Indian Mating Season

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small
cave.shouting "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and
listened closely until he heard an answer,"Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!" He
then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the other Indian what it was all about.
"Was he crazy or what?"
The other Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when a
man sees a cave, he hollers 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into
the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful girl
in there waiting for mating."
Just then they came upon another cave. The other Indian ran up to the cave,
stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Soon enough, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman was left alone and wandered around in the woods for a while.
He then saw a third large cave. He was amazed at the size of the huge
opening.
So he thinks, "Hoo, man ! Look at the size of this cave, much bigger than
the two the Indians found earlier. There must be some really fine
women inside."
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the other man before, he heard a even bigger
"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran. He did not come out for a long long
time.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN

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An old white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you Understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000",

The jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.

"I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

Monday morning arrived and a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I just had?"

A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six,
that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"

The little boy answered,
"I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in maths?"

The teacher replied,
"Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked,
"And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a
bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four

10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you
asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog
just died."


9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them
where their company is located. Continue asking them personal questions
or questions about their for as long as necessary. Such as when did their
company start, who was the founder, are they still with company?

8. Cry out in surprise, the name of the telemarker name such as
"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?"
Hopefully, this will give "Judy" a few brief moments of pause as
she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.


7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have
any friends... would you be my friend?"


6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.



5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home arrest" and ask if they
could bring you a case of beer and some chips.


4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry
you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just
give your credit card number to a complete stranger.


3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if
they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back.
When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME
number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home,
right?"
The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
"Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"


And first and foremost:

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY
WORD down.

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon
suddenly finds himself
surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon
surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm
screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms
out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash
in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to
bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing
heavily and surrounded
by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces,
Gods voice booms out
again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon
suddenly finds himself
surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon
surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm
screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms
out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash
in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to
bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing
heavily and surrounded
by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces,
Gods voice booms out
again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed

Good Collection dude... keep adding more....

nice oness...veryy goodd keep posting more..

HEHEHEHE
THE FIRST IS THE BEST!

Love the Telemarketer and Math ones! Thanks for posting these, and please post more. :)

nice jokes.
keep posting.