Jokes time buddies.....

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live
on!"

===============================

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my
husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see
what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me
up!"

===================================

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his
wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and
replied, "You're never home!"

=================================

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his
"manhood" was mangled and tornfro m his body. His doctor assured him
that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his
insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered
cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small,
$6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor
urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking
dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the
doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

======================================


WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

=================================

WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will
make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the
bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back
in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

> Lesson One:
>
> An eagle was sitting on a tree resting.
> A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him:
> "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
> The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
> So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
> sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>
> ** Management Lesson:
> To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
> **
>
> Lesson Two:
>
> A turkey was chatting with a bull.
> "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the
> turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
> "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
> "They're packed with nutrients."
> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
> enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
> The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
> Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the
> tree.
> Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
>
> ** Management Lesson:
> Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. **
>
> Lesson Three:
>
> A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
> froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a
> cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
> the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was
> actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began
> to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
> investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
> pile of cow dung, promptly dug him out and ate him.
>
> ** Management Lesson:
> 1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
> 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
> 3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut. ***

WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND Wakka Wakka

1. You can stare at any Girl.......
Yowza

2. You don't have to spend money on her. Accountant

3. You won't get boring result in ur papers. Office Romance

4. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a
girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one to be a cool guy loves .

Boys Night Out

5. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring

Waiting





5. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.

Insane

6. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore.

Castaway

7. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.
Present

8. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters.No more endless waiting for ur date to
arrive at some weird shop\place
Student Head Explodes
9. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them
High Five

10. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.

Angel 2

11. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.
Sleeping

12.You wont have to fight over having a 'special' freind with ur folks.
Thumbs Up



13. No nonstop nonsense.
Blah Blah Blah

14. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.

Crying 2

15. No more tension.
The Thinker

16. You can be "urself"

Sprinkler

17. You wont have to hide your telephone bills...

Cell Phone Bill

So Try to AVOID Girl Friends in your Life...! Will You?????

Hope you enjoy these my friend...
[1] Dear Mr. President: .
How much money does the president make? Could you please write and tell me because if it isn't enough money then I will become a dentist. .
Timothy U., age 7. Jamestown, NY
.
[2] Dear Mr. President: .
Do you have any friends in Congress? My Mom says your only friend is the vice-president. .
Richard D., age 8, Greenwich, CT
.
[3] Dear Mr. President: .
Someday I hope there will be a woman president. But not my sister. She will drive everybody crazy----the Democrats and Republicans.
A citizen, Lawrence K., age 8, Atlanta, GA

[4] Dear Mr. President: .
What is your favorite book? My Mom said it is the Bible because you have to pray a lot..
Kimberly W., age 8, Meriden, CT
.
[5] Dear President Bush: .
Can you help with the weather in Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not even the president can do anything about the weather. I hope she is wrong. We need more sunshine in Seattle. .
Elizabeth P., age 8, Seattle, WA
.
[6] Dear Mr. President: .
What does Congress do all day? My dad told me that Congress doesn't do anything but make trouble. .
Ralph N., Palm Beach, FL.

[7] Dear Mr. President: .
Do you go to church on Sunday? I hope so because my mother says our country needs all the help we can get from God. .
Melissa, Age 9, La Fayette, IN
.
[8] Dear Mr. President: .
I hope I can be president someday but my mother says first I should get a real job and work. .
Jerome F., age 7, New York, NY
.
[9] Dear Mr. President: .
I think you won the election because you were a better speaker even if a lot of people didn't know what you were talking about. .
Tracey O., age 10, Green Valley, AZ

[10] Dear Mr. President: .
My girlfriend Betsy and I would like to get married in the White House when we get married someday. We will be married in 20 years. .
Peter N., age 7, Bismarck, ND

[11] Dear President Bush: .
What size shoes do you wear? My grandfather died last month and he left a lot of shoes and my brother and I would like to send you and the vice-president a pair of shoes. Do you like brown shoes or black shoes? We will shine the shoes before we send them to you. .
Joey P., age 8, Erie, PA

[12] Dear Mr. President: .
I knew you would win the election when my best friend Amy said you would lose. Amy is always wrong. .
Julie P., age 9, Exeter, RI
.
[13] Dear Mr. President: .
On TV you didn't answer some questions because you said the answer was classified. Can I classify my answers? I got into trouble when I admitted I broke something I shouldn't have touched. If I could say the answer if classified, I wouldn't be in trouble. .
Martin J., age 9, Philadelphia, PA

[14] Dear Mr. President: .
My girlfriend Alyssa is a Republican and I am a Democrat. Someday we may get married. Can a Democrat marry a Republican and be happy? I am 12 and my girlfriend is 11. We would like your answer before we are 18. Thank you, .
Ryan C., age 12, Philadelphia, PA

[15] Dear Mr. President: .
I've been practicing piano for two years and I hate it and I am awful. My mom said President Nixon played piano. Did you play piano because President Nixon did? I think two years of being a bad player is enough. Please write my mom and tell her. She likes you most of the time. .
Melissa E., age 10, Shaker Heights, OH

[16] Dear Mr. President:
And finally a young man who is wise beyond his years.....Someday if we have a woman president we will need more closets in the White House so the president will have room for all her clothes. My mom has three closets and my sister has two closets and my dad and my brother and I have to share closets. .
Michael P., age 8, San Diego,Ca

HEY DUDE ....

PLEASE SEND YOUR ALL JOKES IN ONE THRED .... DON'T USE NEW TOPIC FOR EVERY POST...

plz give a topic for all my posts so i will post everything in one THREAD .

Hiiiii



One day a father and his rich family took his son to a trip to the country
with the firm purpose to show him how poor people can be.



They spent a day and a night in the farm of a very poor family.
"Son, How was the trip?", father asked after the trip.

"Very good Dad!"



"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.

"Yeah!", the son smiled.



"And what did you learn?"

The son answered,



"I saw that we have a dog at home,
and they have four......

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden,
they have a creek that has no end .....



We have imported lamps in the garden,

they have the stars....

Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole horizon."



When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless.



His son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are!"

> It's cool,......
>
> In some remote village of India, one masterji is
> teaching the Mahabharat katha to class 6 students.
> He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.
>
> Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his
> sister's 8th child is going to kill him. He was
> furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind
> the bars. First son is born, and kansa kills him by
> poisoning... Second one is born n kansa throws him
> off the mountain peak. Third one is born..."
>
> Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his
> hand. Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n
> confused)
>
> Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have
> doubt in mahabharata then how come u have one?"
>
> Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th
> child was going to Kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE
> PUT
> VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?
>
> Masterji fainted.........................
>

Good One
One day Lord shiva decided to visit the earth and try some alcohol. So he changed his get-up and went to a bar in Delhi and asked the bartender : "What all do u have".
Bartender : "We have whisky, rum, vodka, gin, beer etc etc.".
Lord Shiva: "Let's try whisky first, give me 5 bottles of whisky".
After having 5 bottles of whisky, Lord shiva decided to try Rum.
Bartender was shocked :"Who is this man, after having 5 bottles of whisky, he is still on his feet".
After having 5 bottles of Rum, Shiva decided to have beer. After having 40 bottles of beer, he asked the bartender for Gin. Bartender couldn't stop himself asking him : "Sir, who are you?? I ve seen people getting drunk after having 4 glasses of whisky, and you've almost had 50 bottles and you are still on your feet, who are you"???
Lord Shiva : "VATS, Hum Bhagwaan Shiv hain".
Bartender : AB CHADHI ISKO!!!

E-MAIL

I still recall the three-cent stamp, and phone calls for a dime,
And I remember that before E-Mail I had more time,



But somehow now, with anxious fingers I can't wait to see
Exciting things that my Inbox has waiting there for me.



I turn on my Computer, click the Icon for the Net,
And when I type my password in, my E-Mail I can get.



My messages sometimes are funny, and sometimes they're sad.
Oft times they are informative, with news that makes me glad.



Some days I laugh my head off, and some other days I grieve,
But each new message seems just like a gift that I receive.



I'm not confessing just how often, or how long I spend
Receiving, clicking, viewing, typing messages to send;



And I am sure before E-Mail, I got a lot more done.
But I must still admit that NOW.....I HAVE A LOT MORE FUN