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Canadian salesman
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some a**hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"Seriously??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
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Ulterior motive
My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free newspapers for his customers.
As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers."
Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled. "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."
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Largest shirt
A man who was buying a sports shirt found the largest size too snug.
"Where do I go from here?" he asked the svelte young woman who was helping him.
"To the gym," she replied.
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The hero
Our hero chatting with some heroin on chat.
Both are s/w engrs by the way and both work for real big MNC's
Hero: Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?
Heroin: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat
Hero: wow...am honored, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat
Heroin: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.
Hero: OK
(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)
Manager: Hey, I need some help from you
Hero: [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me
Manager: Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?
Hero: I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.
Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]
(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for heroin to Arrive.
All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)
Heroin: Hey, am back
Hero: cool, you know what my manager does, he's kinda..... keeps asking stupid Things, tries to give me stupid work
Heroin: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!
Hero: Yep, u rite!!
Heroin: Hey, can u do me a favor
Hero: *smiles* sure, why not.
Heroin: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real urgent for me to work this out.
Hero: hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now.ok?
Heroin: THAT WAS THE SAMETHING I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. YOU KNOW WHO IAM NOW!! YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!!
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Four year old suit
A man who isn't qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits.
Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.
Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.
The owner replies, "Yah, I know. That's my way of getting rid of that pest!"
Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.
The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it.
Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.
"Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit. But tell me, what in the world happened to you?"
"Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it... said it fitted him great. As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!"
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Lightbulb
Two men working in a factory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said.
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Dollar 10
The proprietor of a successful optical shop was instructing his son on how to charge a customer.
'After you have fitted the customer's glasses,' he said, 'and he asks you what the charge will be, you say, '$10.' Then see if he winces.
'If the customer doesn't wince you say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be another $10.'
'If he still doesn't wince you say firmly, 'Each.'
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The genie
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
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Wealth, wisdom, or beauty
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. 'Done!' says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers to him, 'Say something.'
The dean sighs and says, 'I should have taken the money.'
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Technician and his General Manager
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"
