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The top 10 things you'll never hear a woman say:
10. What do you mean "today's our anniversary"?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical?
I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions,
I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale,
300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
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101 Things NOT To Say During Sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked !
2. You woke me up for that ?
3. Did I mention the video camera ?
4. Do you smell something burning ?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone !
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right ? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour !
13. Can you please pass me the remote control ?
14. Do you accept Visa ?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend !
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay ?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo !
22. Do you get any premium movie channels ?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya !
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin ?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera !
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs !
29. I want a baby !
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies !
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work ?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting ?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good ?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs !
37. You're good enough to do this for a living !
38. Is that blood on the headboard ?
39. Did I remember to take my pill ?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere ?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed !
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries !
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed ?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself !
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate !
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex !
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape ?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten tomatoes ?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion !
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun ?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon ?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction ?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner !
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast ?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home !
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times ?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child ?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture ?
69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you ?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation ?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something !
72. Did you come yet, dear ?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time !
75. Does this count as a date ?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you !
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you ?
79. Q: You can cook, too right ? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction" ?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls ?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light ?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes !
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it !
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash !
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer !
95. Is this a sin too ?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain !
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn ?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there" ?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date ?
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Title: Unknown
I know that time can never change
the love I have for you.....
Except to make it deeper still
with everything we do......
In all my dreams of coming years,
you play the greatest part,
For I know that time will never
change the love within my heart.
Love is the beauty in everyday things
the comfort in a touch,
the warmth in a home,
the joy in a memory
the pleasure in dreams of tomorrow.
Somewhere there waiteth in this world of ours
For one lone soul another lonely soul,
Each choosing each through all the weary hours
And meeting strangely at one sudden goal.
Then bend they, like green leaves with golden flowers,
Into one beautiful and perfect whole;
And life's long night is ended, and the way
Lies open onward to external day.
The night had a thousand eyes,
And the day but one;
Yet the light of the bright world dies
With the dying sun.
The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one;
Yet the light of a whole life dies
When love is done.
Author: Unknown
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A ROSE
The red rose whispers of passion,
And the white rose breathes of love;
O, the red rose is a falcon,
And the white rose is a dove.
But I send you a cream-white rosebud
With a flush on its petal tips;
For the love that is purest and sweetest
Has a kiss of desire on the lips.
Author: Unknown
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FROM THE HEART
I wanted to make you smile
I could of said I'll die for you
Or walk a thousand miles
That may sound poetic
But never really sincere
It's hard to put into words
What I feel "in here"
"In here" is where you are
You've been there from the start
You alone and no one else
Buried deep inside my heart.
Author: Unknown
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SHE WALKS IN BEAUTY
She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!
Author: Lord Byron
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ASSAULT OF THE DREAM
Of all the moments we in our hearts desire,
Surely it's of this that we most dream:
To bare our arms while covert eyes inquire
What passions are revealed within their gleam.
To touch, to hold, here more than arms embrace
For caresses gently gesture, "Guards, dismissed!"
And silent lips accept with trembling grace
This sweet surrender, signaled by a kiss.
Author: Gary Boone ©
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'M FALLING IN LOVE
Every time I see your face and I hear your voice,
It stirs up feelings inside that I've never felt before.
Was it the words you said that made me feel this way?
Maybe it was the touch of your hand and the smile on your face.
I think I'm falling in love with you.
Is this love that I'm feeling inside?
Is this love that is burning my heart,
And keeping me up at night.
Oh, Lord, I don't even know what to do.
I think I'm falling in love with you.
I always lose control when your by my side.
You have become the light of my life.
I always enjoy the time I spend with you.
Because nothing makes me feel the way you do.
I think I'm falling in love with you.
You are my best friend and my only true love.
I'm sure that you were sent from heaven above.
Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.
And our future is beginning to look so bright.
I think I'm falling in love with you.
Authur:Unknown
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Title:Unknown
Tonight I looked up at the stars,
And I wondered where you are.
Tonight I gazed upon the moon,
In hopes that I would see you soon.
Tonight I've been thinking of you,
Have you been thinking about me, too?
Tonight my heart is full of fear,
'Cause you are there and I am here.
Tonight I will have a dream,
And all too real it will seem.
Tonight you'll look oh so fine,
But It will all be in my mind.
Tonight you won't even know,
That I still love you so.
I cannot caress your soft skin,
Or run my fingers through your hair.
For it's only your picture I see,
An image is all that's there.
I can admire your beauty,
To which I must stare.
Your chin, your mouth, your nose and eyes,
All add to a face so fair.
I hope that you can accept,
How much I really care.
A person who loves you more,
You shan't find anywhere.
Down the road, I see a day,
When my feelings we'll both share.
'Cause the way I feel without you,
I can only so long bare.
Authur:Unknown
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The Condoms
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have
sex for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist
helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is
to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks
the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10 pack, or
family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he
will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents. Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girls parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
passes, and the boy is still in deep prayer with his head down. 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20
minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist..."
