Jokes Heavan - Share Your Jokes Here.

Hi..
My suggestion.. Why not we just make one thread and share all jokes in one thread.
So we dont have many new thread.

I'll post all jokes i know here. And post your jokes here too.

Thank You.

A bit 18SX

After several years of serving the church in a far away land a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bronx New York. Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.

On his way a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."

The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blow job?..."

The woman is just as confused and says "What are you a comedian!" and walks off.

The priest undaunted walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats,

"Hey mister blow job 25 bucks."

The priest quickly replies "What is this blow job!?"

The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.

The priest now very curious returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of is. The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother Superior.

The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior invites him in to take a seat.

The priest looks at Mother Superior and says "I have a question - What is a blow job?"

Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper.... "Same as on the outside.... 25 Bucks.... "

The Blind Man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

Material Safety Data Sheet


Woman, a chemical analysis.


ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: WO2
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs, but specimens known
to vary from 100lbs to 550lbs

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Exposed surfaces usually covered with some form of painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if it feels wronged and never forgets.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Many specimens yield when pressure is applied to certain points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
2. Some specimens require vast quantities of expensive substances before behavioural changes occur.
3. known to explode without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4. insoluble in liquid, but exposure to alcohol is known to have strange effects on their behavior patterns.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
1. Many specimens found to be of ornamental value only, especially in sports cars and at functions.
2. Other specimens found to be warm and friendly and a great aid to relaxation.
(N.B. If both the above examples are found at the same location a hostile environment may soon develop).

TEST:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when caught in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed next to a superior specimen.

HAZARDS:
1. Highly unpredictable even in very experienced hands. (Important note. Experience in handling one specimen, does not automatically qualifies you to handle the next that comes along.)
2. Possessing more than one specimen at any one time can be dangerous or even fatal.
3. Not accepting what they say at face value has been found to be detrimental to mans peace of mind.
4. Accepting what they say at face value has been found to be detrimental to mans peace of mind.

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class
and she presented each child in her class the first half of
a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the
remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were
actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise
you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first
graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Don't change horses......until they stop running.
2. Strike while the.........bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ....... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ......... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ............. .looks dirty.
7. No news is.............................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a .................. .Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new .............. math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .....stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ...................................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .................. pigs
13. An idle mind is..........the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ...................pollution.
15. Happy the bride who...........gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ......................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's .......... .....the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .....you put on to go to
bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ........you
have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ............Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not .............. spanked or
grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ....................... get
new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ........ see in the picture
on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ................. get out of the
way.
And the WINNER and last one is
25. Better late than ..................pregnant.

There it go.. I'll post more soon. :D

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"


************************************************** *****

One woman called a toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this stupid thing, and I'm not going to read the book."

************************************************** *****

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

************************************************** *****

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."

************************************************** *****

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

************************************************** *****

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."

more dug out from my pc...enjoy..


A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.

The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

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"Marketing 101"
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed". That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed". That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's Brand Recognition.

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"The Honest Wife"
A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place.
The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."

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"An Honest Mistake"
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

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"The Infant-Sized Penis"
Jim decided to propose to Sandy. But prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old's.
He stated that it was okay, because he loved her so much. However, Jim felt this was the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant's, and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes. I will marry you and learn to live with your infant- sized penis." Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim rushed Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant's!"
"It is . . . 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches!"

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measurement
On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of £100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice. The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up. "I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war. "Excellent," says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's £7000." Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. "Excellent," replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's £7500." Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. "I'll have measured the tip of my d*** to he end of my balls sahr!" The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!" The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands sahr!"

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JJJ
It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of Jones, John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe's boat sank on the same day that John's wife died.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said:" I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible." Joe replied; " Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle! " THE OLD LADY FAINTED.

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Deaf sex
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"
Penis

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One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

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Wife
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

Below are four (4) questions.
You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready?

GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question: You are participating in a race. You
overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you
are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second
person and you take his place, you are second!


Try not to mess up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this are you?

Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth?
Answer:
Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her
arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month
overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a
test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell,
because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric
company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next
morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you
have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

---------------------------------------

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.
Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother
who
is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already
asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the
top
bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers
that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to
whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a
new
position.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!



Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop
making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over
my face!*!*!*!*!

> How the company views its employees. (HE VS SHE)
>
> The family picture is on HIS desk.
> Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
> The family picture is on HER desk.
> Umm, her family will come before her career.
>
>
> HIS desk is cluttered.
> He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
> HER desk is cluttered.
> She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain.
>
>
> (I think this part is especially true)
> HE is talking with his co-workers.
> He must be discussing the latest deal.
> SHE is talking with her co-workers.
> She must be gossiping.
>
>
> HE's not at his desk.
> He must be at a meeting.
> SHE's not at her desk.
> She must be in the ladies' room.
>
>
> HE's not in the office.
> He's meeting with customers.
> SHE's not in the office.
> She must be out shopping.
>
>
> HE's having lunch with the boss.
> He's on his way up.
> SHE's having lunch with the boss.
> They must be having an affair.
>
>
> The boss criticised HIM.
> He'll improve his performance.
> The boss criticised HER.
> She'll be very upset.
>
>
> HE got an unfair deal.
> Did he get angry?
> SHE got an unfair deal.
> Did she cry?
>
>
> HE's getting married.
> He'll get more settled.
> SHE's getting married.
> She'll get pregnant and leave.
>
>
> (This part is GOOD too)
> HE's having a baby.
> He'll need a raise.
> SHE's having a baby.
> She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
>
>
> HE's going on a business trip.
> It's good for his career.
> SHE's going on a business trip.
> What does her husband say?
>
>
> HE's leaving for a better job.
> He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.
> SHE's leaving for a better job.
> Women are not dependable.

> An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when
> the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind -ese are you?"
>
> The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you
> mean."
>
> The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese
> was
> confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled,
> "What
> kind of -ese are you...Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!?"
>
> The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
>
> A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked "What kind
> of -kee" was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what
> kind of -kee am I?!" The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or
> monkee?"

> THE NAKED CARD
>
> The multi-purpose MyKad is the latest version of our perpetually
> metamorphosing IC. With an embedded smart chip, it can also store our
> medical history, driver's license, act as an ATM card, serve as an
> electronic purse and even be used at the National Library. However, a
> recent experience by a holder brought to light the questionable control on
> access, potential information abuse and privacy infringement. As the
> belated debate rages on, I can foresee a likely scenario when ordering
> pizzas in the near future...
>
> Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Rumah Attap. May I have your..."
>
> Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."
>
> Operator : "Can I have your MyKad number first, Sir?"
>
> Customer: "It's eh..., hold on...... 6102049998-45-54610"
>
> Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Dhaljeet Singh and you're calling from 17
> Jalan Awan Hitam, off Jalan Ipoh. Your home number is 4094 2366, your
> office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566. Which number are
> you calling from now Sir?
>
> Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
>
> Operator : "We are connected to the MyKad system Sir"
>
> Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
>
> Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
>
> Customer: "How come?"
>
> Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
> pressure
> and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
>
> Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
>
>
> Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
> Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
>
> Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the
> National Library last week Sir"
>
> Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much
> will that cost?
>
> Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is
> 99.99 Ringgit..."
>
> Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
>
> Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit car is
> over the limit and you're owing your bank 6720.55 Ringgit
> since October last year"
>
> Customer: "Mera Lund Choong..." [Translation]
> Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing
> loan Sir.
>
> Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw
> some
> cash before your guy arrives"
>
> Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily
> limit on machine withdrawal today"
>
> Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How
> long is it gonna take anyway?"
>
> Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always
> come
> and collect it on your motorcycle..."
>
> Customer: "Kuti!" [Translation]
>
> Operator : "According to the details in your MyKad, you own a Comel
> Scooter, ...registration number WOB 1123..."
>
> Customer: "Tera peh thenoo picheyo kush karda hunda!" [Translation]
>
> Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you
> were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"
>
> Customer: [Speechless]
>
> Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
>
> Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
> bottles of cola as advertised?"
>
> Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also
> diabetic....... "

A couple decide to go golfing to the best golf course in their state.While playing,the husband tells his wife to be very carefull as there were many houses along the golf course.But the stupid wife swings her club and it breaks one of the glasses of the biggest house on the course.so the husband and wife decided to go and apologize to the owner of the house.When thay reached the house the they found a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of peices.The found an old man sitting inhis rocking chair and greeted the couple inside.he said"i am a genie and i would like to thank u for letting me free from this bottle,and i would like to grant u 2 wishes and the 3rd wish is mine.so the husband says i want a private aircraft for myself.the wife said she would like a house in every single country.the genie says for the past 200 years he has never had sex and would like to have sex with the lady.the husband agrees and the genie takes the lady up and begins having sex.then he asks the lady"how old is your husband"she replys"47"and the genie says"what a kid he still believes in genies"

MEN NEVER LISTEN...............

> > >>A gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several
> > >>attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be
> > >>occupied.
> > >>A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and
> > >>with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.
> > >>
> > >>"Sir," she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it
> > >>if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
> > >>
> > >>He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, The relief
> > >>was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the
> > >>buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified
> > >>by the letters: WW, WA, and PP and there was one red button labeled ATR.
> > >>
> > >>Who would really know if he touched them?
> > >>
> > >>He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he
> > >>pushed the WW button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his
> > >>bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, The men's restroom didn't have nice
> > >>things like this.
> > >>
> > >>Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button. Warm
> > >>Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying
> > >>his underside.
> > >>
> > >>He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and
> > >>without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed
> > >>his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his
> > >>unbelievable pleasure.
> > >>
> > >>The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of
> > >>tender loving pleasure!
> > >>
> > >>He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he
> > >>pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy...
> > >>
> > >>He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes.
> > >>A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
> > >>"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I
> > >>was in the ladies restroom!"
> > >>
> > >>"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Once upon a time , there lived a happy couple, Mr.
> > & Mrs. Ng with their 3
> > >lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Anele. The 3
> > daughters were brought up in
> > >a prim-and-proper way and when they reached 20,
> > they were still virgins.
> > >
> > >Years past, and it was time to get them married.
> > So, the parents found
> > >them the most suitable 'leng chais'. They got
> > married and were preparing
> > >to set-off on their honeymoon. As 'concerned',
> > Mr.& Mrs. Ng were curious
> > >about their daughters' first-night experience. So,
> > before the daughters
> > >went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told
> > them...... "Your father
> > >& I want to know about your 1st night encounters
> > and whether you are
> > >satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to
> > raise your husbands'
> > >curiosity...you all must use a code-name to
> > describe your experiences"
> > >
> > >So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed.
> > Mr & Mrs Ng got the
> > >first letter. It was from Elaine. They opened the
> > letter and found the word
> > >STANDARD CHARTERED. They immediately took the
> > >newspaper and looked for Standard Chartered
> > advertisement. Ah! here it
> > >is!!!!, exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard
> > Chartered was...."BIG,
> > >STRONG & FRIENDLY"....Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.
> > >
> > >A week later, they got another letter. This time it
> > was from Ena. The
> > >content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took
> > the newspaper and
> > >looked for the Nescafe ad. Ah! here it is.
> > 'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE
> > >LAST DROP'. Mr. & Mrs. Ng jumped in joy.
> > >
> > >Another week passed. A month passed. 2 months
> > passed. There was still no
> > >letter from Anele. The Ngs became worried. Finally,
> > the letter came. It
> > >was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng
> > managed to figure it
> > >out. The code-name was "CATHAY PACIFIC". Mr. Ng
> > rushed to the nearest
> > >store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages
> > frantically.... ah! here it
> > >is!!! Mrs. Ng grabbed the page and read aloud.
> > Before she could finish
> > >it......THUMP!!!!!!...she fell off her chair.
> > >The motto is.........." 7 TIMES A WEEK. 3 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP ".

Never translate IT terms to the Malay Language
Why Mahathir insist on using English for math and science. Because global
uses the
language as information's and / or technology language at this moment.How
danger it is if we're trying to use in Bahasa, especially in school.
see example below.
*hardware = barangkeras
*software = baranglembut
*joystick = batang gembira
*plug and play = cucuk dan main
*port = lubang
*server = pelayan
*client = pelanggan

Try translate this:
ENGLISH :
That server gives a plug and play service to the clients using either
hardware or software
joystick.The joystick goes into the port of the client."

BAHASA :
Pelayan itu memberi pelanggannya layanan cucuk dan main dengan menggunakan
batang gembira jenis keras atau lembut.Batang gembira itu dimasukkan
ke dalam lubang pelanggan."



> > > > > > Now You Know.........

Meant to be read aloud (for the full effect).

It's amazing, you will understand what 'tendjewberrymud' means by the end of the conversation.

This has been nominated for best email of 1999. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G : "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS : "Ow July den?"
G : "What??"
RS : "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry,scrambled please."
RS : "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G : "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G : "What?"
RS :"San tos. July San tos?"
G : "I don't think so"
RS : "No? Judo one toes??"
G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS : "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes?
Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"
G : "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
R : "We bother?"
G : "No...just put the bother on the side."
RS : "Wad?"
G : "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS : "Copy?"
G : "Sorry?"
RS : "Copy...tea...mill?"
G : "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS : "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G : "Whatever you say"
RS : "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "Oh, God. Now, what?"
RS : "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "OH, you're welcome"

A couple decide to go golfing to the best golf course in their state.While playing,the husband tells his wife to be very carefull as there were many houses along the golf course.But the stupid wife swings her club and it breaks one of the glasses of the biggest house on the course.so the husband and wife decided to go and apologize to the owner of the house.When thay reached the house the they found a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of peices.The found an old man sitting inhis rocking chair and greeted the couple inside.he said"i am a genie and i would like to thank u for letting me free from this bottle,and i would like to grant u 2 wishes and the 3rd wish is mine.so the husband says i want a private aircraft for myself.the wife said she would like a house in every single country.the genie says for the past 200 years he has never had sex and would like to have sex with the lady.the husband agrees and the genie takes the lady up and begins having sex.then he asks the lady"how old is your husband"she replys"47"and the genie says"what a kid he still believes in genies"

>|*NaUgHtY PoEmS*|
>
>
>POEM # 1
>
>I like your style
>I like your class
>but most of all i like your ass
>
>
>POEM # 2
>
>Im a cool girl, in a cool town
>it takes a real mother f***er to put me down
>
>
>POEM # 3
>
>Kissing is a habit
>f***ing is a game
>Guys get all the pleasure
>Girls get all the pain
>The guy says i love you
>You believe its true
>But when your tummy starts to swell,
>He says 'to hell with you'
>10 minutes of pleasure
>9 months in pain
>3 days in hospital
>A baby without a name
>The baby is a *******
>The mother is a whore
>This never wouldn't have happened
>If the rubber wouldn't have torn
>
>
>POEM # 4
>
>Guys are like roses,
>Watch out for the pricks.
>
>
>POEM # 5
>
>Smoke a smoke
>Not a butt
>f*** a virgin
>Not a slut.
>
>
>POEM # 6
>
>Sex is bad
>Sex is a sin
>Sins are forgiven
>So stick it in.
>
>
>POEM # 7
>
>Holy mother, full of grace
>Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
>Bless his hair that tends to curl
>Keep him safe from all the girls
>Bless his arms that are so strong
>Keep his hands where they belong
>Bless his d***, the one i sucked
>Bless the bed, in which we f***ed
>And if my Mom happened to walk in
>Bless the shit I'd be in.
>
>
>POEM # 8
>
>Sex is when a guys communication
>enters a girls information
>to increase the population
>for a younger generation
>do you get the information...
>or do you need a demonstration
>
>
>POEM # 9
>
>Men are like public toilets
>They are either engaged or full of shit!
>
>
>POEM # 10
>
>If guys had they periods
>They would compare the size of their tampons!
>
>
>POEM # 11
>
>Mental anxiety,
>Mental breakdowns,
>Menstrual cramps,
>Menopause...
>Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!
>
>
>POEM # 12
>
>Roses are red,
>Violets are corny,
>When I think of you
>Ohh baby I get horny,
>Eat me,
>Beat me,
>Bite me,
>Blow me,
>Suck me,
>f*** me,
>Very slowly,
>if you kiss me,
>dont be sassy,
>Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!!
>Poem #13
>
>Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue...
>I'm In Love But Not With You...
>When We Broke Up You Thought I Cried
>But All It Was...
>Was Another Guy,
>You Told Your Friends That I Was A Trick,
>I Told Mine That You Had A Weak d***...
>I Said I Loved You
>And You Thought It Was True,
>But Guess What Baby?!
>You Got Played Too!!
>
>
>Poem #14
>
>Guys are like parking spots...
>the good ones are always taken...
>and the ones that are available,
>are either handicapped or too far away!! *Darny*
>
>Poem 15
>
>Life is like a d***...
>When it gets hard f*** it!!!

ADD 1 MORE!!!

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
my c0ck would have rusted,
if it weren't for you!

another one!

if leftleg was friday,
and right was sunday,
can i cUm on saturday?

last one!

ashes to ashes,
dust to dust,
if it weren't for you,
my c0ck would have rust!

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

There was this guy that couldn't get laid because he had a 25-inch d***!
So one day he decides he's going to get
it shortened. He goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, listen, you gotta help me. No chicks'll sleep with me cause
I have a 25 inch d***!"


After a few minutes intense examination the doctor delivers the bad news. "Look man, I'm sorry but this d*** is so
damn huge I can't possibly redu! ce it. However, I CAN give you the location of a witch that lives in the woods
nearby that can help you out."


So off the guy goes into the woods and he finds the witch. "This is what I want you to do," she says. "Go a little
further into the woods and you'll come to a pond. There'll be a frog there that can talk. Everytime you ask the
frog to marry you and he says no, your d*** will decrease by five inches."

Off he goes again, into the woods until he comes across a pond and sees the frog. "Froggy," he yells, "will you
marry me?" The frog rolls his eyes and yells "NO!" The man looks at his cock and sees that it has decreased to 20
inches. Again, the man yells to the frog, "Froggy, will you marry me?" The frog rolls his eyes and goes "NO!" Now
his d*** is down to 15 inches, and he figures 10 is ideal. So once more he yells, "Froggy, will you marry me?"
The frog looks up one last time and says, "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? NO! NO! NO!"

Chee Bai
A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a shopping mall. The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals. The first kid to come on stage was a girl. "What's your name girl & how old are you?"

"My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old."

"OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?" "Bull."

"Very good! That's correct. Now here's a Barbie doll for you. Ladies & gentlemen, please give her a round of applause."

The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid to come on stage. The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very clever & articulate from the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked, announced, "My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Math & Art. My hobbies are collecting stamps & stickers."

The audience liked him immediately because of his confidence & had started to clap for him. His parents, standing right in front of the stage, were beaming with pride at how smart their son was.

"OK, Johnny, you should know the answer to this question very well. Close 2 eyes also can answer. Tell me, what is the opposite of cock?"

The young boy paused for a moment, scratched his head, moved closer to the microphone & finally answered proudly, "Chee Bai!"



Miss Singapore
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"

Miss USA: Lamp

Miss Malaysia: Light bulb

Miss Singapore: LADIO

Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lion

Miss Malaysia: Leopard

Miss Singapore: LABBIT

Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question incorrectly, you are disqualified.

Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lemon

Miss Malaysia: Lychee

Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", the decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lung (applause)

Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)

Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU

Judge: ?????????!!!!

Kung Fu
Two kung-fu masters were carrying on about their respective skills. "Why, my reflexes are such that you will not believe," boasted Master Foo and drawing his sword, he sliced at a passing fly, which promptly dropped dead in two pieces.

"That's nothing," said Master Koh. Drawing his sword, he made two deft cuts at another passing fly.

Master Foo was highly amused. "What are you talking about?" he sneered. "That fly is still flying."

"Ah yes," replied Master Koh, "but now it can never have children."



Mississippi
A bus stops and two Asian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I'm just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi."




Japanese, Indonesian, & Malaysian
Once upon a time three people were stranded out at sea - A Japanese, a Malaysian and an Indonesian. The boat started leaking and if they do not act fast they would all die.

The Japanese (as usual) was the first to take the initiative. He threw all his Japanese gizmo - CD player, hi-fi, radio etc. off the boat. The Malaysian and the Indonesian looked at him in disbelief.
The Japanese said, "Don't worry.. still got a lot more in my country.. BANZAIIIEE!"

But the boat was still sinking. The Indonesian without hesitation started throwing aboard all his baju batik, kain batik, keretek, etc., etc. He comforted the other two, "Don't worry.. still have a lot more in my country, paknya".

But still the boat was sinking. The Japanese and the Indonesian looked at the Malaysian. Suddenly, without any hesitation and with stride, the Malaysian threw the Indonesian overboard. The poor guy couldn't swim and drowned. The Japanese was shocked. Said the Malaysian, "Don't worry... still got a lot more in MY country!!!".

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.


THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

The Inexperienced Chili Taster

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey. "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off."

"Apparently, the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Shelly, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300-lb. b**** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shelly saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. The heck with those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Shelly. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.)

A Realistic Look At Job Descriptions


An ADULT is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is
now growing in the middle.

CANNIBAL Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS are the only animals you eat before
they are born and after they are dead.

A COMMITTEE is a body that keeps minutes and
wastes hours.

DUST is mud with the juice squeezed out.

An EGOTIST is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

A GOSSIP is a person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do
more damage.

A HANDKERCHIEF is cold storage.

INFLATION is cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

A MYTH is a female moth.

A MOSQUITO is an insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISINS are grape with a sunburn.

A SECRET is something you tell to one person at a time.

A SKELETON is a bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

A TOOTHACHE is the pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW is one of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

A YAWN is an honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES are something other people have. You have character lines.

A BANKER is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

An ECONOMIST is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
.
A STATISTICIAN is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.

An ACTUARY is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that
decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A PROGRAMMER is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had
in a way you don't understand.

A MATHEMATICIAN is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which
isn't there.

A TOPOLOGIST is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee
cup and a doughnut.

A LAWYER is a person who write a 10,000 word document and calls it
a "brief."

A PSYCHOLOGIST is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful
girl enters the room.

A PROFESSOR is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A SCHOOLTEACHER is a disillusioned woman
who used to think she liked children.

A CONSULTANT is someone who takes the watch
off your wrist and tells you the time.

A DIPLOMAT is someone who can tell you to
go to hell in such a way that you will look
forward to the trip.

Good Morning ladies and gentlemen, This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airlines. We apologize for the 4 days delay in taking off owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in the Bakery.
This is Flight 012 to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if Luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your village.

Punjab Airlines has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us. It is with pleasure that I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airlines staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the next of the kin. Our stewardess Bubbly will be happy to brief you on our out of court settlement.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request we can arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable we serve complimentary Tea and Biscuits. For our Religious passengers we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs we will be flying right next to the Air India Aircraft so the movie will be visible from the right side of the window.

There is no smoking in this airplane. Any smoke that you see in this cabin is the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

Life jackets are positioned under the seats and free bathing costumes are available to aunties and swimming shorts to the uncles for emergency jumps. In order to catch important land marks we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If however you would like to have a closer look do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilots sometimes flies right through the landmark.

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your seatbelts. For those of you who cannot find a seat belt fasten your own belt to the arm of your chair. And for those of you who cannot find a seat do not hesitate to get in touch with a flight attendant for your suitcase.

Sorry!! But I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cockpit. Thank you for choosing Punjab Airlines. Have a pleasant journey. " BALLE BALLE

One day a taxi driver went to Subang airport to pick up a passenger from the states. One the way to KL they pass by DAYA BUMI."Hmmmm... how long does this building needed to be built?"he ask the foreigner. "ah....three years only lah..."he answer."wat building like this one need three years ."he said.When they approach the Maybank building the tourist ask again.."how long to built this building".

By now the driver is wiser"oh only 2 years.."he said "HuH!!!.. in my country it takes only one year."the tourist inform him.When the pass by the Kl tower..he ask again"then how about this tower??" The driver said "this one is shorter....so we need only a year."Oh my god " said the american "in states it takes only 6 months".

The driver is angry now. He drove faster. When he pass by KLCC(twin tower)Again the passenger ask "wat about this skycramper here??" Squeeeeeeeek!!!. He pulled the hand brake.GEt off from the car and stare at the KLCC.

The foreigner was suprise and get off the cab The driver then said "wat the heck ..THIS BUILDING WASN'T HERE WHEN I PASS THIS ROAD AN HOUR AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

One day, a man was walking in the forest.

He shouted," God, God, are you there?"

"Yes, my dear child, I'm here!" the God replied.

"God, I want to know a few things from you," that man shouted.

"Fine, shoot."

"God what's a million dollars to you ?" He asked.

"Oh! It is like a penny," God repiled.

"Then what's a million years to you?" He asked.

"Oh! It is like a second to me."

"God, I want a favour from you."

"My dear, what is it?"

"Can you give me a million dollars?"

"Oh, sure, just a second!!"

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you
and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me
unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed
still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and
shamelessly without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you
sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any
guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched
for you, but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights
events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing,
making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for
you...you darn... mosquito!

1. Doctor's advice: Penis is the healthiest food. It comes with a
sausage accompanied by 2 eggs & a bunch of seaweed. For
exotic taste,
shake well for mayonise sause.

2. Latest news! Tom Cruise is in love with Thai princess but the
King
will not allow their marriage unless Tom Cruise changes his
name to
"Tom Yam".

3. A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look like? Mama dog reply:
"Your
papa came from behind & I didn't have chance to see his
face"!

4. Durex says to Whisper: "When you work, I lose my business for
about
7 days". Whisper replies: "If you fail to work just once, my
business
stops for 9 months !!"

5. A lady visited her doctor again. Doc said: "YoU look more sick
&
exhausted than before. ARe you having 3 meals a day as I
advised?"
Lady: "What ? I thought you said 3 males a day!"

6. A priest lost his HEN & asked during mass. "Anyone got a cock?"
All
men stood up. He said again "I mean anyone seen a cock?" All
women
stood up. He said again " I meant anyone seen my cock?" All
nuns stood
up.

7. What women think about sex:
- At age 8, ignore it
- At age 18, experience it
- At age 28, look for it
- At age 38, ask for it
- At age 48, beg for it
- At age 58, pay for it
- At age 68 , pray for it
- At age 78, forget it !

8. I want you to know that our friendship means a lot to me.
You cry, I cry.
You laugh, I laugh.
When you jump down from the window..... I look down & shout
"Confirm Si
Liao"........

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:


means a smile and this is a frown.


Well, how about some "assicons"? Here it goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) a sore ass


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around


(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass



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oo*" "*o.o*" "*o.
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o. """""" oo """"" o
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You have just been e-mooned! Send this to 5 people within the next hour and you will be blessed with people laughing at your e-mail. This is NOT a chain letter, so if you don't mail it out, you won't have bad luck. (But who wouldn't want to e-Moon a friend?)

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were drinking in a
bar one night, and decided to buy tickets in the bar's
weekly raffle. They each bought a $1 ticket.

When the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. The
brunette won the first prize, a year's supply of
gourmet spaghetti. The redhead won the second prize, a
month's supply of gourmet spaghetti. The blonde won
the booby prize, a toilet brush.

The next week they got together at the bar. The
redhead asked the others how they were enjoying their
prizes.

"Great," said the brunette, "I love spaghetti, and
this stuff is fabulous!"

"And how do you like your prize?" they asked the blonde.

"Not so good," the blonde replied, "I think I'm going
to switch back to paper."

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet
Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first
place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well:
Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering ...

Another around a long time.


On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and to comfort her.

When she ask how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny.
"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.

Most of you would have heard of the Singapore 5C's:
Car, Condo, Credit Card(Gold), Cash and Career

Heard of the 5B's?
B - BMW
B - Body
B - Brain
B - Billionaire
B - Bungalow

And, and addition with the 5K's ...
Kiasu (scared of losing)
Kiasee (scared of dying)
Kiabor (scared of wife)
Kiaboh (scared of having nothing)
Kiachenghu (scared of government)

We've been reading about the 5C's and 5K's for Singaporeans, now comes
the 5 Numerals and Malaysia's equivalent...

Singapore's "practice" for Simple Living :
1 - One Wife
2 - Two Children
3 - Three Bedroom Condo
4 - Four Wheels
5 - Five Figure Salary

Malaysia's "practice" to Simple Living:
5 - Five Children
4 - Four Wives
3 - Three Figure Salary
2 - Two Wheels
1 - One-Storey Link House

GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there
stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."Absolutely,"he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years".

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."



Ok.. im tired now.. gonna go sleep.. next time i post again..

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on
board,butunfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm
Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it
would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and
jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former
President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the
world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President." She
takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the
United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics.
And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of
the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he
takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old
schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good
person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies
"No problem your popeness, there is also a parachute for you. America's
most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag!!!!"