My Jokes!!!

Big Pause

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender,

""I'll have a gin...............................and tonic.""

The bartender asks, ""What's with the big pause?""

The bear says, ""I dunno, I've always had them.""

A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing.

One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to
prescription containers, such as, "Take with food," and "Take with
water."

At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.

Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of
them onto his chemistry textbook.

It read: "Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I am in here to get my tonsils out, and I am a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O. It's a breeze. The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A Circumcision."

And the second kid says, "WHOA, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born, couldn't walk for a year."

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.

When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional
service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate
route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his
pants legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the
sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was
starting. ""Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.""

""Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind,"" the groom responded. ""I think
I would prefer the traditional service.""

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover
behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives
me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't
open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic
and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever
be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that news gets
out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me
with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you
refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

* Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

* I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes
over time.

* Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

* I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to
TV evangelists.

* I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday
School class.

* Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor
better, so he can live like we do.

* I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

* Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

1. If I like it, it's mine

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine

9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine

10. If I .............! ooops, WAIT! I've been reading Microsoft's
Business Plan!

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I
know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone
down and settled into bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"I don't know," answered the husband, "It was some guy who wanted to
know if the coast was clear."

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a
magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same
font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like
your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout
and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon,
rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm
and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you
leave the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded
into a swan.

4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an
oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing
in every orifice.

and the NUMBER 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart . . .

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your
temple.

Father & Son Correspondence

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying
very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I
need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would
love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.




Dear Son:

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an

hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is
a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

The Kid in the Red Shirt

Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who watched
his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of
the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of
boxes just outside the foreman's office. Since George, the foreman,
wasn't around, Swiller stood off to the side and watched to see just
how long the young man would stand around doing nothing.

The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch, and
sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and began cleaning his
nails. Then he stretched, yawned again, and leaned back on the pile
of boxes.

Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young
man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a week?"

The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and fifty
dollars," he said.

Swiller swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from the cash
box, and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get out! Don't let me see
you around here again!"

The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left.

Swiller snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or any other
feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he found him, Swiller
was red with anger. "That idler in front of your office," Swiller
said, "I just gave him a week's pay and fired him. What's the matter
with you, letting him stand around as though he had nothing to do?"

"You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.

"Yes! The kid in the red shirt!" barked Swiller.

"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for lunch," George
said. "He works for the coffee shop around the corner."

Shoe Repair

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came
across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on
the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both
laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to
pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went
downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the
counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute.
I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at
the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have
thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready
Thursday," he said calmly.

George The Mailman

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 30 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was
greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led
him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up
the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured
him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar
bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was
just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'
The breakfast was my idea."

GLOSSARY OF SOFTWARE ENGINEERING PRODUCT TERMINOLOGY

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoestring budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.

As They Get Old ...

- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.

- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

During a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along

the beach in the Pope-Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an Aqua & Orange

'Dolphin's' jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Buffalo Bill's jerseys. One quickly

fired a harpoon into the sharks' side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Dolphin fan from the

water. Then using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it, too, into the boat.

Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he said.

"I have been told
about there being bad blood between Bill's and Dolphin's but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know jack about shark fishing. Is the

bait holding up O.K., or
do we need to get another one?"

10 SIGNS YOU NEED A NEW LAWYER

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2. He tells you that his last good case was "Budweiser."

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each
other.

4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

7. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the
stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

8. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

9. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

10. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you
any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice
against creed, color, religion or politics,

Then, my friend, you are *almost* as good as a dog!

Sleeping Late

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the
assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance.

"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?"

"It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and
then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I
made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I
put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning
feeling like a bull, I'll tell you."

"I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening."

So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made
love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a
third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.

He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and
ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.

"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty
years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty
minutes against me now, are you?"

"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday
and Wednesday?

Discipline Dilemma

One day Steve's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a
bondage/S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her...

She hid the magazine until his father got home.

When Steve's father walked in the door, she irately handed the
magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in your son's
closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

Several seconds passed, then she finally asked him, "Well what should
we do about this?"

Steve's dad looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T think we should
spank him."

Young Love

Little Bobby was in love with Little Susie who lived next door. One
day, Bobby went to Susie's dad and announced, "I'm in love with
Susie, and we're getting married".

Amused, Susie's dad started asking questions. "Where will you live?"
asked Susie's dad.

"Well," explained Bobby, "Susie has a playhouse in the backyard, so
we're gonna live there."

"How are you going to make money to support her?" asked the dad.

"Well," said Bobby, "Susie gets 75 cents a week, and I get $1.25 a
week. That should be more than enough!"

"Well," asked Susie's dad, "what about children?"

"Oh, we have that figured out already." explained Bobby. "Whenever
Susie lays an egg, I'm gonna stomp on it!"

Wallpapering

A blonde decided to decorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many
rolls of wallpaper she would need but he knew that her blonde friend
next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were
identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your
bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had
2 rolls left over.

"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom,
but I've got 2 left over!"

"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."

* BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells (or drops something
loudly) in a"cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's
heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

* TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation
from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the
rest were just tourists."

* TREEWARE - Printed computer software/hardware documentation.

* CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe ill-
advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within
earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CEB - Career Ending Behavior)

* OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
that you've just made a BIG mistake. (See CLM)

* ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just
above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere
are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they
were designed to solve.

* DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived
from the experiences of Dilbert, the engineer in the job-from-hell
comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man
revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

* SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
poops on everything, and then leaves.

* SALMON WEEK - The experience of spending an entire week swimming
upstream only to die, and someone else get the benefit.

* 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error
message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could
not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking an electronic
device *just right* to get it to work again.

Ten Halloween Expressions That Sound Dirty But Aren't

10. She's a goblin!

9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack tonight.

8. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

7. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.

6. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.

5. Let me see your big sack!

4. Can I eat your Zagnuts?

3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.

2. You scared me stiff!!

And the number one Halloween expression that sounds dirty, but isn't...

1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

WOW...
its huge investment!!! and i love them
tnx for puf it!

whats the dif between women and lightbulbs?

you can unscrew a lightbulb

good joke thread

thanks for sharing dude

young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.

When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional
service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate
route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his
pants legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the
sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was
starting. ""Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.""

""Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind,"" the groom responded. ""I think
I would prefer the traditional service.""

hhh thx bro good joks :D :D

Good Collection Boss !!!

Thanks for sharing.

Lets add more here in your thread.