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Too much TV?????
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 yr. old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied,
"Bud."
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Jimmy's Not Stupid
Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand.
Little Jimmy stood up, alone.
Mrs. White said, "Jimmy, do you really think you're stupid?"
"No," Jimmy said. "But I didn't want you standing up there alone."
Christmas Ticket
Christmas morning a boy rides down the road on his brand new bike when a cop on a horse rides up beside him and says "Did Santa bring you that bike?"
"yea" the boy replies.
"Well maybe next year you can ask Santa to give you a helmet for that bike" and proceeds to write that boy up a 20 dollar ticket.
As the boy rides away on his bike he turns around and says to the police man "Did Santa bring you that horse?"
humoring the boy he says "sure"
"Well maybe next year you can ask Santa to put the dick on the bottom of the horse a instead of on top!"
Father's Advice
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
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Plane Conversation
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
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Chldren's Prayer
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
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Most Wanted
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
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Children Books
HERE ARE SOME CHILDREN BOOKS THAT WILL NEVER BE PUBLISHED:
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"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends?"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"
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Praying
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
Etiquette Lesson
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.
Microsoft VS. GM
At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) for no reson whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.
2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windowsshut off the car resart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.
4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.
6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.
7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.
9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.
10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.
11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.
12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this otion would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.
13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.
14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."
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Praying
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
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Etiquette Lesson
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
Riding With An Indian
A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down.
An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in Bartlesville, he let her off at the local Phillips 66 service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
Car Problem
One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.
The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."
The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas."
The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system."
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"
The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and then get back in."
Online Too Long
70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".
3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to
your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-
face.
8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone
know you're going to be away.
10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or
complete sentences.
12. You have met over 100 AOLers.
13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the
night when your spouse is asleep.
16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know
you're on-line again.
17. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do
your own spouses.
18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they
complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to
your own.
20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from
partying too much than the truth (online all night).
21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your
own profile to see who you are.
22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Mommy, please come and
cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".
23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at
the same time.
24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.
25. Your dog leaves you.
26. You have to ask what year it is.
27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta
go bbl!"
28. You name your pets after people you talk to.
29. You smile sideways...
30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on
their buddy list.
31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore
button handy.
32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you
think "uh oh cyber sex perv".
34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more
than a few hours.
35. You use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one he he he).
36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
38. Your worse comeback to a bully is "I'll slap ya w/a rubber chicken!"
39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online
before you have your first cup of coffee.
40. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome
screen.
42. You don't know where the time has gone.
43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by
hand.
44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer
instead.
45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or **kisses**.
47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and
lemme.
48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n &
I will TTYL".
49. You type faster than you think.
50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing
therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.
52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up
your TV screen at the end of a movie.
54. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes &
fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
55. You dream in "text".
56. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.
57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really
bored.
58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
59. You double click your TV remote.
60. You can now type over 70wpm.
61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else &
say "BRB" or "BBL".
63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail.
64. You go into withdrawals during dinner.
65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to
everyone in a room.
66. You stop speaking in full sentences.
67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended
up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.
68. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".
69. You know what a "snert" is.
70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted
to check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was
online".
New AOL Messages
Since AOL has introduce there unlimited hours package they have started displaying special messages to customers. 1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off. 2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY? 3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside? 4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK? 5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?! 6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names? 7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line? 8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord! 9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is? 10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit. 11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke! 12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off? 13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already! 14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM... See job application enclosed!
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Life Before the Computer
An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!
10 reasons computers must be Males
Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
The name Microsoft
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party.
They are talking and Bill says, "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!" Hugh replies, "Well Bill, you know ... Ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed. She's charging a small fortune." Bill said with a chuckle, "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number?"
So, Hugh gives Bill her number and bill sets up a date.
They meet and after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling, "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."
To which she replies, "Thank you Bill...And now I know how you chose the name... Microsoft."
Helicopter Problem
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seatle.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
good jokes
the last one was too good
keep updating
THANX FRIENDQuote:
Originally Posted by Guttu