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Want to go out?
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
Cut off my dog's tail
Bert took his dog to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
Letter from a college student
Dear folks,
I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.
Your son, Marvin.
P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late."
A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!"
The elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
Discuss the use of the car
A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car. Again they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed since you haven't got your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus himself had long hair."
To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
This is the truth
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."
"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
I know the whole truth
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
Just like mommy
A two and a half year old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you mommy!" she announced.
"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.
"No Mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."
Daddy
The policeman was walking his beat when he saw two men fighting and a little boy standing alongside them crying, "Daddy, Daddy!"
The officer pulled the two men apart and, turning to the boy, asked, "Which one is your father, lad?"
"I don't know," the boy said, rubbing tears from his eyes. "That's what they're fighting about!"
There is a hell
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told er mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
A.I.D.'s clinic
The father of a lovely 18-year-old was very upset when he learned that she had hitchhiked from college in Seattle to San Diego.
"Why, you could have been killed or raped," he said.
"I was perfectly safe Daddy." the girl replied. "Every time a man picked me up, I told him I was on the way to the best A.I.D.'s clinic on the Coast."
Sitting on daddy's lap
Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
A man was driving home from work one evening whenhe suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift. So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture.
Adam's suit
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"
The Dog
The deliveryman looked over the gate towards the house which was his package's destination, and saw a large and aggressive-looking dog on the lawn, staring at him. There was also a woman looking at him from an open first-floor window. He shouted to the woman, "Is your dog friendly?" She said, "Yes." So the deliveryman opened the gate, and was promptly savaged by the dog.
When he had been rescued from the dog, the deliveryman angrily said to the woman, "I thought you said your dog was friendly!"
"He is," said the woman, "but that's not my dog."
Sensationalism
A man sees a woman getting chased by a dog. When the dog is about to bite the woman, the man intervenes and kicks the dog far away. A texan reporter was witnessing the brave act of the man.
Reporter thought this would make great news, and he must publish this in his newspaper before competitor knows. He put to gather the headline to read:
"LOCAL HERO SAVES A PRETTY LADY FROM A DOG"
He started interviewing the man. The man replied, "Thank you, but I am not from this city. I am a visitor from New York."
Reporter thought in that case the headline will change to:
"A TOURIST SAVES A TEXAN PRETTY WOMAN FROM A DOG".
The man clarified, "Sir, actually, I visit here often for business but I am not a tourist, I am a long time green card holder immigrant Syrian national."
Next day, the headline in the paper read:
"A TERRORIST ATTACKS A LOCAL AMERICAN DOG."
Dogs and Cats, Who Needs a Man?
If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.
If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.
If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.
If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog.
If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog.
If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!
On the other hand... If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and come home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that He's happy... Get a CAT!
Bald Parrot
A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The Parrot, being a male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbor turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act.
The next door neighbor knock on the door and explain what the Parrot has been doing. The owners of the parrot reprimand him and tell him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave the parrots head.
That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws his neighbor turkeys again. The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head.
The following morning is the Farmer's daughters wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot, they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church.
The parrot is doing fine. "Groom's side to the left and Bride's side to the right". The two bald guys walk in and the parrot says, "And you two Turkey-screwing pals, up on the piano with me!!!"
Smart Dogs
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.
Clever Rabbit
A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn't right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes.
The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.
The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazement. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.
It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.
Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, "I wish that that bear is gay."
The Cat's Diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
The Cat's Diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
The Burglar
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
The Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
Dogs And Men
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Pet Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Gorilla Catcher
One day a frightened homeowner called the zoo and said, " There's a huge gorilla in my tree in the front yard!".
The zoo keeper new of the escape and had already prepared for the capture. The zoo keeper arrived in no time flat.
He said to the homeowner, " Stay calm. I know what to do, but I need your help." With that he went to his van and retrieved the gorilla capturing tools: one pair of handcuffs, 45 automatic handgun, and a German shepherd named ROSCO.
The zoo keeper said to the homeowner," I'm going to climb up the tree and shake that gorilla down. When he falls, ROSCO will bite him in the balls. The gorilla will grab for his balls, and you handcuff him."
He then starts to climb up the tree when the homeowner yells up to him," what do I do with the gun?" The zoo keeper yells back down," If the gorilla shakes me out the tree, SHOOT ROSCO!!"
Golden Frog
A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods when they come across a golden frog. They think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he is a magical frog, and doesn't often meet other residents of the forest, but when he does, he grants them three wishes each.
The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female. The frog immediately grants this wish. The rabbit, after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his head.
The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish. He asks that all the bears in the neighboring forests be female as well. This wish is also fulfilled. The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle. It appears before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine.
The bear cannot believe it. He remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes. Then, shaking his head, he makes his final wish, "I wish that all the other bears in the world be female as well." The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish.
The rabbit thinks for a second, then revs up the engine and says, "I wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can!
The lion
In the poor zoo of India, a lion was so much frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day. The lion thought it's prayers were answered when one of Saudi Arabia Zoo Manager visits the zoo and requests the zoo management to shift the lion to the Sauid Arabia Zoo.
The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c environment, a goat or two every day and a Saudia residence permit also. On it's first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast. The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few peanuts. Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India.
The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of peanuts was delivered. The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him, "Don't you know I am the lion...king of the Jungle..., what's wrong with your management? what nonsense is this? why are you delivering peanuts to me?" The delivery boy politely said, "Sir, I know you are the king of the jungle but ...err... did you know that you have been brought here on a " monkey's visa.
Snails picnic
A family of snails head off for a Thanks- giving picnic. Two weeks later they arrive at a picturesque location beside a river with trees all around.
As little Johnny snail and his sister Clancy play, mother snail sets up the picnic table, and realizes she has left the traditional turkey at home. She reveals the mistake to father snail, who has a think. "This is a Thanksgiving picnic and we should have turkey! I'll send Johnny home to get it", decides father snail.
Father snail calls Johnny over and tells him to go and get the turkey. Johnny hesitates a bit and complains that the rest of the family will start eating the other food while Johnny is getting the turkey. Father assures him that they won't touch a bite while Johnny is gone. With that Johnny leaves.
One week goes by... Two weeks go by... Three weeks go by... Four weeks go by...
Clancy snail starts complaining that she is hungry. Father tells her "no one touches any food until Johnny gets back".
Five weeks go by... Six weeks go by... By this time everyone is really hungry (and worried about Johnny), but father sticks to his promise.
Ten weeks go by... The family are looking anorexic. Mother says "Just one little cracker? Please, can I just eat one little cracker". Father still says no.
Twelve weeks... Fourteen weeks...
Finally father snail decides that one cracker each will be ok (after all they are starving). As they take their first bite of the cracker, little Johnny jumps out from behind some bushes and says: "Ahhhaaa!!! I knew you would start eating without me!!!!"
Parrot
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, 'And get me a coke, you cow!' The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls 'And get me another coke dogface!' Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. 'I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!'
The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, 'For someone who can't fly, you've got guts!'
Two hungry bats
One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.
He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked.
"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?"
"Yes," the other bat replied.
"Well, I didn't."
Parrot and the bull dog
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishÂ*washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Bull Dog; he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.
The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
A contribution
A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.
"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"
"Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."
Talking parrot
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, 'Darling, you get on top and I'll try.' That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, 'Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try.' Still no success.
Then he said, 'Look. Let's both get on top and try.'
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, 'Zoo or no zoo, this, I gotta see!'
Exam
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The CORRECT answer: Open the refrigerator door, put the giraffe in, and close the door. (This question tests whether or not you do simple things in a complicated way.)
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? The WRONG answer: Open the refrigerator, put the elephant in, and close the door. The CORRECT answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in, and close the door. (This question tests your prudence and practicality.)
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals except one attend. Which one does not attend? The CORRECT answer: The elephant. The elephant is still in the refrigerator and cannot open the door from the inside. (This question tests whether or not you have comprehensive thinking skills.)
If you did not answer correctly the first three questions, this next question is your last chance to show your qualification to be a professional.
4. There is a river inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage to pass it? The CORRECT answer: Swim through it. All of the animals, including the crocodiles, are attending the conference (except the elephant, of course).
Don't be frustrated if you failed this test. According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, about 90% of the professionals failed the exam. However, most preschoolers got it correct, this disproving the popular theory that most "professionals" have the brains of a four-year old.
Bees
A man and a woman are standing side by side waiting for a bus when they start talking.
'Say,' said the woman. 'Do you have a hobby?'
'Yeah, I'm a bee keeper.'
'Well, you must live in the country then.'
'Nope, right here in the city.'
'Really? You must have a large house then.'
'Nope, apartment.'
'Geez, where do you keep them?'
'In a shoe box in my closet.'
'A shoe box? How many bees do you have?'
'Couple thousand, something like that.'
'Well, you can't keep a couple thousand bees in a shoe box! They'll die!'
'I hate bees.'
FAA's chicken launcher
The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they were developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.
The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer's chair and imbedded itself in the back wall of the engine's cab.
The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation. USE A THAWED CHICKEN...!!!
Liar sheep
While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation.
Cowboy: 'Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?
Indian: 'Dog no talk.'
Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?'
Dog: 'Doin' alright.'
Indian: Look of shock.
Cowboy: 'Is this Indian your owner?' Pointing at the Indian.
Dog: 'Yep.'
Cowboy: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Indian: Look of disbelief.
Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Indian: 'Horse no talk.'
Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Good.'
Indian: Extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?' Pointing at the Indian.
Horse: 'Yep.'
Cowboy: 'How does he treat you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.'
Indian: Complete look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Indian: 'Sheep liar.'
Choked
A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, 'Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?'
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, 'It's my dog. Why?'
'Well,' squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, 'I believe my dog just killed it, sir.'
'What?' roared the big man in disbelief. 'What in the hell kind of dog do you have?'
'Sir,' answered the little man, 'It's a four week old puppy.'
'Bull!' roared the biker, 'How could your puppy kill my Doberman?'
'It appears that he choked on it, sir.'