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Instrument Jokes
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Violin Jokes
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!
String players' motto: ``It's better to be sharp than out of tune.''
Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
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'Cello Jokes
How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
Write ``pp, espressivo''
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
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Bass Jokes
Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?
How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.
He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, ``Would you like a moment to tune?''
The bass player replied with some surprise, ``Why? Isn't it the same as last year?''
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Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house.
Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.
``Great,'' says Joe. ``You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time.''
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Harp Jokes
Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.
What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.
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Piano Jokes
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, ``If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!''
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Flute & Piccolo Jokes
How do concert band flute players change a lightbulb?
They ask their boyfriends to do it for them.
How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.
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Double Reed Jokes
How do you get 5 oboes in tune?
Shoot 4 of them.
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
What's an oboe?
It's an ill wind that nobody blows good
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Clarinet Jokes
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but it takes him forever to find just the right bulb.
What's the definition of ``nerd?''
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
People cry when you chop an onion into pieces.
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Saxophone Jokes
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
You can tune a lawnmower.
The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
The grip.
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Trumpet Jokes
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
What's the difference between a free Jazz trumpeter and a terrorist?
A terrorist has sympathisers.
Why can't gorillas play the trumpet?
Because they are too sensitive
In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.
After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, ``I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!''
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Trombone Jokes
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
Vibrato.
It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!
How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.
What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
What do you call a trombonist with a beeper?
A optimist.
What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel was on his way to a gig.
How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says ``Domino's''
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
``Year-At-A-Glance.''
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French Horn Jokes
How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Have them miss every other note.
How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.
What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.
How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
There once was a woman who had gone a long time without so much as the hope of having a relationship. When she finally picked up a handsome looking guy and went out with him, her friends were naturally curious as to how it went.
``What's he like?'' said the woman's friend the day after the big event.
``Oh, he's fine, I guess. He's a musician, you know,'' said she.
``Did he have class?'' said the friend.
The friend's ears perked up as the woman said: ``Well, most of the time, yes, but I don't think I'll be going out with him again.''
``Oh? Why not?'' asked the friend.
``Well, he plays the french horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist in my rear!''
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Tuba Jokes
What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.
What's a tuba for?
1 1/2'' by 3 1/2'' unless you request ``full cut.''
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Cornet Joke
Why are cornets smaller than trumpets?
It's not that cornets are smaller, it's that cornet players' heads are bigger.
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Percussionist Jokes
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have a machine to do it for them.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he'll break 5 of them before he figures out you can't just push them in.
Why do drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in the parade.
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
Heard backstage: ``Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!''
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Bodhran Jokes
What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A bodhran player.
What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.
What do bodhran players use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
A razor blade.
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Soprano Jokes:
If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
Who cares?
What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What do you say to a soprano at the door?
It doesn't matter what you say, she still won't know when to come in.
What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?
The lipstick.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewellery.
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Four--one to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
Stage makeup.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.
How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.
What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.
What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Gets up and goes home.
What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told ``Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing.''
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Tenor Jokes:
How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four--one to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.
What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
A tenor.
How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.
Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story)
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.
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Bass Jokes
How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
How do you tell if a bass is dead?
What's the difference?
Who cares?
In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
The ``statue'' starts looking a bit stiff.
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High School Chorus Jokes
What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.
How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.
Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
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Banjo Jokes
What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
What's the difference between a banjo and a cattle grid?
People slow down before they drive over a cattle grid.
There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: ``Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string.''
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Guitar Jokes
What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.
How do you make him stop?
Put notes on it!
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.
How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.
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Accordion Jokes
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?
What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
New bumper sticker seen: ``Use an accordion--go to jail!''
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Chang Jokes
A ``Chang'' is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as Uzbekistan). It's something like a hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal.
How long does it take to tune a chang?
Nobody knows.
Why is it so difficult to tune a chang?
So that violist can feel superior about something.
Q: How many chang players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one to decide that it's as good as it's going to get, and that they might as well flip the switch.
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Misc. Folk/Rock/Country/Blues/Popular
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
``I didn't wake up this morning...''
``Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?''
``Oh, about half a beat behind...''
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two, three, one, two, three...
Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says ``I was a jazz musician...kill me now!''
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Conductor Jokes
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just won't do.
What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.
It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!
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A musician arrived at the pearly gates.
``What did you do when you were alive?'' asked St. Peter.
``I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra''
``Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal.''
So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his baton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, ``So, what's God like as a conductor?''
``Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan.''
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It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.
None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.
He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back.
The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. ``Oh, what the heck,'' he exclaimed, ``let's ask them--what do we have to lose?''
So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked ``Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?'' The cat meowed ``I don't know, I'll try,'' but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.
``Mr. dog,'' he asked, ``do you think you can conduct?'' The dog woofed ``Let me see,'' but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement.
``Well, nice try,'' the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. ``Mr. horse,'' he asked, ``how about you--can you conduct?'' The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.
``That's it!'' the manager exclaimed, ``the concert can go on!'' However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager ``We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?''
The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied ``trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!''
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Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighborhood. One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologizing profusely he explained, ``I am blind, and didn't see you there.''
``Perfectly all right,'' said the snake, ``because I am blind, too, and did not see to step out of your way.''
A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally the snake said, ``This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?''
``Why, no,'' said the rabbit. ``Go right ahead.''
So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said, ``MMMM! You're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears! You must be a rabbit.''
``Why, that's right!'' said the rabbit. ``May I feel you?''
``Go right ahead.'' said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path.
The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew back in disgust. ``Yuck!'' he said. ``You're cold...and slimy... you must be a conductor!''
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``Mommy,'' said the little girl, ``can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?''
``Of course you can.'' her mother replied. ``How do you think conductors are made?''
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Musician Jokes
What do you call a musician without a significant other?
Homeless.
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.
What's the first thing a musician says at work?
``Would you like fries with that?''
Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. ``Tell me, what have you done in life?'' says St. Peter.
The Texan says, ``Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations.''
St. Peter says, ``That's quite something. Come on in. Next!''
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, ``I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children.''
``Wonderful!'' says Saint Peter. ``Come in. Who's next?''
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, ``Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime.''
``Heavens!'' says St. Peter. ``What instrument did you play?''
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St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, ``What did you do on Earth?''
The man says, ``I was a doctor.''
St. Peter says, ``Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?''
``I was a school teacher.''
``Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?''
``I was a musician.''
``Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen...''
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Variations on a Theme
What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.
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What's the difference between a seamstress and a soprano?
The seamstress tucks and frills.
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What's the difference between a seamstress and a french horn player?
The seamstress says ``Tuck the frills.''
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Miscellaneous
``Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour.``
--Rossini
``Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds.''
-- Mark Twain
``A critic is like a eunuch: he knows exactly how it ought to be done.''
Borodin nothing to do!!
Haydn's Chopin Liszt at Vivaldi's:
Rossini and cheese
Schumann polish
Bern-n-stein remover
Satie mushrooms
batteries (Purcell)
BeethOVEN cleaner
Hummel microwave meals
orange Schubert
TchaiCOUGHsky drops
marshMahlers
Honey-nut Berlioz
Cui-tips
Chef Boyardee Raveli
sour cream and Ives
Strauss (straws)
chocolate Webers (wafers)
Del Monteverdi corn
Mozart-rella cheese
I Can't Believe it's not Rutter
Bach of serial (opera)
chicken Balakirev
new door Handel
Golden Brahms
Clemen-TEA
Little Debussy snack cakes
Oscar Meyerbeer bologna
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Definitions:
string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.
detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.
glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.
senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.
preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else....
crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.
transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.
vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.
coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
ad libitum: a premiere.
beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.
lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.
virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)
music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.
opera: when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.
Collective noun: a plague of conductors.
When asked by the Pope (I forget which one) what the Catholic Church could do for music, Igor Stravinsky is reputed to have answered without hesitation: ``Give us back castrati!''
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Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony under the baton of Milton Katims.
Now at this point, you must understand two things:
There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews.
After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, ``Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late.''
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, ``Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other.''
So they had another round, and finally returned to the Opera house, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the basses were loaded,
and the score was tied.
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http://paul.merton.ox.ac.uk/images/viola.gif
Viola Jokes
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
The viola holds more beer.
You can tune the violin.
We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with ``solo'' above it.
How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
Mark it ``solo.''
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
What do you do with a dead violist?
Move him back a desk.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.
What's the definiton of ``perfect pitch?''
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
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http://paul.merton.ox.ac.uk/images/viola.gif
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.
Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
Why do violists leave their instruments on the dashboards of their cars?
So they can park in ``handicapped'' parking places.
Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.
How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
Who cares?
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both screw up bowings (Boeings).
What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?
Music Minus One
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What is the Range of a Viola?
As far as you can kick it.
What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
They're both offensive and inaccurate.
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http://paul.merton.ox.ac.uk/images/viola.gif
Why are violas so large?
It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small.
What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.
What is the definition of a cluster chord?
A viola section playing on the C string.
Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
All those positions!
If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?
The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.
Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it?
You could fit in at least one more.
What is the most frequent request a viola player receives?
Big Mac and Fries, please.
How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section
half a measure
a semi-tone
Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Did you hear about the violist who went to a Rave?
He asked for an 'A'.
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http://paul.merton.ox.ac.uk/images/viola.gif
Note: the following joke is very funny in German, but doesn't translate well into English.
Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?
Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.
(What are the three positions of the viola?
First position, emergency, and defeat.)
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After his retirement the violist arrived home carrying his viola case. His wife saw the case and asked ``What's that?''
(In Germany it is a standing joke that some players leave their instruments in their lockers, removing them only for rehearsals and performances.)
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A violist and a 'cellist were standing on a sinking ship. ``Help!'' cried the 'cellist, ``I can't swim!''
``Don't worry,'' said the violist, ``just fake it.''
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A violist came home and found his house burned to the ground. When he asked what happened, the police told him ``Well, apparently the conductor came to your house, and ...''
The violist's eyes lit up and he interrupted excitedly, ``The conductor? Came to my house?''
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A 'cellist and three violists walked into a restaurant. Presently a waiter came over to serve them.
``Good Evening, sir,'' he said to the 'cellist. ``And what would like tonight?''
``I'd like a rump steak, medium rare,'' replied the 'cellist.
``Would you like anything with that?''
``What do you have?''
``Salad?'' suggested the waiter.
``No, thank you,'' said the cellist.
``Potatoes?''
``Ah, no.''
``Vegetables?''
``Oh, they'll have what I'm having.''
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A viola player went to a piano recital. After the performance he went up to the pianist and said, ``You know, I particularly liked that piece you played last--the one that started with a long trill.''
The pianist said, ``Huh? I didn't play any pieces that started with trills.''
The viola player said, ``You know--[he hums the opening bars of Für Elise.]''
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A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. The conductor asked, ``What are you so upset about?''
The violist replied ''The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it's all out of tune!''
The conductor asked ``Don't you think you're overreacting?''
The violist replied ``I'm not overreacting! He won't tell me which one!''
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A violinist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the violists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several decades, and the violinist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the violist took off his jacket and went off on break. The violinist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: ``viola left hand, bow right.''
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A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was ``$79.95, but if you buy it, you can't return it for any reason.'' The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it.
As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned.
The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said ``I told you you couldn't return the stuffed rat!''
The man said ``No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed violists.''
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A viola player decides that he's had enough of being a viola player--unappreciated, all those silly jokes. So he decides to change instruments.
He goes into a shop, and says, ``I want to buy a violin.''
The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says, ``You must be a viola player.''
The viola player is astonished, and says, ``Well, yes, I am. But how did you know?''
``Well, sir, this is a fish-and-chip shop.''
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An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestra manager asked everyone in the orchestra whether they could step in and conduct, and the only person who was willing was the last chair violist.
The manager was very nervous about this. ``We can't audition you,'' he said.
``No problem,'' replied the violist.
``There's no time to rehearse. You'll have to do the concert cold.''
``I know. It'll be all right.''
The violist conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Since the conductor remained ill for the duration of the tour, the violist conducted all of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one.
At the next rehearsal, the conductor had recovered, and the violist took his place at the back of the viola section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked him ``Where've you been for the last two weeks?''
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Once there was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.
``For letting me out of my lamp I'll grant you three wishes!'' he said.
The violist thought for a moment and replied, ``Make me a far better musician than I am now.''
The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep, and in the morning he would be a much better musician. The next day he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the Symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again, and out popped the genie.
``You have two more wishes!'' he said.
``I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!''
Once again, the genie told him to go to bed, and when he woke up it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again, and once more out came the genie.
``This is your last wish.'' the genie said.
``I want you to make me yet a better musician still!''
Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.
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A violist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The violist took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: ``If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?''
The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said ``Sure.''
The violist guessed ``You have 287 sheep,'' to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had.
The violist got all excited and asked ``Can I pick out my sheep now?'' and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The violist selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.
The shepherd then got an idea and asked ``If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?'' The violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed ``You're a violist, aren't you?''
The violist was very surprised and asked, ``How did you know?''
The shepherd responded, ``Put the dog down and we'll talk about it.''
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A man (call him Horace) went on a safari in darkest Africa with a bunch of other people and some native guides. They traveled on foot, going deep into the jungle where they could hear the screeching of birds and howling of wild cats and other fierce wild animals.
After a few days of travel, Horace came to notice that there was a constant drumming noise in the background. He asked the leader of the guides what the drumming was. He got no answer, just a stony silence. The drumming continued all day and all night for the next several days. In fact, as they traveled deeper into the jungle the drumming got even louder. Horace tried again to find out what the drumming meant by asking the other native guides, but he still got no answer.
Finally one morning, after days of marching to this drumming (which by now was sounding quite ominous), the drums suddenly stopped. The native guides screamed and ran into the jungle to hide in the undergrowth. The leader remained behind with his charges, but he was trembling with fear. Horace asked ``What is wrong? Why have the drums stopped?''
The native guide replied ``Very bad.''
``What?'' asked Horace, who was expecting the worst.
The guide answered ``When drum stops, very bad--next comes viola solo
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For Sale
Viola: German, 19th century, 405mm. Excellent condition. Recently tuned.
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Entry Exam For the BBC Sympathy Orchestra--Viola Players
The pass mark is 10% but be careful--over 45% and you are overqualified.
Who wrote the following:
a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6
b) Fauré's Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle
[5 pts.]
Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other five.
[5 pts.]
Explain ``counterpoint'' or write your name on the reverse of the paper.
[10 pts.]
Which of the following would you tuck under your chin?
a) a timpani
b) an organ
c) a 'cello
d) a viola
[1 pt.]
Can you explain ``sonata form''? (Answer yes or no.)
[5 pts.]
Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi opera?
a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton
[5 pts.]
Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument?
[5 pts.]
Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first.
a) Quickly
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace
[4 pts.]
Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance?
[5 pts.]
Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?
a) Des O'Connor
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
d) Terry Wogan
[5 pts.]
Which of the following is the odd one out?
a) Sir Colin Davis
b) Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
d) Desmond Lynam
[5 pts.]
Arrange the following words into the name of a well known Puccini opera.
Bohème, La
[5 pts.]
Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz?
[5 pts.]
From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
a) Venezuela
b) Sri Lanka
c) Germany
d) Japan
[5 pts.]
For what town were Haydn's ``Paris'' Symphonies written?
[5 pts.]
Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky
b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) Ten Green Bottles -- anon.
[5 pts.]
From which song do the following lines come?
``God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble Queen.''
[5 pts.]
Spell the following musical terms.
allegro
rallentando
crotchet
pizzicato
intermezzo
[5 pts.]
Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera?
[5 pts.]
Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation for a well known British broadcasting corporation.
C, B, B.
[5 pts.]
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And finally...
What do you call a person who makes viola jokes?
A person who can't play
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Bedside Manners
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.
"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
"I think you're bad luck."
