A Piece of String

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender takes one look at the piece of string and says, 'We don't serve pieces of string here!' With that, the piece of string walks outside, ties itself up in a knot and frayes its ends. The piece of string then walks back into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender takes a long look at the piece of string and then asks, 'Aren't you the same piece of string that walked in here a while ago?' The string proudly says, 'NO. I'm a frayed knot.

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over,"Hey I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here other than us." "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts they're complimentary."

Dr. Oleander Fern, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, population was declining at an alarming rate. Fern finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Dr. Myra Cantha looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Myra brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most critically, one part sodium. "You mean?" said Fern. Yes, said Myra. "They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!"

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A medical doctor moonlighted as a theatre critic. When he published a critical review of a production of Madame Butterfly, the director of the show charged with "opera rating without a license."

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."

A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Did you hear about the optometrist who feel into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

A King ordered the heads of several of his counts chopped off because they refused to reveal where they had buried their treasures. As the axes began to fall, one count decided to change his mind, but it was too late. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. !"

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

If you dream in vivid colors, is that a pigment of your imagination?

If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.

I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage - about 20 minutes - during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do) one of them looked at his watch. Hey! We need to get back! No need to panic, said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. Well, of course, said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

Two old tomcats were bragging about their brave exploits. "Nice looking scars you've got their on your neck!" said one. "Thanks," said the other,"I made them from scratch."

Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

I met a man with a wooden leg named smith

So I ask him "What's the name of his other leg?"

A famous British wit claimed he could make a pun on any topic. He was challenged to make a pun about the queen. He looked concerned, then said brusquely, "The Queen is certainly not a subject."

A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve poultry." The chicken replies, "That's ok, I only want a drink."

A doctor walked into a bar across from Cedar Sinai Hospital still wearing his surgical greens and a stethoscope around his neck. As he sat at the bar he noticed that there was a pile of toys next to the cash register. "What are those?" he asked. The bartender said "Those are wind-up toys for the customers to play with. Would you like one? The mouse is my favorite." "OK, let me try the mouse, and bring me a drink. I'll have a ummmm let's see what would be good?" "How about my specialty? If you can guess what it is, the first one is free," the bartender offered. "OK, fine!" the doctor replied, winding up the toy mouse. When the toy was put on the bar it began to run in circles. Every time the mouse completed a loop it stopped, sat up and wiggled its nose. Then it quickly ran back around the circle in the other direction. Meanwhile, a couple were arguing at the other end of the bar over another one of the toys. It was a clock that played different songs, depending on where the hands were pointed. The guy said to the woman "Mary, you always grab that one before I get here just because you know it's my favorite! Let me have it!" and she said "Don't be stupid, Juan, you never liked this clock until I started playing with it!" Meanwhile the mouse continued spinning madly on the bar, as the bartender approached with a cocktail glass filled with a frothy green liquid. "That mouse is amazing," the doctor said, "it's been running for almost five minutes and it hasn't slowed down yet!" "I know, that's why it is my favorite, but I guess it will run down soon. Here's your drink. Taste it. What do you think it is?" The doctor sniffed the glass, noting the distinctive aroma of rum, and saw that there were brown flecks floating on top. He sipped it apprehensively as the fight in the corner escalated. "I have had it with you, Mary! I'm leaving!" the guy yelled, as he started for the door. "OK, there's rum and lime juice in it," the doctor ventured, "and I think those brown specks are ground up walnuts." The mouse began to slow slightly, as the woman in the corner screamed "You want the damn thing, you can have it!" She threw the clock toward the door as the doctor's face brightened, and he said, "I know! I've got it! It's a walnut daiquiri!" Nope, but you're close, the bartender said as the clock struck Juan, and the mouse ran down, "It's a hickory daiquiri doc!"

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

good jokes and good update

fortetfn i like your signature too
thanks

haha those jokes were funny. rotf @ the peanuts being "complementary".

Thank you..

yeah, I love the peanuts one too.. :)

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. 'In English,' he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'