joke time buddies(PART 2)

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?


YOU'VE GOT TO READ THIS...IT IS PRICELESS!!!

(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)


Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like, "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

A man goes into the dentist's office to get a bad tooth pulled.
As he opening his mouth and the dentist is about to drill, he
asks how long the procedure will take.
"Five minutes," the dentist proudly states. "You'll be out of
here before you know it, and won't feel a thing - the local will
last 10 minutes."
"And how much is this costing again?" the man asks.
"$190" the dentist states plainly.
"Geesh," the man grumbled, "it's a crime to be able to hold a
man captive for five minutes and charge him $190!"
"Then for you, I'll give you a special!" the dentist said, and
the man's face looked pleasantly relieved. "I'll take 15
minutes to do the extraction."

After the Heart Transplant
After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving
instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied
tobacco and advised to get at least eight hours' sleep a night.
Finally, the patient asked, "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it
be all right for me to have intercourse?"
"Just with your wife," responded the doctor, "We don't want you to
get too excited."

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now
often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi,
Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Fanta, and Sprite"
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought
I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snackbar
clerk at a movie theatre for a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir,
would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with
that?"

I've been nervous about my wife since she bought this new knife holder...


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Brothers and Sisters

Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"

"She knows now," Jack replied.

Something Special...

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."

________________________________

Why did the blonde

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Eulogy of Seamus O'Malley

Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete shites both of 'em. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just for starters.

Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the priest.
"Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

"I won't do such a thing. T'would be a lie!"

"I know you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose."

The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?"

"Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note.

Next morning at the funeral, the priest begins the eulogy:

"Seamus O'Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful, penurious, lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being. But compared to his brother, Mike,...Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

Lawyers & Charity

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

1) You only get laid once.

2) You only get eaten once.

3) It takes 7 minutes to get hard.

4) You have to come in a box with 11 others.

5) The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother.

A young lad was bragging in the school playground to his friends that
his brother could play the piano by ear.

"That's nothing" said one boy "My brother fiddles with his willy!"

A BIRD-WATCHER'S GUIDE TO MOTORISTS:

Gleeful Splatter-dasher: Loves to douse pedestrians.

Head-turning Chatterbird: Seldom keeps his eyes front.

Hill-passing Swift: Ignores "No Passing" signs on hills.

Migratory Weaverbird: Constantly jumps lanes in traffic.

Ruffle-fendered Tail-gater: Bears marks of too-close contact.

Addlepated Honker: Always sounds off without reason.

Nocturnal Dimwit: Drives in the dark with parking lights.

Torpid Highway Creeper: A menace to all other road runners.

One-eyed Nighthawk: Ignores his burned-out headlight.

Gawking Booby: Gazes around while driving. [A species related to
the Head-turning Chatterbird, above]

Crosswalk Creeper: Can't resist cheating on the takeoff.

Unfortunately, these species are not extinct, so while you're
driving, keep a sharp lookout for these birds - and be sure no
one thinks you're one of them.

* BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

* GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

* GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

* GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

* GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

* BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

* BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

* MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

* WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

* MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

* Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

* Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon"..
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

* Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

* Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

* My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

* Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

* Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

* Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

* Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

* Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

* Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

* Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Little boy goes to his father and asks,
"Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set
up a date via e-mail with your Mom and me met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered
that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late
to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up
appeared and said:
You got Male !!!!................

Salary theorem
This theorem states that engineers and scientists can never ever earn as much money as businessmen,salesmen,politicians and actors easily make.

This theorem can be demonstrated by reducing it to a simple mathematical equation:

The equantion rests on two postulate:

Postulate no.1:Knowledge is power.
Postulate no.2:Time is money.

Given that: Power=Work/Time

And from postulate no.1 and no.2 we get,

Knowledge=Work/Money

Therefore,

Money=Work/Knowledge

So when knowledge goes to zero, money goes towards infinity,regardless of the value attributed to work,even if the value of work is very small.

On the contrary, when knowledge goes towards infinity, money goes towards zero,even if the value of work is high.

Conclusion:

* The less you know,the more money you definitely make.
* Those of you who have had difficulty following this will make a lot of money!!!

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men and women

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl . . . . and her husband is on the back of the milk carton!

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man,"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking! for some e tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. ( I figure this guy will soon appear on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men ... the husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

the Stupidest people to ever dial 911!!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming fromthe brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen tableand when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me beforeand I'm sick and tired of it.

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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: Hi, is this the Police?

Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?

Caller: Well, I don't know who to call.Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?

Caller: Fire, I guess.Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?

Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put snow chains on their trucks?

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Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?

Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on mytiresand... well.. do you think the fire department could come over and help me?

Dispatcher: Help you what?

Caller: Help me get these &*%$ chains on my car!

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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just sai d it was nine-one-one.

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

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And the winner is..........

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Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!

English is really funny
1. A candidate's application
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both,
I am applying for the post."

2. An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one week leave"...

3. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his
friend's letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school"

6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.

7. Another leave letter written to Administration dept:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave

8. Someone writing a letter in English for first time to his friend:
I am in the well, Hope you are also in the well........

N.E.S
U come to know its N.E.S(National Education Society) when:-
U see boys in pure shirt and formal style and girls in T-shirts and skirts.
U see boys carrying Rs.30/- extra, cuz they don't know when they will be fined.
U see students standing outside on corridor and when asked reason they simply reply that they were absent the day before that.
U see proffesors raiding your bag without any pre-warning.
Any thing of yours can be seized.
U are made to fill form late and then asked fine for filling it late.
U see the worst canteen being crowded.
U find more F1,F2 then all pass.
U find student's english book up-to-date.
U find the attendance around 95%.(Yuck!)
U find a never used fountain being placed.
U r asked to pay for ur absence.
U realize that teachers knows ur bio-data.
U find students having all the books in his bag.
U find no lecture is left free.
U find students covering even there rough book.
U find toppers getting admission through donation.
U find students laughing at a awkward jokes. (atleast
U find student thinks themselves as real stud. my
U find students giving silly names to each other. class)
U find library is always filled up.
(will be updated with more national news....so keep tune in)

Uffasaur
Uffy gawked at the sky but could see nothing but the blistering sun on fire. He then turned around to witness the scorching TERRA FIRMA around. But he was not a slave to the heat around him. It was evidently due to his sitting inside his concealed point from where he can see the world and the others cann’t see him. He chuckle at them when he sees that the flora and fauna around him never knew he was around here.
He then recollected what his dad used to say ‘SON, always close your eyes and try to feel the world, you will see more then the world shows you.’He then closed his eyes and realized as he always did. He closing his eyes could hear the sound of far away movements of the animals. He could hear the elephant drinking water in a nearby tarn and this cann’t be seen by him by open eyes. It’s true that your hearing ability boost when you close your eyes. Closing his eyes he could hear the flaping of the bird's wing. It was amazing but true!
He then opened his eyes to have a surrounding look.It did not bring any bombshell to him. He was living here for more then six years hiding from the outside world for his own security .
And his name was UFFASAUR. And actually he was a dinosaur. And a vegetarian one.
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MR.Thames a researcher, sat on his seat taking a crack at the incident that took place inside his director room.
‘Sir, it is true.’
‘How can it possibly be?’
‘Sir, i have a proper evidence.’
‘So what? I can also make a phony one to formulate such a demand.’
‘But this is not a false one.’
‘Sorry I don't want to carry on this meeting further. Please don't talk such a thing out side all will think you were gone round the bend.’
‘But sir there are evidence of a large shaped foot engrave.’
‘It can be made by anyone. You can leave now.’
‘I swear that dinosaur exists now too.’
‘I think I said you to leave the room.’
Then without a single word Thames left the room and sat down to consider what to do next.
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It was night and Uffy went out for his ussual hunt. And this he had to do quietly and the problem with him now is he cann't help leaving is print in the area. They were no other alternative to vanish this prints. But he tried his level best to control it. Then he went to his favorite spot and picked the leaves and ate it gently. Then he remembered his dad saying ‘Son, never risk showing up yourself to the world especially the HUMAN RACE. They are so unkind and will do anything for there survival. ’ He kept this in mind and that was the reason for his hidden life. But he enjoyed looking at the world around and lived serenely.
He then reached his hiding and went to a deep sleep.
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‘Is MR.Roger at home?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Can I talk to him?’
‘Sure. Who should i say is calling?’
‘MR.Thames.’
‘Just a minute.’
The servant of the house went to his master's room and informed him. From the master's expression he was sure he did not know anyone named Thames. But his master went and attended the phone. The servant tried to hear the conversation. But he heard only a part of it. The words spken by his master only.
‘Yes Roger here…Whats so important?…Okay I will meet you but…About dino-…Are you sure about the information…Okay I will meet at the-- … OK!’
The servant could not grasp the location name because the master had really told it in a low tone.But this was not the first time. The master gets many such anonymity calls.

LeFt To RiGhT
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there.

But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting......


Second, the man is drinking our Cola


and ......

Third, our man is now totally refreshed.


Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

That should have worked," said the friend.


The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

A Chemisty scholar's proposal
I am attracted to you
Like an electron to a proton
Together we form an ionic bond
Though we are opposite charged ions
I am drawn towards you
Our love is unique as an orbital
For only two electrons can fill this space
As my love for you increases
My energy level rises
I am in this excited state
Increasing the tendency to form a chemical bond
I was an element
It took you to make me a compound substance
Falling in love with you is a chemical reaction
Which cause my love for you to grow
Ours is an exothermic love
Each for giving off love not just absorbing it
Sometimes you do something especially nice
Which speeds up the chemical process
Like a catalyst in my increasing love for you
I realise we have our inhibition periods
And sometimes I am selfish enough
To be an endothermic reaction
Only absorbing your love
The feeling I have for you is so intense
It cannot be measured in kilojoules
Often I have to make a qualitative elementary analysis
To understand and love you more
But I don't expect to know your empirical formula
You are too complex a person for that
When you are gone
I am a noble gas
An inert substance
When I am without you
The world seems still
And I am at equilibrium

Dearest Girl

I am very happy to inform you that I have feelings for you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 1999. With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 1999 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be
shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely,
[Boy]


REPLY

Dear Boy :
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous. I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment.
If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards. Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a placed luxury condo and a Jag are in order. Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions on myself.
If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest . Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps,
[Girl]

SATISH and AMIT were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other. SATISH: 'Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?'
AMIT : 'Yes, I have'
SATISH: 'Well, my father dug it.'
AMIT : 'That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?'
SATISH: 'Yes, I have.'
AMIT : 'Well, my father killed it.'

Biography of GIRISH
When God passed out looks,
I thought He said books, and I didn't want any.
When God passed out ears,
I thought He said beers, and I asked for two long ones.
When God passed out legs,
I thought He said kegs, and I asked for two fat ones.
When God passed out noses,
I thought He said roses, and I asked for a big red one.
When God passed out heads,
I thought He said beds, and I asked for a big soft one.
When God passed out brains,
I thought he said trains, and I missed mine.

Top 10 inventions............

1) The water-proof towel

2) Solar powered torch

3) Submarine revolving door

4) A book on how to read

5) Inflatable dart board

6) A dictionary index

7) Ejector seat in a helicopter

8) Powdered water

9) Pedal-powered wheel chair

10) Water-proof tea bag

Dad : What type of a Girl u want to marry ?
JAY : I want to marry a girl who is *Intelligent *Well-Studied *Obeys Parents *Good-Looking
Dad :Then u have to marry 4 times.

Father : JAY, where is your report card.
JAY : My friend Pavan borrowed it to scare his father.


GIRISH : quickly hand over your purse I have a gun
PAWAN : here take it
GIRISH : ha! ha! no bullets in my gun.
PAWAN : ha! ha! no money in my purse

NIDHI : Rachana, You are looking different today.
Rachana: Yes, Doctor has asked me to loose some weight.
NIDHI : So have you lost.
Rachana: Yes, I have stop putting my make up.

Baker (to Venkatesh) : SIR, shall I cut the cake into 6 or 12 pieces.
VENKATESH : No, cut it into 4 pieces only. I am on dieting.

SINI: Rahul tell me two nouns.
JAY : Who ? Me ?
SINI: Very Good. Sit down.

jay's suggestions
While at the college JAY happened to watch the notice board.
It reads: Invites suggestions for the modification of Ladies Room.
JAY writes under :
Let the men Permit to Enter

HA HA
Omkar padhake,Venkatesh,Amit are called upon to test a lie detector .
The Omkar padhake says: "I think I can eat 10 samosa pav".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Ok", he says, "18".
And the machine is silent.
Venkatesh says: "I think I can eat 15 vada pav".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"All right, 20 hamburgers".
And the machine's silent.
Then Amit says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.

BINDU : If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another,how many dollars would you have?
PAVAN : One dollar.
BINDU (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
PAVAN (sadly): You don't know my father.


BINDU(from the heart of Kerala) went for a job interview for the post of a TEACHER. When the VARDHARAJAN saw the BINDU's colorful attire and gold and well oiled uncombed jet black hair, his mind was screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN." Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu. So he told her "If You could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then may be I will give you a chance! The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK." The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said:
"I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone,I say YELLOW.....
BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiye, Wrong number.. ... Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, yokeeyy? Thank you."
VARDHU fainted...


Once SURAJ meets a sadhu on road. Then suraj sees a dog and throws stone on it. He misses and exclaims: "SHITS! I missed.".The saadhu says hurting animals is wrong as it is and using dirty language when not succeeding makes it worse. Then again SURAJ neglecting the advise throws another stone. He misses again and shouts: "saalaa! phir sae missed" The saadhu warns him: "If you use such such language again. I will call upon the Gods to curse you." Again he throwed a stone. And still misses and cries out: "DAMN! Missed even this." The saint loses his tolerance and prays: "O God. This man has sinned thrice in front of a saint, despite warnings. Take him away." "Thooom!" There is a lightning bolt from the sky and the saadhu is vaporised. Awestruck, the SURAJ looks towards the sky and hears a thunder "F**K! I missed too."

The collector asked DEEPAK for his rail ticket. DEEPAK searched his pockets but could not find it. 'Never mind,' reassured the collector, ' I will take your word that you bought your ticket.' 'That is very kind of you,' replied DEEPAK, 'but if I don't find it, I want to know where to get off.'


Once Amit singh was relaxing in a vacant class alone. Some kids playing nearby decided to pull his leg.
Walking up to him they asked him,"Sir are you relaxing?" Amit singh replied, "No, I am Amit Singh!"
The kids started laughing wildly and ran off. This terribly confused Amit Singh and he decided to check it out. He walked up to a guy who was relaxing on a near by vacant class and asked,"Are you relaxing?"
The man replied, "Yes, why do you ask?"
Amit Singh answered with satisfaction, "Then those kids are probably looking for you!"

GEETA TO VIVEK
VIVEK: WHAT IS THE ANSWER OF THIS QUESTION?????
VIVEK: I DUUNO.................
GEETA: IDIOT,DO U EVEN KNOW SPELLING OF PHYSICS?????!!!!!
VIVEK: MISS,PHY 1 OR 2!!!!!!!:-)

SUNDARAM GOES HOME AFTER GETTING 2 MARKS IN BIO & 46 IN MATHS.......
SUNDARAM : MUMMY I GOT 46 IN MATHS..........
MUMMY: GOOD
SUNDARAM: CAN I GO TO PLAY............
MUMMY: YA
SUNDARAM(AT THE DOOR): BUT I GOT 2 IN BIO...........
MUMMY: OK .........DONT COME BACK AFTER PLAYING!!! ;-)

SUNDARAM: DADDY I GOT 46 IN MATHS........
DADDY(ANGRILY): DONT SAY THAT IDIOT ,ONLY 46, WERE U SLEEPING
DURING XAMS, CANT U GET 50/50 $%$%#$%$#%%
OK, HOW MUCH DID U GET IN BIO
SUNDARAM: UMMMMMMMMMMMMM...............................????? ??????
I DID NOT GT PAPER

VIVEK TO JAI: HOW MUCH DID U GET IN CHEM.......????
JAI: 30
VIVEK : WHAT!!!!!!!!! MERE KO BHI 30...... MATLAB MEIN FAIL HO GAYA

Teacher:Adithya what is the formula for K.E
Adithya:blah blah blah

Here is a letter written by a HR executive to his love:

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation,
yours sincerely,
Romeo

To: Tech Support
Dear Sir,

Last year I upgraded my system from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began creating problems within the system processing and that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 2.3, Girlfriend 3.2 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the entire system whenever selected :(

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while running my other favorite applications. Whichever module or software I enter, only Wife 1.0 seems to run and nothing else.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall from Wife 1.0 to Girlfriend 7.0 does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,
Rajeev

Reply

To: Rajeev
Dear Rajeev,

This is a very common problem men users of the Wife 1.0 software complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception of the software.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed!!

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Worries Invited For Ever (Wife 1.0)".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding general partnership faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action to solve this major IT problem of yours will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend you to install the latest gift software like Flowers 2.1, Necklaces 3.2, and Chocolates 5.0.

Note: Do not under any circumstances, install Secretary With Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application; in fact it is a deadly virus for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Definition of kiss

Prof .of Economics
Kiss is that thing for which the demand is
always higher than the supply.
Prof. of Accountancy
Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Algebra
Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry
Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
Prof. of Physics
Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry
Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology
Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology
Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles
in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry
Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Statistics
Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the
vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy
Kiss is the persecution for the child,
ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English
Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction,
it is more common than proper,
it is spoken in the plural and
it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Architecture
Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond
between the two dynamic objects
Prof. of Comp.Science
What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable
:

Funny Pick Up Lines

* He: You are very prettty. Do you have any Italian in you? She: no. He: Do you want some?
* Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money.
* Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
* I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
* Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
* I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
* I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
* If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
* Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?
* If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
* There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
* Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
* You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
* That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
* Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
* Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
* Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.
* Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
* Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
* Be unique and different, say yes.
* Hey baby, will you be my love buffet so I can lay you on the table and take what I want?
* You know, it's not premarital sex unless you plan on getting married.
* I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
* Aw, girl, I'm gonna have to put you on my "To Do" List!
* Save a horse -- ride a cowboy.

Talking Clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two AM in the morning!

Things You'd Love To Say (But Don't Dare)
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a darn.
Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coinciden

Knock KnockWho's there !Ice cream !Ice cream who ?Ice cream if you don't let me in !
Knock KnockWho's there !Water !Water who ?Water way to answer the door !

Knock KnockWho's there !Figs !Figs who ?Figs the doorbell, it's broken
Knock KnockWho's there !Four Eggs!Four Eggs who ?Four Eggs ample !
Knock KnockWho's there !B-2 !B-2 who ?B-2 school on time !

Knock KnockWho's there !B-4 !B-4 who ?B-4 I freeze to death, please open this door !

Knock KnockWho's there !Banana !Banana who ?Banana split so ice creamed !

Knock knockWho's there?Banana.Banana who?Knock knockWho's there?Banana.Banana who?Knock knockWho's there?Orange.Orange who?Orange you glad I didn't say banana ?

Knock KnockWho's there !Bless !Bless who ?I didn't sneeze !

Knock KnockWho's there !Blue !Blue who ?Blue your nose !

Knock KnockWho's there !Cash !Cash who ?I didn't realise you were some kind of of nut !

Knock, Knock.Who's there?Repeat.Repeat who?Who Who Who!

Knock, Knock.Who's there?Nobel. Nobel who?No bell, that's why I knocked!


Knock KnockWho's there !Cash !Cash who ?Cash me if you can !

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Hoo. Hoo who? You talk like an owl!

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Dishwasher. Dishwasher who? Dishwasher way I spoke before I had false teeth!

Knock, Knock Who's there? Pudding! Pudding who? Pudding your shoes on before your trousers is a silly idea!

Knock, Knock Who's there? Leaf Leaf who? Leaf me alone!

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Tank. Tank who? You're welcome!

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Wire. Wire who? Why are you asking?

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Anita. Anita who? Anita a tissue! Ah Choo!

Knock, Knock.Who's there?Water. Water who?Water you doing in my house?

Knock, Knock.Who's there?I love.I love who?I don't know, you tell me!

Knock knock.Who's there?KetchchupKetchchup who?Kethchup to me and I will tell you.

Knock knock.Who's there?Boo.Boo who?Don't cry. It's only a joke.

Knock knock.Who's there?Hawaii.Hawaii who?I'm fine, Hawaii you?

Knock, Knock.Who's there?Police.Police who?Police stop telling these awful knock, knock jokes!

Knock KnockWho's there !Cash !Cash who ?I knew you were nuts !
Knock KnockWho's there ?Cows !Cows who ?Cows go 'moo' not who!

4 Tips on flirting
1. Be friendly; women know that when a guy approaches them it is because they think they are attractive, if you don’t give this woman that impression she will like it. Approach her in a friendly manner asking about something that does not seem too personal so she will not think you’re hitting on her just yet. Ask a question that you might ask anyone, and then pretend you did not notice her for a couple minutes then try initiating a conversation. If she finds you attractive she will most likely start to talk to you before you start to talk with her again anyway.
Give her compliments, but do not sound corny, say something you really believe. If you like her hair, or shoes, tells her that you do. Tell her you like the way she smells. She will be flattered.

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2.Let her talk. Just try to listen to what she has to say. Most girls take control of the conversation by talking…a lot. If you let her talk you will not sound conceited at all and she will feel you want to hear about what she has to say. She will ask you a question if she is really interested in something about you. Prepare questions for her and she will ask questions in return.

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3.Sound interested. A lot of the time she will be babbling on about something you have no interest in, but even if you’re not listening at least act like its important to you. If you’re interested in everything she has to say it ups your conversing points with her. If your interested in what she is saying she will feel more comfortable to talk even more and eventually you will be interested in something she has to say…I hope.

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4.Be touchy. If she lets you, and is comfortable with it, then try to be touchy with her. Put your arm around her or tickle her once in awhile. Only do this occasionally or it will get annoying. If she is tickling you back in return, putting her arm around you, or making any physical contact back to you, you will know you’re in there and that she is flirting back with you.

The Island
There were three people stranded on an island, khyati, nidhi, and mansi. khyati looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, nidhi, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. nidhi had a lot more endurance than khyati, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So mansi thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
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RACHANA, NIDHI, AND KHYATI IN FIRE
rachana,nidhi,khyati escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to rachana, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" she jumps and SWISH the firemen yank the blanket away...the rachana slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to nidhi.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says nidhi.
"No! It's rachana we can't stand! We're OK with u!"
"OK" says nidhi, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, khyati steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled khyati.
No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," khyati says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."
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Three women are about to be executed.
Three women are about to be executed.
One's manasi, one's nirma, and one's khyati.
Two guards brings khyati forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly khyati yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. she manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the mansi forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. she too escapes execution.
By this point, nirma(i m not a detergent salesman mind u) had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
she shouts, "fire!!"(girls r stupid)