Drinking jokes

BEST JOKES POSTER AMONG NON-MODS:soultan.m
-AWARDED BY FTVFATBOY

The Drinker's Alphabet

Alcohol
The key to surviving college
Beer
The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging
Class
What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
Dancing
A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
Emergency
The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
Fucked Up
Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
Games
Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers
Hang-over
Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
Idiot
The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party
Jail
Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
Kissing
What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
Lord
Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
Money
That which you no longer have due to too much partying
Not Again!
What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know
Oh shit!
What you say as you're falling down the stairs
Pee
What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer
Quilt
What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning-YUCK!
Reform
What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet
Sex
What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
Ten
The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
Underage
Most of the drinking population in college town
Vodka
The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour
Worm
The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow
X-Ray
How they can see into your stomach before they pump it
Yourself
The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
Zoned
How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking

Signs You Have A Drinking Problem


You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interferring with your drinking.
Your docter finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
When you can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth!
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women].
Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive.
Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
You've fallen and you can't get up.
When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle - please pass the ice pack....
BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
Your name is Ted Kennedy

Liquor Warning Labels


The board of health has proposed that warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible perils of having a few...

Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a manure truck at 100 yards.

Warning: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an geek.

Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

Warning: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)

Warning: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

Warning: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

Ode to Alcohol


Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think,
I'm not under what they call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy
Pool so feelish, don't know why
Rally don't know who's me yet
The drunker I stay the longer I get
So just one more to full my cup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up.

The Top 14 Rejected Slogans for Beer


Beer: Getting sorority girls knocked up for 300 years
Goes Down Cold, Comes Up Smooth!
A decent excuse for your normal clumsy self
Because You're Sober
Tastes like piss, but you'll drink it anyway
Beer: That nasty taste means it's workin'!
You have to fill your bladder with something.
Don't Make Germany Angry. You Wouldn't Like Germany When It's Angry.
We don't make the urine. We make the urine faster.
Numbing the Embarrassment of Being You
It's the thicker-chicker-picker-upper!
Easier to Spell than Whiskey
The *Other* Thin Yellowish Liquid

and the Number 1 Rejected Slogan for Beer...


Beer: It's how you got here

Drinker's Fault Finding Guide


Symptom:
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

Fault:
Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution:
Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.



Symptom:
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

Fault:
Glass is empty.

Solution:
Find someone who will buy you another pint.



Symptom:
Room is spinning.

Fault:
Somebody is spinning your barstool.

Solution:
Vomit on person doing the spinning.



Symptom:
Feet cold and wet.

Fault:
Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution:
Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.



Symptom:
Feet warm and wet.

Fault:
Loss of self-control.

Solution:
Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.



Symptom:
Lap cool and wet.

Fault:
Drooling on yourself.

Solution:
Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.



Symptom:
Bar blurred.

Fault:
You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution:
Find someone who will buy you another pint.



Symptom:
Bar moving.

Fault:
You are being carried out.

Solution:
Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.



Symptom:
Bar looks like a circus.

Fault:
You're at a circus.

Solution:
Go to a bar.



Symptom:
The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.

Fault:
You have fallen over backwards.

Solution:
If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.



Symptom:
Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

Fault:
You have fallen over forwards.

Solution:
Same as for falling over backwards.



Symptom:
Everything has gone dim.

Fault:
The pub is closing.

Solution:
PANIC!

What is a Frog's Favorite Drink?


What is a Frog's Favorite Drink?
ANSWER: CROCK-A-COLA

Jar of Olives


McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after
martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a
jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks
consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over
what McPherson had done. "What was that all about?"


"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar
of olives."

Crying in His Beer


There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking
at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.


Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to
him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all
down.


The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on
man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I
just can't see a man crying."


"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life.
First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss,
outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I
found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do
nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab
driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole
wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed
with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when
I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up
and drink my poison ..."

Tequila


This guy walks into a bar, orders 10 shots of Cuervo. Slams all 10 in about 30 seconds. The bartender asks "Are you alright? Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy responds,
"Because I only have fifty cents."

What NOT to Say in a Bar


A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and yells, "I can lick
any man in the place!"

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says,
"Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a
gay bar?"

A string


There was a string and he went into a bar he told the bar tender hey pass me a beer. He said I’m sorry we don't serve strings. So he went out in the alley. He looked into a puddle and he saw that his ends were beginning to fray. So he tied himself in a knot he went back into the bar to try once again to get a drink so he said to the bar tender hey pass me a drink the bar tender said hey aren't you that string that was just in here the string said I’m a “frayed Knot!”

Bar, I said bar


two men walked into a bar, one ducked.

Skeleton


A skeleton walks into a bar, he orders a beer, and a mop.

I lived by the drinkers Alphabet, great one!!!!!

I think you can be granted a Doctrate for all all this research!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: good,very good.

"You lose arguments with inanimate objects."
This one is my favorite becuase I have seen my best friend break a manican that he had in his room for some reason becuse he was so hammered.

LOL ok guys, i dint find this that funny but u must ov lol

Q: Say toast three times. What do you put in a toaster?? A: Bread

whats orange and sounds like parrot?
CARROT

Two muffins are baking in an oven. First muffin says: "Gettin' a little hot in here, isn't it?" Second muffin says: "AHHhhhh!!! A talking muffin!!"

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese!!!

Q: what did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
A: Where's pop-corn?

Q: what wobbles when it flys?
A. a jellycopter!

Q. What did the lettce say to the tomato? A.wheres the dressing room?

My story starts off with my ex-husband going duck hunting. First time ever. He came home with one duck and I was given the directions on how to clean it by our elderly neighbour. Well you are supposed to boil a pot of water and leave the duck in the water just long enough for the feathers to come off nicely. Hmmmm I placed it in the water and meanwhile the phone rang. It was my girlfriend and I left the kitchen and went into the living-room to chat. Well one hour later, I hung up the phone and that is when I smelled this awful odour coming from the kitchen. My duck!!! Yes, I dipped it in the water alright, only I cooked the darn thing with its feathers, guts and all. I removed it from the pot and it stood on its feet on my counter with its beak twisted sideways and looking like something out of this world. Was this my duck I was going to be so proud of? My very first duck! Oh my goodness you had to be there to see it. I cried and laughed at the same time. Mind you my ex did not think it was so funny!

Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Why did a man cross the road? To eat the chicken

two crisps were walking along the road and a driver said "would you like a lift" and the crisps said no were walkers

What is goose's favourite berry?


of course, gooseberry

Peanut


You hear about the two peanuts tha were walking down the street? One was a salted

Wild Rice


How did the patron in the restaurant know that he was served wild rice? Because the rice jumped out of the bowl.

chicken and gum


how did the gum get across the road? it was stuck to the chickens foot.

"(hicup-hicup)"


Why did the turkey have the hicups? He gobbled his food!

Cookie joke


Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crummy!!

People are like Potatoes


Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are
content to watch others do. They are called "Speck Tators."

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at
finding fault with the way others do things. They're called
"Comment Tators."

Some are always looking to cause problems and really get
under your skin.
They are called "Aggie Tators."

There are those who are always saying they will, but
somehow, they never get around to doing. We call them "Hezzie
Tators."

Some people put on a front and act like someone else.
They're called "Emma Tators."

Then, there are those who walk what they talk. They're
always prepared to stop what they're doing to lend a hand to
others and bring real sunshine into the lives of others. You
can call them "Sweet Tators."

The Coffee Test


Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?
Have you ever waken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than to go to sleep?
Have you ever drank cold coffee?
Right out of the pot?
Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?

Do you need coffee:

...to get up in the morning?
...to get out of bed?
...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like-coffee)?
Does the phrase "Swiss water decaffeinated" strike terror into your heart?
Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
...in more than five?
...in your bathroom?
Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
...and it's bad for the environment?
Do you grind your own coffee?
Do you grow your own coffee?
Do you know Juan Valdez?
...and his donkey?
...intimately?
Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
Is sleep a hobby of yours?
...that you don't like?
...because it's too frustrating?
Response Ratio
Addiction Factor

Yes
No
Analysis:

22-28
0-6
You are a well-rounded member of society with a love for life and you are very wise.

15-21
7-13
You are a slightly jagged member of society, life's okay but it could be better and you are relatively naive.

0-15
13-28
What are you, some kinda nature-freak tree-hugger!?
Coffee's not good enough for you, huh? Here, have some more tofu! How about some alfalfa tea?!? You Commie Slime!!!

Hot Dog


Q: What do get when you cross a chilli pepper, steam shovel, and a chihuahua?
A: A hot, diggety dog.

Baskin Robbins


Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A
mama cat and her kitten were walking by.

The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we
eat?"

To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How
about some Baskin Robbins?"