Drinking jokes

Balance
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance. She leaned over and pushed me!

Musical director
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Census taker
A census taker knocked on a lady's door.

She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.

"Certainly." he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped.

"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

Coffeepot
At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladie's room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup.

I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door. "You win," it read. "Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."

6 suspected terrorists
We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Playin, and Bin Lunchin have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are obviously not a suspect at this time.

Digging hole
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.

The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Joe's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

Five cannibals
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, 'You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees.' The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, 'You're all workin very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?'

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, 'Which of you idiots ate the janitor?'

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, 'You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!'

Restroom Use Policy
FROM: OPERATIONS

SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.

Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.

If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.

Skills
"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think may be worth mentioning?"

"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel."

"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."

Mrs Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."

First day of work
A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said, 'Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store.'

'But I'm a college graduate,' the young man replied indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that,' said the manager. 'Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how.'