"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" :)
John Mendosa.
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"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" :)
John Mendosa.
Mr.Bean Science
.
Major Rohail:
I was stuck in ELEVATOR for 3 hrs
Due to electric failure
Mr.Bean:
Ya me too
I was stuck on ESCALATOR for 5 hrs
Tu toh hamesha galat hi sochti hai
Bahu: Maaji, yeh abhi tak nahi aaye, kahi koi ladki ka chakkar toh nahi hai unke ?
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Maaji: Are kalmuhi tu toh hamesha galat hi sochti hai, Ho sakta hai ke kisi truck ke niche aa gaya ho!
Sexy elephant figure
In an elephant’s school, some loafer elephants were hanging around in the canteen. A sexy female elephant passes by the canteen.
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Then one of the elephants says: “Look yaar, 3600 - 2400 - 3600!!”
Ha haha Good jokes
Why Harbhajan Slapped Sreesanth ?
Our Harbhanjan Singh was enjoying Match.
Yuvraj Singh came and asked him, “Are you relaxing?”
Bhajji answered, “No I am Harbhajan Singh”
VRV Singh Came and asked the same Question.
He answered, “No! No!, Me Harbhajan Singh”
Third one came and asked the same question, Bhajji was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
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While walking he saw Sreesanth enjoying the Match. He went and asked him “Are you Relaxing?”
The Sreesanth answered “Yes I am relaxing.”
Bhajji slapped him on his face and said “Are sab tere Ko wahan dhoond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai.”
These are really funny jokes! I laughed pretty hard.
The taxi driver & S.T Peter
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
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“Wow, thank you”, said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up”, said the priest. “Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.”
“Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone pray
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
The indian life is best because…
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* There is a sale on any item, you buy 100 of them.
* You make tea in a saucepan.
* You never buy bin bags, but use your saved grocery bags for it.
* You put your clothes in suitcases instead of wardrobes.
* You have a ‘Singer Brother’ sewing machine at home.
* Your mother has a minor disagreement with her sister and doesn’t talk to her for ten years.
* You call an older person you’ve never met before “uncle”.
* You hide everything from your parents.
* Your mother does everything for you if you are male.
* You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.
* Your relatives alone could populate a small city.
* Everyone is a family friend.
* Everyone always called you for help on homework.
* You read law, medicine or engineering at university.
* You were thick so you read computer science or business instead.
* You know no one who has read music.
* You went to a university as far away from home as possible.
* You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.
* Your best friend got married at the age of 16.
* You only make telephone calls after 6pm.
* You like the meat well done.
* You eat onions with everything.
* You use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup.
* You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
* You say you hate Indian films(/songs) but secretly watch(/hear) them with your parents.
* You teach Westerners swearwords in your language.
* You order Indian food in your own language to impress the people you’re with but the waiters don’t understand you.
* You avoid public places when with a member of the opposite sex, especially if there is an acquaintance within a 250 miles radius.
* You always say “open the light” instead of “turn the light on”.
* You secure your baggage with a rope.
* You’re walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all twenty-five members of your family who have come to pick you up.
* You get very upset when airlines refuse to accept your luggage which is just 80 lbs. overweight.
* You go back to your parents’ country and people treat you like a member of the royal family.
* You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you story of how he had to walk miles barefoot just to get to school.
* To your American friends, oil is used purely for cooking and not as a grooming aid.
* Your parents have nicknames but only because people they work with just stop when trying to read their names.
* Your parents call all your friends “Beta” whether they are Indian or not.
* If you aren’t married and you turn 25, your parents start wringing their hands and proclaim that it’s too late.
* You are sick and tired of answering questions about “the dot”.
* Your friends could not explain your religion to someone if they tried.
* You could not explain your religion to someone if you tried.
* Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try and demonstrate how well it works whenever they’re not fighting.
* You notice that whenever you go to another Indian’s house, your parents always talk about businesses… especially if they’re for sale.
* The second you pull out of someone’s driveway, your parents start talking about them.
* Your parents worry what other people will think if you’re not going to be a doctor/lawyer/engineer.
* You’re parent’s always say, “It’s cheaper in India”
hii shweta...great jokes and pitures
Thanks....
hello.................
Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water and another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."
Beggar and software developer
A beggar meets another beggar. A software engineer meets another software engineer.
Both of them ask the same question to each other.
What is the question ???
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So, Which Platform are you Working on ???
Long back..
Long back,
A person who sacrificed his sleep,
forgot his family,
forgot his food,
forgot laughter were called “SAINTS”
But now they are called….
….
….
..
..
..
.
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.
.
.
“IT professionals/ Logistics Professionals”
Types of woman
HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
INTERNET woman:
Difficult to access.
SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.
CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.
EMAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
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VIRUS woman:
Also called “wife”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don’t you will lose everything!!
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash
Teacher: who wants to go to heaven (all the students put their hands up. But little Ben doesn't)
Teacher: Ben, You don't want to go to heaven
Ben:Yes I do, but my mother warned me to come straight back home after school
An elephant has 5 bananas and it is hungry, but yet it does not eat the bananas. Why?
Because the bananas are made of plastic.
Next…Q
The 5 bananas are real , but yet the elephant does not eat it. Why?
Because the elephant is made of plastic.
Hahhaa…never give up…one more..
Now,
Next…Q
Both the elephant and the bananas are real, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?
Because the bananas are in the TV.
!!! Cool down…
Next…Q
Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?
Because they are on different channels.
Hohohohoohohoh. .hehehe
Ants will finish you
a girl’s speaking 2 a boy……..
u r very handsome.
u r very cute.
u r very sweet.
ooph…….sorry.
i can’t call u sweet….
because ants will finish u.
:D:D:D good
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
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After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”
“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
Officer: What Is Your Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: Tell Me Properly.
Candidate: Mohan Pal Sir
Officer: Your Father’s Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Manmohan Pal Sir
Officer: Your Native Place
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: Is It Madhya Pradesh?
Candidate: No, Munnur Pal Sir
Officer: What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: (angrily) What Is It?
Candidate: Metric Pass
Officer: Why Do You Need A Job?
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: And What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Money Problem Sir
Officer: Describe Your Personality
Candidate: M P. Sir
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Officer: Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate: Magnanimous Personality Sir
Officer: This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now.
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: What Is It Now
Candidate: My Performance. ..?
Officer: M.P!!!
Candidate: What Is That Sir?
Officer: Mental Problems
Japan Fast, India Very Very Fast
There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing. On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”
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The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!
The Japanese exclaimed, “What??… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!
good jokes!
Once, in the morning, two idiots were quarelling. The first idiot was saying that there is sun in the sky, while other was claiming that there is moon in the sky.
Then they saw a man passing by and decided to ask him what is there in the sky. Both the idiots went to him and asked whether there is sun in the sky or moon. The man stared at both of them and then replied, "Sorry, I am new in this village."
A Blonde goes to K-Mart to buy curtains.. She said to the salesman,
'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains
He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'
'Seventeen inches ?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for ?'
The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'
The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains !'
The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo .. I've got Windoooooows.......'
What is the answer ?
One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night And Didn’t Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
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So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.
Q.1. Your Name…………………….( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst?……………( 98 MARKS )
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right …!!!