pheonix' joke thread

[pheonix]

Two men were out fishing in a boat on a windy day. One of the men decided to light up a cigar, but the wind was too strong for his matches to work. His friend noticed his difficulties and handed a long BIC lighter to try. The smoker was astonished at the size of this lighter. It had to of been twelve inches long at least. He asked his friend "where did you get this??"
The man replied "if I told you, you wouldn't believe me" So the guy lit up his cigar and began puffing away. After a while, curiosity got the best of him and he asked again where the man got the lighter from. The man replied "ok, Ill tell you, but you are not going to believe me" "Tell me anyways" "OK, my genie gave it to me" The smoker sat back and said "Man, do you expect me to believe that you have a genie??" So the man with the lighter reached into his tool box and pulled out a genie, setting him on the side of the boat. The man was astounded, then asked the man if he could ask the genie to grant him a wish. "Sure" he said. The man thought for a second and said "Ok, I want a million bucks" "GRANTED!!" said the genie. All of a sudden the sky grew black and a million ducks started falling into the boat and into the lake. "what the hell, I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks!!" "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, my genie has a little bit of a hearing problem...........................Do you really think that I asked for a twelve inch BIC?"

[pheonix]

The police called at my door thge other day
the office said "do you have a dog"
i said "yes"
officer " your dog attacked a man on a bike"
me "cant be my dog officer"
officer "why not"
Me " my dog does not own a bike"

[pheonix]

two men are talking:
Man number 1: how is the wife?
Man number 2: I think shes dead
Man number 1: What do you mean?????
Man number 2: Well, the sex is still the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up....

[pheonix]

One night a man is walking up to his room, when he opens the door his wife askes if he could go turn the light off in the shed. When he gets down the stairs he figures out that there are people stealing stuff, so he goes to the phone and calls the police, the policeman askes what the problem is and the man responds that his shed is being robbed, the police man says that they'll get someone down there as soon as someone is free, and he hangs up. The man waits 30 seconds and calls again, "may I help you?" the policeman askes and the man responds, "Yeah I called a few seconds ago asking if you could get someone down here because I'm being robbed, but you don't have to worry becuase I shot them all." And then right then and there 3 or 4 police cars show up, the man walks down and outside, the policeman says, "I thought you shot them" the man responds "I thought you didn't have any service"

[pheonix]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three
young mothers and their small children. "You all have
obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by
the hand and whispered, "Come on, thingy, let's go."

[pheonix]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed, "we'll put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box.

[pheonix]

Three marines are driving up the highway between Bazra and Bagdhad when they come upon an injured an unconcious Iraqi insurgent. On the opposite side of the road was an injured American soldier who was semiconcious. The marines give both men first aid and ask what happened. The American said: I was moving north up the highway when I saw this guy, we pointed our guns at each other, and I yelled "Saddam Hussein is an A-hole" then he yelled "George Bush is an A-Hole" We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us.

[pheonix]

What goes... clip-clop, clip-clop,clip-clop... BANG! BANG! ...clip-clop, clip-clop,clip-clop...


an Amish drive by shooting.

[pheonix]

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"ONE CENT - that's awesome!" exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?"

"Certainly, sir, "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents," replies the bartender.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy... "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies... "Same as I'm doing to his business!"

[pheonix]

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?"

he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."