More Joke

A white woman walks into a sex shop and approaches the counter.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" The clerk answers,
"$35" She then asks, "How much for the black one?" "$35 for
the black one too", replies the clerk.

"I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one
before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much
for the black dildo?" $35 comes the response. And how much for
the white one?" "$35" he replies again.

"Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white
one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks,
"How much are your dildos?" "$35 for the white, $35 for the
black."

"Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" asked
the Blonde.

"Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $85."

She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one,
I've never had a plaid one before." She pays him, and off she
goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do
while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did
really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I
sold your thermos for $85!"

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from
his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself
in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist
colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture
to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but
accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong
half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight
is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.

It says..... "Thank you for the picture. You should change
your hair style....it makes your nose look too short!"

The young man went to the doctor, complaining of an awful lisp. Giving
him a thorough examination, the doctor determined that his problem was
the size of his member: It was so large that it was actually pulling his
tongue off center.

Performing an emergency operation, the physician shortened the organ and
sent the man on his way. Several weeks later, the patient returned,
complaining that while his lisp was gone, his sex life had also gone
down the tubes, "I'd like my penis back," he said mournfully.


At this, the doctor looked him straight in the eye and said, "Thcrew you."

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides.

During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.

The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK.....

12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday

One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country.
He hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along
the big highway for a while, then got off and drove along a
very rural dirt road in the middle of farm country. After a
while, he came across a farmer who was out in the fields,
driving a tractor. Funny thing was, the farmer didn`t seem to
be wearing any pants.

"Hey farmer, how come you`re not wearing any pants?" "Well,
city boy, th` other day I went out a-workin` in the fields, an`
I plum fergot t` wear mah shirt. Got back to th` house that
night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board.

Now this here`s mah wife`s idea."

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides.

During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.

The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"

Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.

When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"

The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited
in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he
realised that he desparately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be
excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to
be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate
and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to
where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find
it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on
his way.

Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and
says to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at
the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they
both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks
Tommy "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his
reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver
in it....
Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so
slowly?"

Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name
of the highway you're on!"

Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thank's for letting me know, Ill be
more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car,
where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back
there? They're shaking something aweful."

Blonde: "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.

While walk Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.

Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men."

"Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded

One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.

Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:

"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

An old man went to town and on his way home he sat to rest. An old friend
walking by recognized the old man and stopped to inquire about how he was
doing."

I just bought a three bedroom, one and a half bath, brick home. And, I more
recently remarried to a blonde, 30 years my junior. Then the old man
suddenly burst out into an uncontrollable sob followed by big crocodile
tears.

"What's the matter? the friend asked, with all your good fortune lately what
have you got to cry about?

The old man replies, "I forgot where I lived!"

A woman passenger in a horse-drawn cab has offered the driver
a large tip if he can deliver her to her destination in a
hurry. However, she is horrified at the cruel whipping the
driver is giving the horse to make him go faster.

"My good man, is there no other way you could urge the horse
along?" she asks.

"Yessum," the cab driver cheerfully replies, "but, I've got
to save his balls for the hill!"

Phone Company Gives Something for Nothing

Dear Ann,

I think I can top the person who wrote complaining about the idiocy of the phone company. Talk about garbage in, garbage out!

When AT&T split with Bell, we had three phones in our house. The equipment belonged to Ma Bell and the service belonged to AT&T. After we returned all the phone equipment to Ma Bell, we received a bill for $0.00. A few weeks later, we received a check for $5 and a note thanking us. Several months later, we received another computerized bill for $0.00. We called again, got nowhere, so we sent another check for $0.00. A few weeks later we received another $5 refund with the same thank you.

This went on every three months for two years. Now we are down to once a year and have given up trying to straighten this out. We just cash the $5 and forget about it.

-- Linda K. R. in California

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they
had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure
out what was wrong.

As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the
sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the
altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since the man was a
fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to try and
mess with the lady's mind.

In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus.
Your prayers will be answered."

The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying
her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and
tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers
will be answered!"

Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath
of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS
CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"

The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR
MOTHER!"

This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:

All signs metric
Next 20 miles

Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey
seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his
time thinking about sex and girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a
solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his
Father."

According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

The "Environmental Engineering News" published some rather sobering information about punishment for drunk driving convictions in other countries.

In Australia, the names of drunk drivers are printed in newspapers under the caption, "He's drunk and in jail."

In Malaysia the driver is jailed and, if married, the spouse is jailed.

In the United Kingdom, Finland and Sweden there's an automatic jail term of one year.

In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven twenty miles out of town and forced to walk back ten miles.

In Bulgaria, a second drunk-driving conviction results in capital punishment.

In El Salvador, your first offense is your last -- execution by firing squad.

From the August Road & Track.

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, 'Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?'

The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'

On Saturday last, I had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant. My fortune read:

"You will gain admiration from your pears."

Comice? Bartlett? Canned? I don't grow or eat them, anyway.

LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14:

According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members.

Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.

Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's 150th anniversary.

Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities.

A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school.

couple of good one in here ..

cheers
karma

In Denver, marijuana's been legalized, but it's forbidden by the federal government. i heard a lot of the stuff has truth serum in it. shit if you cant lie, u cant just go kill somebody without going hysterical or suicidal about it. People in denver are living in a comfortable standard of energy. In phoenix arizona, a lot of dickheads will do anything to turn people against each other. Employees blackmail employers. I'm mad that i agreed to a lease here.

what'll get you snatched from reality by a mad pakistani mom of 7? making dead baby jokes

Yay.. Come cool jokes :D

thx for fun