Blondes - Jokes, Humor, Pics

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Doc, It Hurts All Over


A woman explains to the doctor, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts."

The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blonde, aren't you?"

The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"

The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

How Should I Know?
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife, a blonde, picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"

Good Secretary
The blonde secretary was leaving the office when she saw the CEO standing by the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," the CEO said, "this is a very important document. Do you know how this thing works?"
The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Great," the CEO said as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I need just one copy."

Mirror, Mirror
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

Ice Fishing
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right gear, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
Then from the heavens a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut another hole in the ice.
Again the voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, "Is that You, Lord?"
The voice answered, "NO. IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."


Timex and Rolex.
A blonde named her two dogs Timex and Rolex. A friend asked why she named them that. "Well, duh," she replied, "because they're watchdogs, of course."

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Not at all tasty. Doctor's true story.
I was caring for a blonde woman in the hospital and asked, "So, how was your breakfast this morning?"
"It was very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I asked if I could see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Selling a Car
A blonde was trying to sell her old car but wasn't having any luck because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she mentioned this to a friend. Her friend told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "I've just gotta sell it."
"Okay," said the friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell it."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, her friend asked her, "Well, did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

Painting a Room


A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart and capable by painting a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she buys paint and rollers and gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive odor of fresh paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies "yes."

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house by herself.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she read the directions on the paint can and they said....

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."


Mail Check
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his pretty blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'."

17 Days
Two young blonde women are sitting at a table in a coffe shoppe in such an obviously celebratory mood that a man drifts over intending to offer to buy them something to drink. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!" Smiling, the man says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"

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Cheating Boyfriend
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes about and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

The Blonde and the Shepard
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably totally amazed and exclaimned, "You're right. Okay. I will keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful then the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Heads or Tails
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour," she explained, "but now I'm rechecking my answers."

State Capitals
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."

Pregnant Pause
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

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Car Wreck
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Why, yes officer I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" The blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."


Robbed!
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND cop!"

Ventriloquist Dummy
Morris, a ventriloquist, is doing a show at a local club. With the dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourh row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype a woman that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and reaching our full potential as a person, just because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general! And all in the name of so-called humor!"
Morris is shocked. He begins to apologize when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to the little jerk on your knee."

Dented Car
A blonde was driving home one night and got caught in the middle of a real bad hail storm. With hailstones as big as golf balls, her car got dented up pretty badly.
The next day, she took it to a body shop. The owner, noticing that she was blonde, decided to have some fun and told her she could save some money if, when she got home she would blow real hard in the tailpipe, and the dents would pop out.
When she got home, she started blowing into the tailpipe and her blonde girlfriend saw her. Her friend was startled and asked, "What are you doing?" So the first girl told her friend what the body shop guy had told her to do.
Her girlfriend says, "You dumb blonde! You need to roll up the windows first."


Roe vs. Wade
The professor teaching an American History asked a blonde in the class what she knew about the Roe vs. Wade decision.
She pondered this weighty question and finally answered, "I think that is the decision that George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."

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Winning at Lotto
A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this........... 'Buy a ticket.'"

Drive-In Movie
Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at adrive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

Questions About Blondes

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said "Concentrate."

Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: Why do blondes have "TGIF" on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How do you put a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

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Stranded
Three friends; a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stranded on a desolate island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp.
They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."


Golf and Tennis
A man got on a bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls.
A blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets,
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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Cruise Bargain
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, see the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

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Flying Blonde
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry". . . gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

Honest Mechanic
One blonde related to another, "I was so worried that the garage mechanic might try to rip me off. But then I was relieved when he told me that all I needed was turn signal fluid."