Jokes

[romancentao]

"Test to get into Heaven"

One day, a teacher, a garbage man and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven.
St. Peter is there, and when they get to the gate, St Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven. They each will have to answer one question.
So he asked the teacher, "What was the name of the ship that hit an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher without hestitation replies, "The Titanic."
St Peter lets him through the gate. St Peter turns to the garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't really need all the stink this guy would bring in decided to make te question tougher: "How many people were on the ship?"
Taking a guess, the garbage man said, "1228."
Surprised, St. Peter exclaims, "That happens to be right! Go ahead."
St Peter turns to the lawyer: "Name them."

[romancentao]

They are overworked in an office so the boss decides to put an ad in the window for help.
The ad reads 'Help wanted. Must be able to use a typewriter, be computer literate and bilingual.'
After an hour or so a dog walks in and goes to to the reception nods at the sign and barks.
"You want to apply for the job?' asks the recpetionist. The dog nods his head.
The receptionist goes to the bosses office and convinces him he should see the dog.
The boss says to the dog, "Can you use a typewriter?'
Woof goes the dog and bounds over to the typewriter and knocks out a couple of perfect business letters.
'Okay, are you computer literate?' asks the boss.
Woof goes the dog and goes to the computer and creates a database, imports it it into a spreadsheet and then produces graphs and charts.
'Well I'm pretty impressed.' says the boss,'but are you bilingual?'
The dog looks at him and goes 'Meow.'

[romancentao]

a doctor was introducing autopsy to a fresh batch of medcine students in an operating theater with a real dead body. they formed a circle around the dead body.

the doctor said to the students "the first thing you need to study medicine is to conquer your fear". he then suddenly inserted his finger up the dead body's arse, pulled it out and licked his finger. much to the disbelief of the students. then he pointed at one student and ordered him with authority to do the same. the student reluctantly but quickly followed suit.

the doctor then said to the students "the second thing you need is to be very observant. notice that i inserted my index finger but licked middle finger". the student fainted.

[romancentao]

The present prime minister of Japan, Mori, has a bad habit of forgetting what to do in crucial situations. So when he was to meet President Clinton at the recent economic summit, his advisers were quite nervous, especially since he doesn't speak much English.
"Don't worry," they told him. "When you meet Clinton and shake hands, just say 'How are you?' Clinton will say, 'I'm fine, and you?' and you should reply, 'Me too.' After that the interpreters will handle it all..."
But as usual, Mori messed it up. When he met Clinton and shook hands, instead of saying "How are you?' he blurted out, "Who are you?"
A bit surprised, Clinton answered, "Well, I'm Hilary's husband, ha ha ha...."
And Mori replied, "Me too, ha ha ha...."
Long silence......

[romancentao]

Think about this . . .

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congess in 1946.

Abrahan Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy wass elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.

Here is an interesting one . . .

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.
Both ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

Little known fact:

One week before Lincoln's death, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
One week before Kennedy's death, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

[romancentao]

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What´s so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What´s it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you´re not wearing any panties." Bond replied.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I´m wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing´s an hour fast."

[romancentao]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I´m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can´t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I´ll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man´s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that´s what I´ll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner´s wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I´m the blind man."

"I´m sorry, I didn´t recognize you. I´ll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I´ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he´s going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn´t know that Mary worked here..."

[romancentao]

One Chinese construction worker on the top floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees an Indian co-worker on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can´t hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The Indian co-worker on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the top floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "Hey siow eh, what the f**k is wrong with you kotek? I said I need handsaw!!"

The Indian guys replied says, "Hey, watch your mouth ah... I know you want the handsaw but I was just trying to tell you that I´m coming."

[romancentao]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I´m not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That´s no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I´ve been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he´s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I´m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn´t do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He´d come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I´m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn´t do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He´d come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he´s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I´m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[romancentao]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.