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To cook a turkey
This recipe is perfect for those people who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED Turkey
6-7 lb. Turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan in the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows out the oven door and flies across the room, the turkey is done.
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Christmas Fruitcake Recipe
Items Needed:
-------------
4 Oz. Fruit Bits
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallot
Safety Goggles
WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children: Get help from an
adult!)
Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie.
The resulting
block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of
bread.
Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block
with your rubber
mallot. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with
an ugly fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease
into that mallot!
Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie,
so you can't
break anything.
For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by
setting them on
top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on
HIGH for 30
minutes).
Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and give your
loved ones the
timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake!
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Elephant Stew
Serves: about 380 people.
Ingredients:
Amount Measure Ingredient -- Preparation Method
-------- ------------ --------------------------------
1 large Elephant
Salt and pepper to taste.
2 medium Rabbits.(optional)
Preparation:
Cut up Elephant into bite size pieces.(Takes about 2 Months)
Add brown gravy to cover.
Cook about four weeks at 465 degrees over a hot fire.
Special Note:
For larger groups,add 2 Rabbits, but only if necessary as most people don't like to find hare in their stew.
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How to Bake a Cake with a Baby in the House
Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
Remove blocks and toy autos from table.
Grease pan, crack nuts.
Measure two cups flour;
Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
Remeasure flour.
Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
Get another bowl.
Answer doorbell.
Return to kitchen.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Wash baby.
Answer phone.
Return.
Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
Look for baby.
Grease another pan.
Answer telephone.
Return to kitchen and find baby.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
Call baker.
Lie down.
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The Best Fruit Cake Ever
1 cup butter 1 tsp salt
1 cup sugar Lemon juice
4 large eggs 1 cup brown sugar
1 cup dried fruit 1 cup nuts
1 tsp baking powder 1 tsp baking soda
1 or 2 quarts whiskey
Before you start, sample the whiskey for quality. Good, isn't it? Now, go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the whiskey again, as it must be just right. To be sure the whiskey is of the highest quality, pour one level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat... With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the whiskey is of the highest quality. Dry another tup. Open second quart if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat until high. If druit gets buck in steaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey again, checking for tonscicticity. Next, sift 3 cups of salt or anything, it really doesn't matter. Sample the whiskey. Sift 1/2 pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find, and wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the whiskey, again, and bo to ged.
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Mom's Brownie Recipe
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Billy "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Billy and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
Frosting
Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Billy had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Billy in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
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Recipe for a Joyous Holiday Meal from the Alternative Gourmet
Whole Roasted Reindeer with Christmas Elf Stuffing
This recipe has been around for many years in many fashions but in recent years for some reason has fallen out of favor. Here we shall return to a true classic dish of alternative fine dining. The list of ingredients is as follows:
1 reindeer, appx. 125-175 lbs., skinned, dressed (though not in a tux; ha, ha) and head mounted if you so desire.
6-9 Christmas elves cleaned and finely diced, appx. 8 lbs. useable weight.
8 lbs. celery, finely chopped.
8 lbs. onions, finely chopped.
8 lbs. carrots, finely diced.
1 gallon vodka to numb the elves before you peel them and dice them.
32 lbs. dry bread crumbs.
3 gallons chicken stock.
salt, pepper, to taste.
Fresh garlic, 1-6 lbs. as you desire.
3-4 gallons of olive oil for basting the roasting reindeer.
Saute' the onions, carrots, and celery ina large pan, using some olive oil, until tender.
Brown the diced elvesin the same pan until lightly browned.
Mix the vegetables, elves, bread crumbs, and the chicken stock, season to taste with pepper, salt and garlic to taste.
Stuff the dressing in the reindeer, then sew the deer shut.
As for roasting the whole reindeer; it is usually difficult to find an oven large enough to do the job. So you will have to be creative. My personal favorite is to prop the reindeer up on a neighbor kids wagon. Then roll the whole shebang into the local grouches garage and set fire to the garage. If you can keep the local fire department at bay for 3-4 hours the reindeer will be perfectly done.
This recipe will serve 175-225 hearty alternatively inclined diners.
P.S. Never hunt elves in the same area each year. They have long memories for such little beasties and they won't fall for the vodka trick twice in two years.
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Chocolate Layer Cake 1040
Line 1.
Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.)
Line 2.
Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.
Line 3.
Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.
Line 4.
Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551.
Line 5a.
Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional.
Line 5b.
Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups.
Line 5c.
Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour.
Line 6.
Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions.
Line 7.
Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt.
Line 8.
Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q.
Line 8a.
Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions.
Line 9.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.)
Line 10.
Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m "For the Birds."
Line 11.
Add vanilla.
Line 12.
In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder.
Line 13.
Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a).
Line 14.
Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9x13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9x13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings. Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, "Fresh Fruit Desserts."
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Best Ever Rum Cake
1 or 2 qts rum
1 tsp. sugar
2 c. dried fruit
1 tsp. soda
Brown sugar
1 c. butter
2 lrg. eggs
Baking powder
Lemon juice
Nuts
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good isn't it! Now go ahead, select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of highest quality, pour 1 level cup of rum into glass and drink as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add a seaspoon of tugar and beat again. Try snother cup. Open second bottle if necessary.
Add two orge laggs, 2 cups fried druit, and beat until high. If the druit gets stuck in the beater, just pry it loose with a srewumdriver. Sample the rum agin, checking for toncestcity. Next sift 3 cups baking powder, a pinch or rum, a steaspoon of toda, and a cup of salt or pepper (it really doesn't matter). Shample the bum agian. Sift 9/2 pints of lemin juice.
Fold in schlopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bablespoon of brown sugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease the oven and turn turn cake pan to 300 gredees. Schmeells goo. (ead you hartout Aunt B!)
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Waiter Jokes
Waiter, there's a flea in my soup!
I'll tell him to hop it.
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir.
Waiter, my plate's wet!
That's not wet, sir - that's the soup!
Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this disgusting meal.
I afraid you'll have to wait, sir. He's just popped out for his dinner.
Waiter, do you call this a three-course meal?
That's right, sir. Two chips and a pea.
Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
So why don't you laugh?
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
Waiter, there's a bird in my soup.
That's all right, sir. It's bird's nest soup.
Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Well, keep quiet about it or everyone will want one...
Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.
Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
Then that must be tea, sir. The coffee tastes like glue.
Waiter, this coffee is way too strong!
Don't complain, sir. You may be old and weak yourself some day.
Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.
Waiter, your thumb's in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not hot.
Waiter, what's this in my soup?
I'm not sure, sir, I can't tell one bug from another.
Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir - we serve anyone.
Waiter, have you got asparagus?
We don't serve sparrers and my name is not Gus!
Waiter, why have you given me my dinner in a feedbag?
The head waiter says you eat like a horse.
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
Waiter, this bun tastes of soap.
That's right, sir - it's a bathbun.
Waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere.
Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather.
I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.
Waiter, if this is place then I'm an idiot.
You're right, sir - it *is* the place.
Waiter, I think I'd like a little game.
Draughts or tiddlywinks, sir?
Waiter, is this all you've got to eat?
No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home.
Waiter, I'll have soup and fish.
I'd have the fish first if I were you, sir, it's just on the turn.
Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
I'm doing my best, sir.
Waiter, bring me tea without milk.
We haven't any milk, sir. How about tea without cream?
Waiter, how long will my sausages be?
Oh, about three or four inches if you're lucky.
Waiter, this egg tastes rather strong.
Never mind, sir, the tea's nice and weak.
Waiter, I'll have a chop; no - make that a steak.
I'm a waiter, sir; not a flopping magician!
Waiter, I asked for bread with my dinner.
It's in the sausages, sir.
Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup.
Yes sir, that's because we've run out of flies.
Waiter, there is a fly in my salad.
I'm sorry sir, I didn't know that you are vegetarian.
Waiter, where is my honey?
She left last week, sir.
Waiter, there's a hair my honey.
It must have dropped off the comb, sir!
Waiter, that dog's just run off with my roast lamb!
Yes, it's very popular, sir.
Waiter, this bread's got sand in it.
That's to stop the butter slipping off, sir.
Waiter, there's a button in my soup.
Oh, thank-you, sir. I've been looking for that everywhere.
Waiter, there's no chicken in this chicken pie.
So what? You don't get dog in a dog biscuit, do you?
Waiter, there's a worm on my plate.
That's your sausage, sir.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
That's all right, sir, he won't drink much.
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup?
I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune-teller.
Waiter, there's a beetle in my soup; send the manager here.
That won't do any good, sir - he's frightened of them as well!
Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop?
Can't you tell by the taste?
No, I can't
Then what does it matter?
Waiter, in future I'd like my soup without.
Without what, sir?
Without your thumb in it!
Waiter, bring me a glass of milk and a Dover sole.
Fillet?
Yes, to the brim.
Waiter, I'll pay my bill now.
This $10 note is bad, sir.
So was the meal.
Waiter, there's a fly in my butter.
No there isn't.
I tell you there is a fly in my butter!
And I tell you there isn't; it isn't a fly, it's a moth and it isn't butter, it's margarine - so there!
Waiter, how long have you been here?
Six months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.
Waiter, I can't eat this!
Why not sir?
You haven't given me a knife and fork.
Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.
I expect he's been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!
Waiter, have you got frogs' legs?
Certainly , sir.
Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak!
Waiter, does the pianist play requests?
Yes, sir.
Then ask him to play tiddlywinks till I've finished my meal.
Waiter, my bill please.
How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.
Waiter, bring me a fried egg with finger-marks in it, some luke-warm greasy chips and a portion of watery cabbage.
We don't do food like that, sir!
You did yesterday..
Customer: I'll have some lamb chops and make them lean.
Waiter: Forward or backward, sir?
Waiter, what do you call this?
Cottage pie, sir.
Well, I've just bitten on a piece of the door.
Waiter, what do you call this?
That's been soup, sir.
I don't care what it's been, what is it now?
Waiter, I'll have the pie, please.
Anything with it, sir?
If it's anything like last time I'd better have a hammer and chisel.
Waiter, I'll have my bill now.
How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just move the potato and there it was.
Waiter, Waiter, is this a fly in my soup?
Quite possibly, sir. The chef used to be a tailor.
Waiter, Waiter, is this a hair in my soup?
Why, of course sir. That's rabbit stew!
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
I had lunch in a Chinese restaurant the other day, but the chicken was terrible. So I called the waiter over and I said, "This chicken is rubbery."
And the waiter said, "Thank you berry much!"
"Waiter, waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!".
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?
1st customer: I'll have tea.
2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?
