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Pondering
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when
you still have something on the ball but you are just too
tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it
"Pumping Rust"
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles
out of my face.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . .
they were cramming for their finals.
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say,
"Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's
for company:" LOL!!
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps
toothpicks? (no offense k? )
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified
in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good
Doctor.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't
they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much . . . Just
look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a
Cadillac.
If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?
I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty
more ribs where you came from:"
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Quick quiz for the Gentleman
1. In the company of feminists, sexual intercourse should be referred to as:
a. Lovemaking b. Screwing c. The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only
after you've shared:
a. Your views about what each of you expect from a sexual relationship
b. Your blood test results c. Five tequila slammers
3. You should time your orgasm so that: a. Your partner climaxes first
b. You climax simultaneously c. You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a. Healthy, creative love-play
b. Not something your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c. Not something your wife/girlfriend should ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a. The best part of the experience
b. The second best part of the experience
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is: a. No concern of yours
b. You thought she was a little too skinny anyways
c. a really conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: a. A myth b. An oxymoron
c. A moron8. Foreplay is to sex as: a. Appetizer is to entree
b. Priming is to painting c. A line is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find
yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a. "I hope we can still be friends."
b. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message after the tone...."
c. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population: you."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope
with that sort of intimacy b. Is uptight and a waste of time
c. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make
sure you really are a man.
If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check yourself into
therapy.... you're still a little confused.
If you answered "c" more than 7 times, call me up....Let's godrinking.
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Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0
and found that it's now a memory hog leaving very little system
resources for other applications.
He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable
resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was
included in the product brochure or the documentation, though
other users have informed him that this is to be expected due
to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always
launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other
system activity. He's finding that some applications such
as PokerNight 10.3, Beerbash 2.5, and Pubnight 7.0 are no
longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system
when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation
of undesired plugins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw
Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish
with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0
- A "Don't remind me again" button.
- A Minimize button.
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed
with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of
cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode
which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more
useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated
with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however,
I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend
2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0
first.
Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have
been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have
conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.
You'd think they would have fixed that stupid bug by now.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend
1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the
application in the system.
Another thing that sucks - all versions of Girlfriend continually
popup little annoying messages about the advantages of
upgrading to Wife 1.0.
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---BUG WARNING------
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install
Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete
MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress
1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources
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BUG WORKAROUNDS ------
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a
different system and never run any file transfer applications
such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware
applications that have been known to carry viruses that may
affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0
via a Usenet provider under an anonymous name. Here again,
beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded
from the Usenet.
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"Don't Hurt Mommy"....
Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took his
wife upstairs for sex. Just when they were really getting into it,
their young son entered the room and started to cry.
"What's wrong, son?" the father asked. "Why are you crying?"
"You're hurting my mommy," the little boy replied.
"No, no," the father reassured.
"I'm not hurting her. We are making babies."
This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the couple
went back to their business.
The next day the father came home from work and found his son on
the steps, crying.
"What's the matter NOW?" asked Dad.
"It's those babies you were making with mommy yesterday,"
the boy answered. "The mailman is upstairs eating them."
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"The Mower"....
> A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he
came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want
for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little
boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you
take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the
bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the
string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher
called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get
it
started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has
been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on =
that
string. It'll come back to ya!"
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"Asshole"....
Olaf died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue
needed
someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends Swen and
Lars to
come and try to I.D. the body.
Swen went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet and Swen said
"Yaa,
he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Swen looked at his ass and said
"No
dat
ain't Olaf."
The mortician didn't say any thing but thought that was kind of
strange.
>Then he brought in Lars to I.D. the body and Lars looked at him and
said
"Yaa he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Lars looked down at his ass and said
"No dat ain't Olaf."
The mortician said "How can you tell?"
Lars said "Well Olaf had two assholes."
"What? he had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yaa, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three
of us
went to town everyone would say "Here comes Olaf with them two =
assholes!"
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THE $10 BET....
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind
the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man
guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the
bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then
you get all of the money."
Man: "What are the three tests?"
Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules. So the guy gives him the
ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills.
Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink
that
whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't
make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out
back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm
in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I
won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila
and they get crazier from there.
Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar." Well, as
time
goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He
grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big
slurp.
Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge
scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and
eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead,
he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all
over his body.
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The top 10 things you'll never hear a man say:
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again,
but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt?
That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
5. Why don't you go to the mall with me
and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
4. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
3. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
2. We never talk anymore.
1. Yes, you may date my daughter.
