A hilarious account of driving in India
This article was apparently written by a 'Dutchman' who
spent two years in Bangalore, India, as a visiting expert.
Driving in India!
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting
India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering
a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every
place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle
is only marginally safer.
Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of
karma where you do your best, and leave the results to
your insurance company.
The hints are as follows:
Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer
is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road,
unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right,
unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying
the next available gap, as in chess.
Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction,and
proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery
and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but
just aim their vehicles in the generally intended
direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate
yourself except for a belief in reincarnation; the other
drivers are not in any better position.
Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool
wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy
being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly
instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or
has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town.
Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us
not talk ill of the dead.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some
countries. We honk to express joy, resentment, frustration,
romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or just to
mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.
Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may
read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief
minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rainwater to
recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.
Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with
blinking coloured lights and weird sounds emanating from
within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims
singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed,
seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with
success.
Auto Rickshaw: The result of a collision between a rickshaw
and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an
external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of
kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries
iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its
weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful
geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into
these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery
are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their
school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round
so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road
cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral
children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's
laws of motion enroute to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers
follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and
are licensed to irritate.
Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes
noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a tea-
spoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the
sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped
drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would
rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them
and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free
passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem.
There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in
turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans
dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of
surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many
Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked.
Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.
One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people
to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to
the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In meta-
physical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two
directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse
throughout, if you are the fussy type.
Lest I sound hypercritical; I must add a positive point
also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been
prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each
house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and
drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for
easy identification by the corporation authorities, should
they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.
Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating
experience for those with the mental make up of Genghis
Khan. In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette,
because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded.
What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out
to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering
it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road
until the phenomenon passes. The roads do not have
shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not flash your
lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in
the truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit
arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total
cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught.
Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are
licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single
powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground.
This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching
you with a single light on, usually the left one. It
could be the right one, but never get too close to
investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.
