Lugzburz Laughs

[Lugzburz]

This will be my laugh zone

I'll post as often as I can...

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which He did.. The? medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where Are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied,? " Vietnam ."

[Lugzburz]

This could happen to you !

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know wha t got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the perso n say, nervously:
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'

[Lugzburz]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of
running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid,
went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just
ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.
What does he think this place is ... An auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes and a
pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2
slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment
and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat
tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

[Lugzburz]

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.


With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.


With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.


If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.


But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.


Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.


It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

[Lugzburz]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, " He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. " Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous: simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if that damned Ice Cream Truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

[Lugzburz]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there
wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter
anyway .
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
Reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and
it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that
you can tell all that just by the sound of it droppin g on the
counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first
she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind
clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it
was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Stink Bait is $3. 50.

[Lugzburz]

Dentist......

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the area. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient shouted.

The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected. "I can't do the gas thing! The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill.
"No," the patient said, "I am fine with pills."

The dentist said, "Here is a Viagra tablet."

The patient replied: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra works as a pain pill!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

[Lugzburz]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were chanting and shouting, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen . . .”

I was curious to see what they were so excited , but the fence was too high to see over,

yet I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.



Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen! . . .”

[Lugzburz]

A few chuckles . . . .


Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT


You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.




You push for higher taxes so the government
can provide cows for everyone.



REPUBLICAN


You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?



SOCIALIST


You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.



COMMUNIST


You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.



CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE


You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.



BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE


You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the
other, and then pours the milk down the drain.



AMERICAN CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you
have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.



FRENCH CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.



JAPANESE CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.



GERMAN CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.



ITALIAN CORPORATION


You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.



RUSSIAN CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.



TALIBAN CORPORATION


You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.



IRAQI CORPORATION


You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.



POLISH CORPORATION


You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.



BELGIAN CORPORATION


You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.



FLORIDA CORPORATION


You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for
the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is
the best-looking cow.



CALIFORNIA CORPORATION


You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold
likes the ones with the big muscles.

[Lugzburz]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.

"Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony.. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......."