND(on bed): Ok dear, can you pass me your boobs please?
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Jogi Singh was making a documentary on Indian tribes. For this, he went to the deep jungles for the details. One day, Jogi Singh was walking along with two tribals in the jungle, when, all of a sudden, one of the tribal took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave.
The tribal stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave. Jogi Singh was puzzled and asked the other tribal what that was all about, was that person mad or something. "No", said the other tribal.
"It is mating time for us tribals and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.
Well, just about that time, the other tribal saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.
Jogi Singh started running around the forest looking for a cave to find these women that the tribals had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It’s bigger then the ones that those tribals found.
There must really be something really great in this cave!" Well... he took-off up the hill with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and ollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.
The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, "NAKED SARDARJI RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN CROSSING A TUNNEL"!!!!!!
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IT IS ALWAYS GUYS WHO ARE ROMANTIC! AND GIRLS ALWAYS PUT THEM DOWN!!
HE: I’m a photographer.i’ve been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I’m a plastic surgeon.i’ve been looking for a face like yours!!
HE: Hi! didn’t we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must’ve been once.i never make the same mistake twice!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I’d like to have some pleasure too!!
HE:How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must’ve been given your share!!
HE: Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE:It’s hot!!
HE: I’d go to the ends of the world for you!
SHE: Okay, but would you stay there?
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I’m having a headache this weekend!!
HE: Go on, don’t be shy.Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: How, are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don’t you already have one?
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Top 20 Reasons E-Mail is Better than Sex
1) E-mails last as long as you want them to.
2) You can e-mail a complete stranger without getting arrested.
3) Big e-mails don’t hurt; little ones can satisfy.
4) You can e-mail people in public without getting funny looks.
5) You can e-mail somebody on the other side of the world.
6) You can e-mail people of either or both genders without being considered perverted.
7) You can turn a computer on without having to wear clothes that might make you catch pneumonia.
8) If you e-mail somebody once then don’t get in touch again you won’t feel too guilty about it.
9) People who e-mail a lot of different people in a short time don’t get called horrid names.
10) You can e-mail somebody who doesn’t want anything to do with you and they can’t put you in prison for it.
11) Nobody makes any big thing of the first time you e-mail somebody.
12) Using your fingers to e-mail isn’t considered vaguely disgusting.
13) You can talk loudly about e-mailing in front of your auntie and she won’t be distressed.
14) You can e-mail close relatives and nobody will really bother about it.
15) E-mail can’t get you pregnant.
16) Or give you nasty diseases.
17) You can e-mail somebody at any time of the month.
18) If you get a nasty e-mail you won’t need counselling afterwards.
19) After you’ve used a computer to e-mail, it won’t hassle you for coffee.
20) If somebody interrupts you while you’re e-mailing, you feel neither embarrassed nor frustrated.
