Adult Jokes (A)

Husband wants a blowjob...

There was a happily wed husband and wife who had sex every night, but never oral sex. The husband, who wanted to try oral sex with his wife, asked her, "Honey, can you give me oral sex tonight please? We've never tried it before.". The wife, upon hearing this shed a tear out of some unknown fear, the husband, now astonished, asked her beloved why she is crying. The wife replied "I'm afraid that if I give you oral sex, you won't respect me anymore.", but the husband replied "No honey, I'd never do such a thing, I promise.". Relieved, the wife agrees to give her husband oral sex. Later in the evening, the couple begin to have oral sex for the first time. But as they were enjoying their moment, the phone begins to ring, and the husband says "pick up the phone cocksucker."

Mailman have all the luck

On his last day on the job, a mailman is greeted by a young housewife who invites him in for breakfast. After the feast she leads him to the bedroom for an extensive sexual romp. Afterward she gives him two dollars. “Jeez,” says the mailman, “this is great, but what’s with the two dollars?” “Well,” she replies, “since you’re retiring, I asked my husband what we should do for you. He said, ‘Fuck him—give him a couple of bucks.’ Breakfast was my idea.”

Two kids are growing up...

A four year old and a seven year old talked in their room about how they are grown up now. "It about time we better start cussing" said seven year old Johnny. Four year old Andrew nodded aimlessesly not really knowing what cuss words meant. The seven year old continued, "When we go downstairs for breakfast tomorrow morning, I will say a sentence with hell and you will say a sentence with ass".

The next morning, their mother greeted them in the kitchen by asking what they wanted for breakfast. Johnny said, "Aw hell mom I'll take some cheerios". In response to this, their mother spanked him, yelled at him, and sent him up to his room with no breakfast and was to be grounded for the day. The mom then turned to Andrew and said, "What would you like for breakfast?". Andrew, still shaking and confused about his brother's mishap, said, "I dont know, but you can bet your fat ass it wont be cheerios."

The urine machine will give a dignosis for any problem

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by udnk

The urine machine will give a dignosis for any problem

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

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very funny!!!

Lol hahha funny waffle

Interesting Human Body Facts


- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.

- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).

- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

- Women blink twice as much as men.

- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!

- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by udnk

Two kids are growing up...

A four year old and a seven year old talked in their room about how they are grown up now. "It about time we better start cussing" said seven year old Johnny. Four year old Andrew nodded aimlessesly not really knowing what cuss words meant. The seven year old continued, "When we go downstairs for breakfast tomorrow morning, I will say a sentence with hell and you will say a sentence with ass".

The next morning, their mother greeted them in the kitchen by asking what they wanted for breakfast. Johnny said, "Aw hell mom I'll take some cheerios". In response to this, their mother spanked him, yelled at him, and sent him up to his room with no breakfast and was to be grounded for the day. The mom then turned to Andrew and said, "What would you like for breakfast?". Andrew, still shaking and confused about his brother's mishap, said, "I dont know, but you can bet your fat ass it wont be cheerios."

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hahah. omg the little kid was just so clueless he didn't know but he used it right, ha, (:

all i have to say it's LOL...

LOL.. i loved the first one :D

hahah funny

A dad and his daughter were in the garden when she spotted a spider
"dad what's that?" he said "that's a daddy long leg" so she asked
"are there mommy long legs" and he said "no I don't think so" then
she lifted her foot and stepped on the spider and said "We won't
have any of this in our garden!"

hahaha so funny

LOL have funny. :D:D

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?v Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Thanxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A woman goes to the dentist, sits on the chair and spreads out her legs. The dentist says 'Excuse me, madam, but the gynecologist is on the second floor, I'm a dentist' and the woman replies 'Listen, you put my husband's teeth on, you get them out!'

There is nothing bad if your wife agrees to do it for you. It strengthens the love and bond between you. It is really important to satisfy your husband. However, don't do call your wife a cocksucker later on, it will shake her faith in you and she will become angry..:single_eye:

Really funny thread.

Good jokes, i like it.