Drinking jokes

Responsible
The stern faced Personnel Officer told an applicant that they needed an individual who is totally responsible.

"I sure qualify then." replied the applicant.

"Everywhere I've worked, whenever something went wrong, I was responsible."

Young guy from Gujarat
Young guy from Gujarat (India) moves to California and goes to a big department shopping complex looking for a job.

The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Gujuboy says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in Surat."

Well, the boss liked the Indian Boy so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down."How many sales did you make today?"

Gujuboy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."

The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for ?"

Gujuboy says: "$101,237.64"

Boss says: "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Guju boy says: Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.

Then I sell him medium fishhook.

Then I sell him large fishhook.

Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.

Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer. I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about a $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"

Gujuboy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said: Well, your weekend's screwed, you might just as well go fishing."

Interview
Interviewer: "Do you think you can handle a variety of tasks?"

Applicant: "I should say so. I've had nine totally different jobs in the past five months."

Boat race
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile!

The American team was discouraged by the loss. The morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend the corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 steering. The American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. After one year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. (Sound familiar?)

The new structure: Four steering managers, three area steering supervisors, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat, to provide a work incentive. That year, the Japanese won by two miles!!!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem!!!

Installing telephone poles
A group of redheads and a group of blondes heard that the telephone company was looking for people, so they went and applied. The telephone company decided to give them a test before hiring anyone so they sent the teams out to install telephone poles.

At the end of the day they reported back on how they had done. The team of redheads had installed 10 telephone poles and the team of blondes, one. The redheads were hired but the blonde team protested that the redheads had cheated because they left most of the poles sticking out of the ground.

The wedding ring
A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

Village Blacksmith
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours.

The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

Management Principles
When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend they talk about football.

When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.

Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that moment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

'Good day, how may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, she asks, 'Sir, how much does this rug cost?'

He answers, 'Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in your pants when you hear what the price is.'

Ugly suit
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double- breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."