Jokes time buddies.....

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live
on!"

===============================

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my
husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see
what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me
up!"

===================================

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his
wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and
replied, "You're never home!"

=================================

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his
"manhood" was mangled and tornfro m his body. His doctor assured him
that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his
insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered
cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small,
$6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor
urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking
dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the
doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

======================================


WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

=================================

WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will
make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the
bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back
in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

> Lesson One:
>
> An eagle was sitting on a tree resting.
> A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him:
> "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
> The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
> So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
> sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>
> ** Management Lesson:
> To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
> **
>
> Lesson Two:
>
> A turkey was chatting with a bull.
> "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the
> turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
> "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
> "They're packed with nutrients."
> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
> enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
> The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
> Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the
> tree.
> Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
>
> ** Management Lesson:
> Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. **
>
> Lesson Three:
>
> A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
> froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a
> cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
> the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was
> actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began
> to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
> investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
> pile of cow dung, promptly dug him out and ate him.
>
> ** Management Lesson:
> 1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
> 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
> 3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut. ***

WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND Wakka Wakka

1. You can stare at any Girl.......
Yowza

2. You don't have to spend money on her. Accountant

3. You won't get boring result in ur papers. Office Romance

4. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a
girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one to be a cool guy loves .

Boys Night Out

5. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring

Waiting





5. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.

Insane

6. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore.

Castaway

7. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.
Present

8. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters.No more endless waiting for ur date to
arrive at some weird shop\place
Student Head Explodes
9. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them
High Five

10. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.

Angel 2

11. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.
Sleeping

12.You wont have to fight over having a 'special' freind with ur folks.
Thumbs Up



13. No nonstop nonsense.
Blah Blah Blah

14. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.

Crying 2

15. No more tension.
The Thinker

16. You can be "urself"

Sprinkler

17. You wont have to hide your telephone bills...

Cell Phone Bill

So Try to AVOID Girl Friends in your Life...! Will You?????

Hope you enjoy these my friend...
[1] Dear Mr. President: .
How much money does the president make? Could you please write and tell me because if it isn't enough money then I will become a dentist. .
Timothy U., age 7. Jamestown, NY
.
[2] Dear Mr. President: .
Do you have any friends in Congress? My Mom says your only friend is the vice-president. .
Richard D., age 8, Greenwich, CT
.
[3] Dear Mr. President: .
Someday I hope there will be a woman president. But not my sister. She will drive everybody crazy----the Democrats and Republicans.
A citizen, Lawrence K., age 8, Atlanta, GA

[4] Dear Mr. President: .
What is your favorite book? My Mom said it is the Bible because you have to pray a lot..
Kimberly W., age 8, Meriden, CT
.
[5] Dear President Bush: .
Can you help with the weather in Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not even the president can do anything about the weather. I hope she is wrong. We need more sunshine in Seattle. .
Elizabeth P., age 8, Seattle, WA
.
[6] Dear Mr. President: .
What does Congress do all day? My dad told me that Congress doesn't do anything but make trouble. .
Ralph N., Palm Beach, FL.

[7] Dear Mr. President: .
Do you go to church on Sunday? I hope so because my mother says our country needs all the help we can get from God. .
Melissa, Age 9, La Fayette, IN
.
[8] Dear Mr. President: .
I hope I can be president someday but my mother says first I should get a real job and work. .
Jerome F., age 7, New York, NY
.
[9] Dear Mr. President: .
I think you won the election because you were a better speaker even if a lot of people didn't know what you were talking about. .
Tracey O., age 10, Green Valley, AZ

[10] Dear Mr. President: .
My girlfriend Betsy and I would like to get married in the White House when we get married someday. We will be married in 20 years. .
Peter N., age 7, Bismarck, ND

[11] Dear President Bush: .
What size shoes do you wear? My grandfather died last month and he left a lot of shoes and my brother and I would like to send you and the vice-president a pair of shoes. Do you like brown shoes or black shoes? We will shine the shoes before we send them to you. .
Joey P., age 8, Erie, PA

[12] Dear Mr. President: .
I knew you would win the election when my best friend Amy said you would lose. Amy is always wrong. .
Julie P., age 9, Exeter, RI
.
[13] Dear Mr. President: .
On TV you didn't answer some questions because you said the answer was classified. Can I classify my answers? I got into trouble when I admitted I broke something I shouldn't have touched. If I could say the answer if classified, I wouldn't be in trouble. .
Martin J., age 9, Philadelphia, PA

[14] Dear Mr. President: .
My girlfriend Alyssa is a Republican and I am a Democrat. Someday we may get married. Can a Democrat marry a Republican and be happy? I am 12 and my girlfriend is 11. We would like your answer before we are 18. Thank you, .
Ryan C., age 12, Philadelphia, PA

[15] Dear Mr. President: .
I've been practicing piano for two years and I hate it and I am awful. My mom said President Nixon played piano. Did you play piano because President Nixon did? I think two years of being a bad player is enough. Please write my mom and tell her. She likes you most of the time. .
Melissa E., age 10, Shaker Heights, OH

[16] Dear Mr. President:
And finally a young man who is wise beyond his years.....Someday if we have a woman president we will need more closets in the White House so the president will have room for all her clothes. My mom has three closets and my sister has two closets and my dad and my brother and I have to share closets. .
Michael P., age 8, San Diego,Ca

HEY DUDE ....

PLEASE SEND YOUR ALL JOKES IN ONE THRED .... DON'T USE NEW TOPIC FOR EVERY POST...

plz give a topic for all my posts so i will post everything in one THREAD .

Hiiiii



One day a father and his rich family took his son to a trip to the country
with the firm purpose to show him how poor people can be.



They spent a day and a night in the farm of a very poor family.
"Son, How was the trip?", father asked after the trip.

"Very good Dad!"



"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.

"Yeah!", the son smiled.



"And what did you learn?"

The son answered,



"I saw that we have a dog at home,
and they have four......

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden,
they have a creek that has no end .....



We have imported lamps in the garden,

they have the stars....

Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole horizon."



When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless.



His son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are!"

> It's cool,......
>
> In some remote village of India, one masterji is
> teaching the Mahabharat katha to class 6 students.
> He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.
>
> Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his
> sister's 8th child is going to kill him. He was
> furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind
> the bars. First son is born, and kansa kills him by
> poisoning... Second one is born n kansa throws him
> off the mountain peak. Third one is born..."
>
> Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his
> hand. Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n
> confused)
>
> Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have
> doubt in mahabharata then how come u have one?"
>
> Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th
> child was going to Kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE
> PUT
> VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?
>
> Masterji fainted.........................
>

Good One
One day Lord shiva decided to visit the earth and try some alcohol. So he changed his get-up and went to a bar in Delhi and asked the bartender : "What all do u have".
Bartender : "We have whisky, rum, vodka, gin, beer etc etc.".
Lord Shiva: "Let's try whisky first, give me 5 bottles of whisky".
After having 5 bottles of whisky, Lord shiva decided to try Rum.
Bartender was shocked :"Who is this man, after having 5 bottles of whisky, he is still on his feet".
After having 5 bottles of Rum, Shiva decided to have beer. After having 40 bottles of beer, he asked the bartender for Gin. Bartender couldn't stop himself asking him : "Sir, who are you?? I ve seen people getting drunk after having 4 glasses of whisky, and you've almost had 50 bottles and you are still on your feet, who are you"???
Lord Shiva : "VATS, Hum Bhagwaan Shiv hain".
Bartender : AB CHADHI ISKO!!!

E-MAIL

I still recall the three-cent stamp, and phone calls for a dime,
And I remember that before E-Mail I had more time,



But somehow now, with anxious fingers I can't wait to see
Exciting things that my Inbox has waiting there for me.



I turn on my Computer, click the Icon for the Net,
And when I type my password in, my E-Mail I can get.



My messages sometimes are funny, and sometimes they're sad.
Oft times they are informative, with news that makes me glad.



Some days I laugh my head off, and some other days I grieve,
But each new message seems just like a gift that I receive.



I'm not confessing just how often, or how long I spend
Receiving, clicking, viewing, typing messages to send;



And I am sure before E-Mail, I got a lot more done.
But I must still admit that NOW.....I HAVE A LOT MORE FUN

STRANGE BUT TRUE


· Your body is creating and killing 15 million red blood cells per second!


· The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache on a standard playing card!


· The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion in Renaissance Florence to shave them off!

· The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad!

· Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!


· Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia!


· The Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts three naked men with their hands on each other's shoulders!


· A violin contains about 70 separate pieces of wood!


· Most lipstick contains fish scales!


· The first product to have a bar code was Wrigleys gum!

· No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half!




· A crocodile always grows new teeth to replace the old teeth!


· The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!

· Clinophobia is the fear of beds!

· A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second!


· The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds!


· Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

· The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old!


· A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.!


· In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons!

Hi All,

This is the Software life …………….

You cry as much as you can, but nobody to hear you.

There are 2 persons always next to you :

1 – The PM(Project Manager), giving a pleasant smile every time we see him/HER.

2 – The TL(Team Leader), busy in scheduling work for us ….. and busy in his world

@ the centre its we (Software engineers), who struggles with all the Bugs/ PR's/CR's/Issues.



The perfect picture is Given Below ......

Scroll Down .................................





{ Team leader -- Developer -- PM. }
http://img397.imageshack.us/img397/3993/qwe8rc.jpg

Hi,

Read This , if you have been in software industry too long these are your

symptoms:



1.) U use phrases like "No issues" and "Value addition" in

everyday parlance. For e.g. When talking about your doodhwalla, U say, "His

milk does zero value
addition to my health but he is the only guy around so

no issues"









2.) Ur prime source of entertainment is the forwards send to U

by friends whose faces U cant remember.









3.) U drink more tea or coffee than water.









4.) U keep trying to shut down ur home computer by pressing

Ctrl+Alt+Del (used to lock office comps)









5.) When ur mobile rings at home, U rush
outside to receive

thecall.









6.) When U make calls at home, U accidentally dial "0"to get an

outside line.









7.) U haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.









8.) Ur last crush was a girl in HR, ur current crush is the new

girl in HR and all ur crushes in the future willbe girls in HR.









9.) U spend the entire day reading forwards, smoking
cigarettes,

drinking tea/coffee and playing T.T. and then complain about the late

working hours.









10.) Ur important 'meetings' usually comprise two or three

people max, including yourself.









11) U secretly prepare for CAT only to find ur PL sitting

behind you at the exam.









13.) U keep pressing Ctrl+Enter wondering why your gmail is not

going.









14.) U email ur mate who works at the desk next to U.









15.) As U read this list, U r thinking of sending it to ur

friends who are
also in IT.









16.)U r too busy to notice there was no line no. 12









17.)U r not sure so u scroll back check it .









18.)And now u r smiling!!!!

� Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

� Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

� As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

� I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

� At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!

� Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing

� Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

� I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

� Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

� If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!

� Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

� Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

� Keep talking; someday you'll say something intelligent!

� Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

� Don't think, it may sprain your brain!

� Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.

� He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.

� He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!

� You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.

� He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar territory

� He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

� He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!

� He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?

� He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

� He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

� He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

� How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!

SARDARJI JOKES



Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
He writes a note and sticks it 2 pole "Thanks 4 d complement"


How do you recognize a Sardar in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher
erases the board.


Once a Sardhar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so. He Replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.

A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.

'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'
___________________________________

One fine morning, Ravan felt guilty for all his bad deeds.
He felt that he should go and apologise to Ram for all the problems he had caused.
So he went to Ram's house and knocked on the door.
Ram opened the door and was surprised to find Ravan standing there.
Ravan just kept staring and thinking but didn't say a word.

What was he thinking?
Scroll Down to see answer...

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" Kis mooh se maafi maangoon?

Do we need some extra information to get the joke???

WOMAN has MAN in it .

SHE has HE in it.

Mrs. has Mr. in it.

LADY has LAD in it.

MISTERESS has MISTER in it.

MADAM has ADAM in it.

HOSTESS has HOST in it.

FEMALE has MALE in it

and so on the list is never ending

SO NO need to be proud ....Girls

YOU are always incomplete without
Boys....ha ha ha

malone568 what do you mean i can't get it.
do u find something horrible in my pst.reply that too.those things are always welcomed

I don't know if it has been already posted . if it so plz do ignore and forgive me . it is just fun here

1. First exciting, and then boring.

2. Accessories make them look better.

3. The slimmer, the better.

4. Time makes you take to new ones.

5. They are annoying, but you feel sorry without them.

.6. You feel less comfortable with good-looking ones, and vice versa

7. Those that are good-looking and comfortable cost you a fortune.

8. And they belong to the capable.

9. You can have more than one at a time, if you are able to deal with them.

10. Sometimes they turn dangerous.

11. The more pleasure you get, the more they cost.

12. You don't want to share them with others.

Supporting an user of PC
..
..
Bill Gates:
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not
Bill Gates, damn it!
..
..
CD in drive:
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD
player and all I get is weird noises. Listen!
Tech support: OK, I see Aaaa!
..
..
White comp
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
..
..
Disk Out:
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk. So......rry....
..
..
Left:
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
..
..
Printer:
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every
time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he
can't find it...
..
..
Color:
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Oh.....h....................thank you.
..
..
On Monitor:
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
..
..
Keyboard:
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work
..
..
Capital 7
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
..
..
Password:
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
..
..
Anti-virus:
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
..
..
Screen Saver:
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
..
..
@:
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I
get the circle around it?
..
..
Window Software:
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."
..
..
Pee for P:
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Tech support: Oh........what I am going to do!
..

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!





1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.

Make sure you pass this on to your friends...

They won't be able to either...

_______________________________________________

I couldn't stop making this comparison..


inches of rain in new orleans due to hurricane katrina... 18
inches of rain in mumbai (July 27th).... 37.1


population of new orleans... 484,674
population of mumbai.... 12,622,500


deaths in new orleans within 48 hours of katrina...100
deaths in mumbai within 48hours of rain.. 37.


number of people to be evacuated in new orleans... entire
city..wohh
number of people evacuated in mumbai...10,000


Cases of shooting and violence in new orleans...Countless
Cases of shooting and violence in mumbai.. NONE


Time taken for US army to reach new orleans... 48hours
Time taken for Indian army and navy to reach mumbai...12hours


status 48hours later...new orleans is still waiting for relief,
army and electricty
status 48hours later..mumbai is back on its feet and is business is
as usual


USA...world's most developed nation
India...third world country..


oopss...did i get the last fact wrong???

wait 'n watch
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My dear FAIR and LOVELY (ek chand ka tukda), you are my TVS SCOOTY (first love) and my AIWA (pure passion). I always BPL (believe in the best) and you are SANSUI (better than the best). You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (delivering a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (seriously fresh) feeling for me. I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ! CALIBE! R (the unshakable) and my father who is CEAT (born tough), but don't worry as I am also FORD ICON (The josh machine) and rest of our family members are pretty KELVINATORS (the coolest ones). If our fathers say no, we will run away and marry, and PHILIPS (let's make things better).

Improving Vocabulary

An unmarried young teacher had just finished reading a story to the sixth-grade class. She decided to check the student's knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used.

"Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" she asked.

Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand.

After a few more silent moments, she decided to give them a hint : "Adolescent - it's something all of you are, and I am not. What I am not?"

Finally Little millie tentatively raised her hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgin?”

One More

The men, they are vain, they check themselves out once in a mirror in a bathroom.

Oh and women, boy they are ridiculous, they will check out frequently their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store windows, glass surface. They even will not leave out bald guys heads.

And you thought women prefer baldies for their sex appeal.

Hi all,
Just read this one

While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He
asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to
surround himself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says Kalam. "Allow me to
demonstrate."

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister,
please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has
a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says Kalam. He hangs up and
says,"Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a
lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to
Washington,decides he'd better put Condoleeza Rice to the test.

Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleeza, I wonder if you
can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to
you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over
the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and
this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers
immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and
exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin
Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, its Manmohan Singh!"

This is what Project Boys think of themselves .......be it Construction or
even the IT field......or commerce ......just have a
read................!!!!

Laws of Projects and Teams

Law 1 : The good looking babes always join the other projects.

Law 2 a : Your project is always an ALL - MALE team.

COROLLARY

Law 2 b : The female joining your project is always very bad looking.


Law 3 : A Good looking girl joins that project which already has the
maximum number of good looking girls.

Law 4 : Do not make the mistake of calling any girl in your project bad
looking; because if and when the new girls joins, you start repenting your
previous statement, start calling the previous one good looking, your
tension increases and you lose your sleep and hair.

Law 5 : Bad looking girls do not come singly; they come in pairs.

Law 6 : And in the remote case that a good looking girl does join your
project the following scenarios are likely:
She is married
She is engaged
She has a boyfriend
She is not that "type"
Law 7 : Do not think that you are the most frustrated person in the
project; there is always some one more frustrated than you.

One night 4 MBA students were boozing till late night
and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for
the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made
themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with
grease and dirt.

They then went up to the dean and said that they had
gone out to a wedding last night and on their return
the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the
car all the way back and that they were in no
condition to appear for the test.

Then dean was a just person so he said that you can
have the retest after 3 days.

They said they will be ready by that time. On the
third day they appeared before the dean. The dean said
that this was a special condition test.

All four were required to sit in separate classrooms
for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared
well in the last three days. The test consisted of 2
questions with total of 100 marks.

Q1. Write down your name. ----- (2 marks)

Q2. Which tyre burst? ------- (98 marks)!!!

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One should love animals
They are so tasty.

Love thy neighbor
But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is one woman
and behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry
after all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Money is not everything
There's MasterCard & Visa.

Wise men never marry
and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term
It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop

A good discussion is like a miniskirt
Short enough to pertain interest and
long enough to cover the subject

Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause children

Your future depends on your dreams
So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a
day than waking up every morning

"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"
So what? Who's in a hurry?

"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk! (I don't want to be an exception!)

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company,
three's the result!

A dress is like a barbed fence
It protects the premises without restricting the view

Hi Friends..





One politician, one thief & One Programmer died & went straight to hell.

Politician said "I miss my country. I want to call my country and see how
everybody is doing there."

She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked "Well, devil how
much do I need to pay for the call????

The devil says "Five million dollars".

The Politician wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.

Thief was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the my
group members, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"

He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well, devil how
much do I need to pay for the call????

The devil says "Ten million dollars".

With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his
chair.

Programmer was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call my IT
friends too",

He called other IT person and he talked for twenty hours about various
technologies and Project Managers, he talked & talked & talked, then he
asked "Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call????

The devil says "Twenty dollars".

Programmer is stunned & says "Twenty dollars??? Only ??"

Devil says
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scroll down
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"Calling hell to hell is local"


Now Get Back to hell again :)) !!!

Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a
natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being
the procurement of
a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large
vessel, the exact size
of which was unspecified.
One member of the
team precipitously descended, sustaining severe
damage to the upper
cranial potion of his anatomical structure;
subsequently the second
member of the team performed a self rotational
translation oriented in
the same direction taken by the first team
member.




Scroll down
for answer :......( in simple English what does this translate???)
























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more.....









Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch apail of water
Jack fell down
and broke his crown and
Jill came tumbling after!!!.......................:)

Why We Should Drink BEER ???



"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered." Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And The Best Reason

"Well you see, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

~ Cliff Clavin

If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a new style...

If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident...

If a doctor makes a mistake,
It's an operation...

If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture...

If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation...

If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law...

If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention...

If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion...

If a teacher makes a mistake ,
It is a new theory...

If our boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake...

If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a "MISTAKE"

Dear Friends,

Banta is at home watching the India-Sri Lanka cricket match when his wife Jasbir interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the bathroom? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a Phillips logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kelvinator written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Balwant Carpenter written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going out.!!!"

So he goes to the nearby dance bar and drinks for a couple hours, watches a few dances, burns up a few bucks.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Sweetheart, how'd this all get fixed?"

Jasbir said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then Santa Singh asked me what was wrong, and I told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or make him a nice chicken dish."

Banta said, "So, what kind of dish did you make him?"

Jasbir replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Sanjiv Kapoor's Cookery book written on my forehead?"

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. Man says "Chin Yu Yan" and dies. Sardar goes to China to find meaning of friends last words. It is "you're standing on the oxygen tube!!"

A sardar went to a bank to open a S.B. A/C. After seeing the Form, he had gone to DELHI for filling up. U know why? Form says " FILL UP IN CAPITAL ".

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after every 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up - we must find & stop her!

Sardar: Why are all these people running?
Man: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar: If only the winner will get the cup, why others are running?

Sardar had twins; he named them Tin & Martin. Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater. Again twins & named Max & Climax.Again the same.
Disgusted Sardar named them TIRED & RETIRED!

A sardharji photographer focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function.
Suddenly all relatives beat him. Why? He said "SMILE PLEASE"

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "you will go to jail".

Sardar gets ready ,wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Sardar: "I've been promoted as branch manager."

Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth.........WHY? Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light".

Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure also what to be filled in column "Salary Expected". After much thought he wrote : Yes!

One sardarji Professor asked a plumber to come to his college. U know why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

Santa! Your daughter has died! Depressed, Sardar jumps from 100thfloor. At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter! At 25th floor: I'm unmarried!
At 10th floor: I'm Banta not Santa

On a romantic date Sardar's girl friend asks him "Darling on our
engangement will you give me a ring? He said "Ya, sure what's your phone number?

A dog was chasing a Sardar and the Sardar was laughing.
A bystander: why are u laughing?
Sardar: I have an Aitel phone but still Hutch network is following me.

Sardar wins 20 crore from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11 crore after
deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 crore or else return my 20 Rs
back.!

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket
match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote "DUE TO RAIN,
NO MATCH!"

Postman:- I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet.
Sardar:- why did u come so far? Instead u could have posted it....

What does a sardar do after taking a xerox?
He will compare it with the original for any spelling mistakes.

Sardar and his wife buy coffee in a shop. Sardar says: Drink quickly.
Wife asks: why?? Sardar says: hot coffee Rs5 and cold coffee Rs10.

Sardar's wish: when i die, i wanna to die like my grandpa who died
peacefuly in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car
he was driving....

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you
call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!

Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.

Flash news: A two seater plane crashed in a Graveyard in Punjab. Local
sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..

A man asked Sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the
morning. Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.

A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective novels, but he always
started reading from the middle. A friend of his asked why he did so? "It'z
doubly interesting", said the
Sardar. "to start from the middle keeps one curious not only about its
conclusion but also about its beginning.

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. His wife
asked: what you are doing? He said: i'm seeing how i look while sleeping.






There was a Sardarji (HARMEET SINGH) who was down on his luck.

In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for
ransom.

He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told
him, "I've kidnapped you.

" HARMEET then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid.

Tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the
mango tree on the north side of the city playground". Signed: "A Sardarji".

HARMEET then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show
it to his parents.

The next morning the HARMEET checked, and sure enough a paper bag was kept
beneath the mango tree.

The boy was sitting next to the bag. HARMEET opened up the bag and found
the Rs.2,00,000 in cash with a note saying:

"How can a sardarji do this to a fellow Sardarji? Take the money, and
Please leave my son." Signed: Another Sardarji

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!!"

A young couple married, and celebrated their first night together doing what
newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. In the morning, the groom
goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he gets out of the shower. He
asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the
bathroom door, he opens the door, exposing his body for the first time to
his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at
about midway, they stopped.

She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He,
also shy, thought for a minute and said, "Well, that's what we had so much
fun with last night."

She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"



"It takes a minute to have a crush an hour to like someone and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone" Be in touch..